Affair Recovery

Affair Recovery.  My cheating spouse doesn’t understand that saying, “I’m sorry” just isn’t good enough.  Neither is saying, “I’m really sorry.” Finding out your partner is having an affair is probably the most devastating thing that could happen to you. Cheating shatters the core of your existence leaving you with feelings of rejection, mistrust, anger, betrayal and grief.  It damages your sense of self and leaves you overwhelmed with pain and confusion.  As a Marriage Counselor and Affair and Infidelity Recovery Specialist I help couples know what to do next.


Courtesy of and tOzz

With the right Couples Counselor the affected individuals can find their way to a deeper and more intimate bond after an affair despite the feelings of wanting to leave or fantasizing about a divorce. Notable author and Therapist Ester Perel states, “an affair doesn’t necessarily end a marriage and can possibly make it stronger.”

Recovering from infidelity involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse.

Affair Recovery includes:

  1. Teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriage back on track.
  2. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair (sexual or emotional) and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse. (Not just keep saying they’ll “do whatever it takes” but demonstrate through their behavior)
  3. Honesty is the most important factor in rebuilding the marriage. The future possibilities for the marriage are not determined by what happened in the affair; they are determined by what happens after the affair is known.
  4. The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out why the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again.
  5. Affairs are less about love and more about boundaries. Affairs can happen even in good marriages.
  6. The major attraction in an affair is NOT the love partner but the positive mirroring of the self  -“the way I look when I see myself in the other person’s eyes.”
  7. The conventional wisdom is that the person having an affair isn’t “getting enough” at home. That may be true, but often the truth is the person isn’t giving enough.
  8. Most people think that talking about the affair with the spouse will only create more upset, but that is actually the way to rebuild intimacy.
  9. The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much empathy the unfaithful partner shows for the pain they have caused the Hurt Partner.
  10. Gradually rebuild trust – through actions, not promises.
  11. Allow time to heal – although time alone (without effort) is not enough.

As a Marriage Counselor and Affair Recovery Specialist I have specific training and experience to help explain the sources of infidelity and offer sound and sensible guidelines for mending your relationship. For those of you who are going through the hurt and betrayal of infidelity I am able to help you cope with the raging emotions, make a thoughtful decision about your future, acquire the essential tools to move forward, and if you choose to recommit, reclaim a new life together.

The couples I work with either 1) relive their trauma and bitterness over and over again, 2) revert to the status of life before the affair, or 3) have the affair become a transformational experience and catalyst for renewal and change for moving forward. Couples can survive infidelity, provided both partners are willing to look honestly at themselves and at each other and acquire the tools needed to guide them through such a shattering crisis.

If you’re struggling with wondering what to do next and asking yourself the question…..Should I Stay Or Should I Go?,” please call me at (858) 735-​1139. I can help you with options to make the right decision for you and your family.