Do I Go To Cabo With My Husband Or My Boyfriend? Choosing who to go on vacation with can be a difficult decision. I am a married woman and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I have been working with couples for over 23 years. I specialize in Affair Recovery and developing New Monogamy agreements. As a Marriage Counselor, I understand and appreciate some people have difficulty being monogamous in a world that has so much to offer. As we entered into the 21st Century we have anything and everything at our fingertips with the use of the internet. Buying items on Amazon and receiving them in less than two days is something I love! Experimenting with dating “apps” and utilizing online dating sites makes meeting new people relatively easy as anonymity is better than “liquid courage.” I have to admit I’ve tried these vehicles to meet men as my relationship is not immune from “flatlining” and becoming mundane after 19 years of marriage.
Counseling men and women who have either already cheated on their spouse or want to talk about opening up their marriage so they don’t have to be categorized as “cheating” is something I have first-hand experience about. My husband is a very nice man. He is a good father and great provider. As I have my own business as a private practitioner, I provide just as well and have developed a “greater sense of self” that has brought me to seeing myself in a new realm (independent, confident and raised self-esteem). Being more “free to be me” in my “present state of being” has enabled me to be more open and expressive. I don’t always want the obligation, responsibility, and duty to “have to do” for others. Being in the caretaker role for most of my life has not only become burdensome but has made me an angry and resentful person for way too long.
My husband happens to fall under some of the traits of Asperger’s Syndrome which is a form of being somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. We unofficially received a diagnosis about 2 years ago even though I had my professional observations about something different about his behavior and mannerisms throughout our relationship. Without going into detail about the symptoms, living with someone with Asperger’s makes one feel lonely and frustrated. The normal relational going back and forth conversations are challenging making it difficult in receiving empathy and validation. He doesn’t do it on purpose, nevertheless, I am on the receiving end of something that is not of a natural flow. And as I am not immune to the temptations of wanting and needing an emotional connection those initial two years were very challenging. So I engaged in socializing with men who I knew and trusted but kept limits and boundaries. After awhile I developed a friendship with someone who could possibly turn into a possible affair partner. Fortunately, that relationship did not go the distance for pretty obvious reasons.
After which, I decided to have a conversation with my husband about possibly opening up our marriage as I was bordering on what may be judged as exercising inappropriate behavior. The conversation included disclosing information about this person with whom I had been socializing and spending time with. He had prior knowledge of this individual as I did not keep this a secret from my husband. I had also been communicating with various other gentlemen who were interested in my company. I knew exactly where this behavior would lead if we didn’t have a conversation about how I’d been feeling.
As with many of the couples I counsel, the conversation was awkward and scary as I didn’t want to hurt or anger my husband nor did I want to jeopardize our marriage. The ironic thing is individuals say they don’t want to hurt their partner but when an affair is discovered, their partner is devastated. So, it’s better to talk about it sooner rather than later as a “heads up” is always better than a “blind side.” What I experienced is what can happen as one of the outcomes to the conversation. As my husband believed my reasons for possibly seeking other partners were valid we both then read more material about the subject of Polyamory and Open Marriages and decided that our Primary Relationship would be kept intact as long as we moved forward with respect, thoughtfulness, and consideration of one another.
With the Green Light to proceed, I felt a sense of freedom. I experimented using dating apps and received a lot of attention. Communication felt awkward and despite the initial excitement, I didn’t find it satisfying. What I really wanted was that same energy between me and my husband. I told my husband what I wanted and needed from him. The vulnerability in taking a risk with that conversation was transformational. As difficult as it is to think he could share his wife with someone else indicated maturity and great love and care for my happiness. This process developed a greater level of intimacy between us and we experienced an emotional connection we hadn’t felt in years. The emotional connection led to more honest talk about what we like and don’t care for in bed and what we want to adjust in our interaction to make for a better relational connection. We are now more affectionate and devoted to one another and it has made us both really happy.
It’s nice to be able to socialize with the opposite sex without feeling guilty I’m doing something wrong. With ongoing honest and explicit communication about what is happening in our relationship, it gives our marriage a newfound freedom that includes choice, not obligation, responsibility, or “have to’s” for sharing time together.
So when making my plans for a getaway to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, I had initially thought I’d bring along a boyfriend who would make me feel like a girlfriend. Not the “mother,” “wife,” “professional,” etc. So who do you think joined me on this wonderful vacation filled with passion and excitement? That’s right, my husband who filled the role to a tee.
If you’d like help initiating a similar conversation with your spouse and want a deeper emotional connection give me a call at (858) 735-1139. Just having an honest conversation about what you want to feel more loved and cared about makes a huge difference.