Sex on the Beach Isn't just a Cocktail for my Couples

People Who Dump and The People Who Get Dumped

People Who Dump and The People Who Get Dumped AKA The Dumpers and The Dumpees.  Breakups are easiest for couples who decide mutually to end the relationship.  In most cases when a relationship ends there typically is a person who initiates the breakup and a person who wants the relationship to continue, referred to as the “dumpee.”  As a Marriage Counselor, during analyzing the nature of the relationship, it may be difficult to decide just who is the dumper and the dumpee.  In general, however, the dumper is the one who says it’s over, and the dumpee is the one in shock begging the other not to leave.  Some dumpees often say they were taken completely by surprise by their partner’s announcement.

The breakup experience is often very different for each of the two parties. The dumper usually began preparing for the end well before the final announcement, and the actual breakup often comes as a relief for the dumper. The primary emotion experienced by the dumper is guilt. The dumpee, on the other hand, is usually hit by surprise and with a great deal of pain. The turmoil of the breakup itself is usually much more intense for the dumpee.  Working through the feelings of rejection is where the work is to begin for personal growth. Both parties usually experience a great deal of pain as their relationship comes to an end, although the pain of guilt is different from the pain of rejection. For a healthy adjustment, it is important to recognize which role has been assumed, dumper or dumpee, and to work on the issues appropriate to that role.
As a Marriage Counselor, I get asked the question, “how long do I wait until I get into another relationship?

It’s different for everyone for things to begin to feel at normal again. For most of us, depending on the length and the nature of our previous relationship, it will take some time to readjust. This is a wonderful and precious opportunity to find out who you are as an unattached individual.  Being that you are on the rebound it is not wise to get involved in another relationship hastily.  To attach yourself prematurely in a love relationship is unfair to you and to the other person. You must deal with important personal issues when your previous love relationship comes to an end.  Living through the transition and exploring these issues can be painful – and falling in love again may seem like the perfect way to end the pain.  But if you attach yourself again too quickly before you have a chance to explore the issues which led to your breakup and to start to feel comfortable again as a single and independent individual, the other person becomes a replacement object, and that is not what a healthy relationship is about. You will probably carry into this replacement relationship the same issues that helped to lead to the demise of your former relationship – and similar events may very well happen again. Your real goal is to discover who you are and to explore what happened. When you are at the point of being able to have a happy and fulfilled life as a single person, then you can choose when, or even if, you should involve yourself in another love relationship. When you know that you have that choice, you may be ready. I help individuals and couples who have broken up, with this process in therapy.

In Couples Counseling the goal is to discover who you are and to explore what happened.  As a Marriage Counselor, I help individuals and couples who have broken up, with this process in therapy.  In a previous Blog article, I talk about the ME and We in relationships.  If you would like to know more about working on personal issues as they do effect relationship issues, please call me at (858) 735-1139. I can help you sort out what you need to know about what is contributing to your relationship.