How Asperger’s Affects Marriages. The impact of Asperger’s on a marriage is substantial and can cause a great deal of pain for both partners especially when the condition is not understood. The relationship typically involves a neurotypical wife (NT) and an Asperger Husband (AS). Because neurology matters, it’s important to work with a neurodiverse counselor as they help couples using a neurological lens bringing understanding and change to the differences in the way both think and communicate. As a certified neurodiverse couples counselor, I act as translator for the behaviors of the AS partner to the NT partner and vice versa.

How Asperger’s Affect Marriages

Before I met my husband, I dated many men who claimed they held women with respect and equality when, really they bought into a system of society where males held the power and women were largely excluded from it. Feminists mainly use the term to describe the power relationship between men and women. So, more so than not, I dated a lot of narcissists and experienced a lot a drama. They can create self-doubt by playing on your insecurities and weak points. Instilling self-doubt and gaslighting (a patterned, repetitive set of manipulation tactics that makes someone question reality is abusive and certainly doesn’t feel good).

How Asperger’s Affect Marriages

I had been divorced for seven years before meeting my husband who has Asperger’s. When I met him he was very kind and generous. Unlike, narcissists, he didn’t have an agenda to control or manipulate me. He was intelligent, attractive, and seemed grounded enough as he was calm during my bouts of emotional reactivity. Because there was little drama and I was ready to remarry, I believed he would make a good partner. At the beginning he seemed social enough, although I observed some social anxiety and communication that seemed rather odd. His quiet personality was refreshing and helped me become a little more calm in stressful situations.

After ten months of dating we married. The first ten years were quite nice but were filled with confusion for me. I noticed he wasn’t as communicative, didn’t seem to desire an emotional connection, and our communication was more transactional than relational. I felt as if I was losing my sense of self. I felt lonely, angry, frustrated and depressed. Later, I came to understand my feelings stemmed from ongoing relationship trauma, also know as Cassandra Syndrome.

Aspergers, which is now referred to as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) can affect marriages in the following way:

• Personal challenges can create ongoing conflict which could lead to detachment from each other for both partners. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help address anxiety and personal challenges. Psychoactive medicines can manage anxiety, Attention deficit disorder (ADD), Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and depression. Aspergers can appear like Narcissism when in fact the bad behavior isn’t intentional.
• Social interaction is limited and can be seen as aloof, not personable, and arrogant. Social skills training classes can help with conversational skills and understanding social cues.
• Volume of voice and pitch can create miscommunication and discord. Speech therapy can help with voice control.
• Clumsiness and awkward movement can create limitations to physical activity and sex. Physical and occupational therapy can improve coordination.

Of course, this is just a few ways Asperger’s affect marriages. I know first hand how the differences of NT and AS partners can either make or break a relationship. I also know AS husbands can make good partners.  Learn more about ASD and acquire the necessary tools to keep your marriage safe from yet another divorce statistic.

Contact me via my website: CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or text me your email address for information to get started.

Asperger’s During A Conversation. People on the Autism Spectrum experience the world differently than those of us who are neurotypical. Because they have problems with the meaning and rhythm of words and sentences they are often times misunderstood. They have trouble with back-and-forth communication when conversating creating a lot of anxiety for them.

Asperger’s During A Conversation

Asperger’s during a conversation could include:

• Not knowing what are the appropriate physical gestures?
• Struggling to concentrate on multiple conversations going on at once
• Feeling awkward and uncomfortable when others look at them
• Feeling socially exhausted and overwhelmed
• Looking bored or not interested
• Unintentionally getting into other people’s personal space
• Copying the other person’s replies

• Masking the other person’s facial expressions
• Concentrating on making eye contact
• Sensory issues such as noise, smell, bright lights creating discomfort
• Anxiety about when to speak and when not to speak
• Giving out too much information
• Infodumping about a special interest – lack of awareness about going on and on about a subject
• Lack of awareness of social cues
• Suppressing their stims
• Stimming
• Being self-conscious

Having to make conversation creates a lot of anxiety for people on the Spectrum because they notice everything around them and find it hard to concentrate on the person they are talking to. These individuals tend to like to be alone and become involved in their special interests. Being alone means not having to concentrate on anyone but themselves and is a means to recharging.

As human beings we tend to judge and criticize things we know little about. Rather than mock at something that is foreign, learn more about why it could be making you feel uncomfortable. People with Asperger’s don’t realize they are behaving in ways that make the general population uneasy. If you think you feel anxiety around a person with Asperger’s they feel the same way interacting with neurotypicals. Learning how to talk to someone on the Autism Spectrum will give you the capacity for compassion and showing empathy. We all want to fit into the world and be seen and heard.

For information about my services and fee please text me your email address at (858) 735-1139.

Goals For Neurodiverse Couples. Get past the diagnosis and save your marriage. Understanding the root of problems is important but what do you do about them? I’m sure you’ve educated yourself about ASD and Asperger’s and are filled with a range of emotions. It’s not fun being married to a partner on the Autism Spectrum. As a neurodiverse couples counselor, and wife of an Asperger husband, I know firsthand the frustration and aggravation of not being able to communicate. Struggling for many years you could be suffering from Cassandra Syndrome, which basically means you are feeling like you are literally going crazy.

Goals For Neurodiverse Couples

When entering into couples counseling it is imperative to work with a therapist who is trained and has experience working with neurodiversity. High functioning Asperger husbands married to Neurotypical wives can make their relationship harmonious, functional, and relational where they both feel the emotional connection they desire.

Goals to treatment include:

• Identify the specific Asperger’s trait that are contributing to the marital problems
• Identity the neurotypical partner’s needs and expectations for moving forward
• Discuss what has and hasn’t worked in the relationship so far
• Outline strategies to manage and change the dysfunctional areas of the relationship
• Overcome negative interactions together respectfully
• Develop a healthy work/life balance
• Improve shared decision making within the relationship
• Set and maintain positive, healthy personal boundaries
• Communicate effectively together
• Develop healthy expectations for the relationship
• Meet each other’s sexual needs
• Improve your system of mutual support
• Co-parenting

The length of time needed to complete couple’s therapy/coaching varies because each couple has their own set of circumstances. I have a process that includes a 3-hour intensive to make an assessment and create objectives to goals. I have practical tools to help 1) initiate conversation; 2) share thoughts and feelings, and 3) ask for what you need and want. I have tools to help understand that we each have perspectives and our perspectives are correct for oneself. When both are able to show empathy, validate each other’s perspective and commit to the plan for moving forward, prognosis is good.

So if you want help to be able to communicate more effectively and manage conflict contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com