Why Some Men See Prostitutes. The definition of a prostitute is a person who engages in sexual activity for payment. Prostitutes are also referred to as sex workers, escorts, and hookers. Some people are quick to judge these men, especially if they are married and label them as “horndogs, sex addicts, assholes, pigs, and pricks.” Sex with a prostitute is typically the commodity traded making sex transactional, anonymous or commercial. Sex with a prostitute can alleviate a lot of psychological problems that men may have with their primary relationships. Prostitutes are wanted because of their attitude. They are typically assertive and confident. They know what to do. They are, after all, professionals. Some men go to prostitutes for quick sex, convenience, control or to be controlled, to indulge in a fantasy, or to avoid complications.
As a Marriage Counselor, more than one man has said to me, you don’t pay the hooker to come, you pay her to leave. Here are other reasons outside of what those trendy relationship magazines write about why some men seek prostitutes.
Love-Lust split (Madonna-Whore complex) – Some men have what is referred to as a Love – Lust split. This happens over a course of time where once there was a voracious appetite for sex with their partner can turn into tenderness or even worse, an aversive sexual response to his partner. Some men manifest an incapability to integrate closeness and sexual passion as there are sexual blocks to his erotic psyche. These men have unhealthy childhood pasts as they have done a bit of co-dependent caretaking of females in their lives, typically their mothers, experiencing what is known as an intrusion trauma that inhibits physical intimacy with them. Some of these men see prostitutes because their availability is a turn on that frees them from any caretaking responsibilities as they tend to see their wives as “mothers” rather than intimate other or lover.
Another reason to seek services of a prostitute can be due to Performance Anxiety. There’s a myth that men want sex all the time no matter what. Another myth says it’s a man’s job to be able to please a woman all night long even if he isn’t up to it. Having bought into the oversold definition of male sexuality as being biologically driven, uncomplicated, always ready, and always in search of novelty, comes at a price for some men in the form of being obsessed with performance and having anxiety about it. This male mystique can turn men to less emotionally complicated forms of sex to include, masturbation, and utilizing sex workers, or prostitutes. Having sex with prostitutes makes for a level of dissociation that they bring to their sexual proclivities as a response to these uncomfortable emotional pulls. Time with a prostitute can create a space where insecurities, fear, and anxiety to perform are minimal as the freedom and control they seek in their anonymous partners manages the relational and emotional connection they are trying to avoid.
The appeal of paid sex is the promise that for that specific period of time, the prostitute is on the clock and she’ll take away the complexities of the male sexual myths and ease their life pressures. For the time paid prostitutes put men at the center of women’s attention relieving them of their sexual vulnerabilities and are relieved of any pressure to perform as they are in the position to fully receive.
As a Marriage Counselor, I have successfully worked with couples whose husbands had cheated on them with a prostitute. In counseling, we talk about the reasons behind the transaction and get to the core problems which lead to helping the couple understand what went down and what is needed to move forward.
Please contact me at 858-735-1139 for more information about being able to move forward from an affair consisting of a sex worker/prostitute or other betrayals.