Discernment Counseling – To Divorce Or Not To Divorce. Do people even know what this is? As a Marriage Counselor couples often come into Marriage Counseling not to seek help for their marriage, but seek help deciding whether or not to stay married. Stacie, a woman who has been married for 21 years claims she loves her husband, but is not “in love” and has not felt the “in love” feelings for him for some time. Her husband, Kurt, states he loves her with all his heart and she is the “love of his life.” How can two people with such disparate feelings be in the same relationship and expect to find happiness?
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First of all, what is “in love” feelings? I believe Stacie wants to feel the passion and intimacy that one feels when they are in the initial stages of any new relationship. Where she feels the excitement just because he calls her and says he’s thinking about her. Where the sex is intense and enjoyable. Where she feels beautiful and the compliments feel real. For men, they want to feel important, like they really matter where they are appreciated and feel like they are truly loved by their woman exercising their “Love Language.”
After a period of time when couples fall into a routine and neglect to do the things that are needed to nourish their relationship what do you think will happen to that relationship? Stagnation and boredom which can lead to finding other interests outside the relationship.
What is particularly important is if the lines of communication are not established at the beginning of the relationship and the lack of expressing feelings are ongoing coupled with Conflict Avoidant Behavior (where you never want to bring up a problem for fear of upsetting your partner or creating an argument), intimacy cannot continue to develop hence, the “not in love” feelings will eventually pop it’s ugly head.
In Marriage Counseling I help Couples acquire the skills to effectively communicate so that they redevelop the intimacy that has been lost. In doing so they must be able and willing to share their thoughts and feelings with one another and be comfortable with the vulnerability that comes from that process. Being vulnerable is taking a risk to becoming emotionally hurt. For most individuals this is very uncomfortable. It can be difficult at first, however, that is what being vulnerable is all about.
For more information about whether or not you want “to want” to move forward in your relationship please contact me at 858-735-1139. Please go to my website for additional information on how I work with Couples at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.