Affair Recovery

Affair Recovery.  “My cheating spouse doesn’t understand that saying, “I’m sorry” just isn’t good enough.  Neither is saying, “I’m really sorry.” Finding out that your partner is having an affair is one of the most devastating things that can happen to you. Cheating shatters the core of your existence leaving you with feelings of rejection, mistrust, anger, betrayal and grief.  It damages your sense of self and leaves you overwhelmed with pain and confusion.  As a Marriage Counselor and Affair and Infidelity Recovery Specialist, I help couples answer the question, “What do we do now?”

Couples Counseling can help the betrayer and betrayed find their way back to a deeper and more intimate bond the strong urge to leave or divorce.  Notable author and Therapist Ester Perel states, “an affair doesn’t necessarily end a marriage and can possibly make it stronger.”

Recovering from infidelity involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse.

About Affairs:

  • Affairs are less about love and more about boundaries.  Affairs can happen in good marriages.
  • The major attraction in an affair is NOT the love partner but the positive mirroring of the self.  In other words, it’s about “the way you look when you see yourself in the eyes of your extramarital partner.”
  • The conventional wisdom is that the person having an affair isn’t “getting enough” at home. That may be true, but often the truth is the person isn’t giving enough.
  • Most people think that talking about the affair with the spouse will only create more angst, but that is actually the way to rebuild intimacy.
  • The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much empathy the unfaithful partner shows for the pain he or she has caused.

Affair Recovery:

  1. The unfaithful partner must demonstrate sincere regret and remorse.
  2. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair (sexual or emotional) and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse.  Doing whatever it takes must be demonstrated through actions not lip service.  You have to walk the walk.
  3. The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage his or her overwhelming emotions so the couple can sort out why the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again.
  4. Teamwork – both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work required to get their marriage back on track.  It takes two.
  5. Gradually rebuild trust – through actions, not promises.
  6. Allow time to heal, but remember, time alone (without dedicated effort) is not enough.
  7. Honesty is the most important factor in rebuilding the marriage. The future of the marriage is not determined by what happened during the affair but what happens after.
  8. As a trained and educated Marriage Counselor and Affair Recovery Specialist, I have specific training and experience needed to help uncover the sources of infidelity and offer sound guidelines for mending your relationship. I can help you cope with your raging emotions, guide you toward thoughtful and informed decisions about your future, acquire the essential tools to move forward, and should you choose to recommit, reclaim a new life together.

The couples I work with either:  1) relive their trauma and bitterness over and over again; 2) revert to the status of life before the affair; or 3) use the affair as a transformational experience and catalyst for renewal and positive change for moving forward. Couples can survive infidelity, as long as both partners are willing to look honestly at themselves and at each other, and acquire the tools needed to guide them through the storm.

If you are struggling through an affair and asking yourself Should I Stay Or Should I Go?,” please call me at (858) 735- 1139.

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