Rethinking Infidelity

Rethinking Infidelity.  Why do we continue to talk about affairs and who’s having one?  The subject is so interesting because those having one affects both partners in ways that are so life changing.  According to Ester Perel,  author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, people in good marriages have affairs.  She cites reasons for stepping outside the marital boundaries despite decades of faithful monogamy as not so much being anything wrong with the relationship or the Hurt Partner (the one being cheated on) or anything pathological existing, as much as it has to do with the Affair Partner (the one doing the cheating) needing something for himself/herself.

Conceptual photo of a marital infidelity

Rethinking Infidelity

People have affairs for many reasons here are some reasons people in happy marriages have affairs:

1.  The Desire for Attention to Feel Important

2.  A yearning and longing for an Emotional Connection

3.  Freedom

4.  Sexual intensity

5.  Novelty

6.  Autonomy

7.  A wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves

8.  An attempt to bring back Vitality in the face of loss and tragedy

The Power of the Forbidden charges the affair and this Desire creates the Wanting.  The fact that we can’t have makes us want to have it so much more.  That feeling is a strong motivator to want to feel more of the same.  Desire is powerful and we are willing to risk everything to “feel it.”  Affairs are not so much about Sex as it is about Desire.

As a Marriage Counselor specializing in Affair Recovery I see people who have turned a crisis into an opportunity.   Most people I see in Marriage Counseling are not philanderers and do believe in monogamy.  I help them look at what the old relationship needed to help move forward in developing a new one that satisfies the needs of both.

In Affair Recovery Four things are needed:

1.  The Affair Partner needs to acknowledge and show insight about his/her wrongdoing.

2.  Expressing guilt about the wrongdoing and remorse for the Hurt Partner is essential

3.  It’s imperative the Affair Partner be the person who holds the memory of the affair and brings it up when situations arise that bring back the trauma for the Hurt Partner.  In doing so relieves the Hurt Partner of the unwanted memories assisting the process of redeveloping trust for the Affair Partner.

4.  Having empathy and showing that Empathy to the Hurt Partner begins the process of redeveloping trust.

If you or someone you know is involved in an Infidelity and still has strong feelings for their spouse and needs help with the confusion please contact me (858) 735-1139.  The process of affair recovery can help bring about a newfound perspective.

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