When Are People Most Likely To Cheat?

When Are People Most Likely To Cheat? There appears to be a rise in infidelity with social media and a plethora of dating/hookup sites available at a click of a switch or a swipe of a hand.  Men and women cheat for many different reasons. Some men are looking for friendships in affairs while some women are looking for affection and vice versa.  As a Marriage Counselor and Affair Recovery Specialist, I’ve come to believe people cheat because sometimes it’s just easier to be different with a different person.  There are many facets of our selves. Infidelity keeps some of those facets alive when others have become numb. There are signs that indicate whether or not a partner is cheating. We often associate summer with flings and fun, but new data shows it’s also the season for something a little more sinister, like the most popular time for cheating.

When Are People Most Likely To Cheat?

When Are People Most Likely To Cheat? Time of year is one sign.  According to Daniel Kruger, evolutionary psychologist, there is a surge in cheating during the summer months as warmer weather enables people to socialize more.  With more exposure to the sun there is an increased level of serotonin where people feel happier.

With sun exposure during those summer months people tend to feel more confident making it easier to kick start the decision to start an affair, allowing them to feel better about their decision. Dr. Kruger states, “increased chances to be unfaithful” during summer months enables the rise of affairs to the fact that people are generally more social in warmer weather.

Travelling makes for possible high risk to cheat.  Being away from your partner makes for convenience and access to having an affair.  Business trips can be stressful and finding a partner for a one night stand is not unusual.

Disharmony within the primary relationship can make infidelity more of a reality than a fantasy.  When couples don’t feel emotionally or physically connected a third person can become a substitute for that loss.

Many people cheat so they can remain in their relationship/marriage.  The reasoning being they want to keep their family together.  Not all people who engage in affairs are disgruntled in their relationship.  Some people just want to feel something different or manage a non physical or emotional disconnect.

For information about when people are more likely to cheat  contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Spring And Infidelity

Spring And Infidelity. Spring is in the air and new beginnings come with the temptation to feel alive. Having affairs can do just that. Those who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) love Spring and the summer months as exposure to sunshine ultimately allows them to feel happier.  The increased levels of Serotonin enables people to feel more confident and more social

Spring And Infidelity

As a Marriage Counselor and Affair Recovery Specialist, Spring typically jump starts someone’s decision to start an affair.  I’m often asked why people have affairs.  And if more men than women have affairs in general.  As every couple is different with their own set of unique circumstances there is no one size fits all answer to the first question.  Regarding the percentages of males and females cheating the numbers are almost equal.  As an Affair Recovery Specialist, I help couples through the devastation of discovery or disclosure of any kind of infidelity.  Again, there are many reasons why people have affairs.  One reason is they want to feel different and being with someone else meets that objective.  When you’ve been in a long term relationship the feelings of familiarity and security are nice.  The excitement level, however, decreases as familiarity can bring about routine.  Routine is often times boring to say the least.

As an Affair Recovery Specialist, I see first hand how betrayal hurts.  Being cheated on effects the core of our existence as it leaves us with the loss of being significant to our partner. Spring And Infidelity

For those of you who are thinking about starting an affair please be mindful that if and when an affair is discovered the repercussions are grave.  If you are found out the best course of action is not to deny but be forthcoming and admit.  In working with couples throughout my 24 years in practice, admission is ultimately the best thing you can do.  Admission enables you to finally be honest.  With admission affair recovery can lead to being more open and honest about what went wrong and why, as well as what is needed to develop the relationship you both want for moving forward.  Coming clean is the first step to trying to save your marriage/relationship.  Continuing to deny worsen your ability to be honest.

It may sound counterintuitive to admit to your affair after it is discovered but for true healing to occur that is the right first step to affair recovery.  If you are having an affair and want help in disclosing or your affair has just been discovered contact me at (858) 735-139 to ensure you get what you want out of this ordeal.

Are You Seen and Heard?

Are You Seen and Heard? Everyone wants to be loved. To feel significant. To be seen. When those needs aren’t met, we end up in power struggles without even realizing it. We feel cut off and don’t have the intimacy we used to have. We can’t come to a happy concensus, because we don’t know what we want. Even if we do, we don’t know how to get it in a healthy, honest way.

Are You Seen and Heard?

There are no college classes on relationships. No one teaches us conflict resolution. When problems come up, we feel angry, disappointed, and overwhelmed. Of course we wind up frustrated and resentful. Disappointed, we keep rehashing the same problem with no relief. We end up stuck in a loop. Crushed that someone who used to be so important to us no longer feels that way, we wall ourselves off. We try to make sure we can never get hurt again. That emotional disconnect grows worse and worse, and the pattern starts all over again.

Are You Seen and Heard?

How many of these statements describe your disappointment with your relationship?

  • Conflict resolution is hard for me. I don’t know how to talk to people.
  • I have thought, heard, or said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
  • I feel cut off from my partner. I even feel disdain for my partner, and it affects the intimacy in our relationship.
  • I feel angry, frustrated, disappointed, overwhelmed, and resentful.
  • I’m frustrated with the state of our relationship, and I’m deciding whether to stay or go.

  • I’m upset about not being heard. My partner doesn’t listen, and we no longer come to a happy consensus when we disagree.
  • My partner and I fight a lot. This creates immature or acting-out behavior.
  • I keep going over the same problem without my relief. I’m stuck in a loop, and I don’t know how to break it.
  • My perspectives are never validated or understood. I don’t feel I can speak up and share my opinion.
  • I have an idealized version of what a relationship should look like, and when it doesn’t meet that vision, I’m disappointed and upset.
  • I’m sad because my needs aren’t being met.
  • The person who was once the most important person in my world doesn’t act like we still share the bond. I don’t feel important anymore. There’s an emotional disconnect.

There are common problems in relationships, and they can feel insurmountable. But they’re not. The pattern can be broken.

It’s time to get back to yourself, to remember who you are–who your intuition, insight, and choices want you to be. It’s time to get back to me. When you know yourself, your me, you know what you want–and how to get it. My book “Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship” shows you just how to do that.

Please contact me for more information at (858) 735-1139 or go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com



Is Couples Therapy Worth It?

Is Couples Therapy Worth It? Is couples therapy worth the cost?

When couples get engaged the last thing they want to do is spend money on couples counseling. Why? Reasons include:

  • They want to save the money for the wedding
  • We don’t believe we need any premarital counseling because we get along just fine – which could be code for: On still a deeper psychological level, the prospect (or anticipation) of being in couples therapy may induce (influence, cause, or bring about) one or both of the partners’ (largely unconscious) fears of intimacy and closeness
  • Partly in denial about not being made for each other
  • They don’t see view counseling/therapy as offering sufficient value to them
  • They were brought up to believe that you solve your problems on your own — without the help of a third party — especially one you have to pay a fee to
  • They previously have seen a clergy person, coach, or another human services professional not specifically trained or experienced in conducting couples therapy
  • They may be afraid of, or not be ready to face the unpleasant (or even devastating) “emotional reality” that their relationship can’t or won’t work out
  • They may have heard about someone else, or others, who saw a professional couple therapist but didn’t have a particularly good, positive, or successful experience or outcome
  • They have negative expectations of what the therapist might say and recommend to them. They may anticipate judgment, criticism, blaming, shaming, ridiculing, and/ or scolding, etc.
  • Financial considerations sometimes play a major part
  • They’re cheap

Is Couples Therapy Worth It?

As a Marriage Counselor, most couples fall in the category of believing they didn’t need counseling and/or are cheap. Money is a valuable commodity and most of us learned at a young age that money can place value on things. Ex. people, items, services, etc. Just like at the reading of a Will. If you receive something, typically money, you’re valued on some level from the person leaving you an inheritance. If you don’t get “jack” you typically feel unvalued and it really hurts.

Your relationship is a worthwhile investment; it has incredible potential to grow and enhance your life. With that said, many couples, understandably, struggle with whether or not therapy is worth the cost. Here are some points to consider related to this question:

  • The immediate cost of divorce (e.g., attorney fees) averages $12,000-$15,000, not to mention the ongoing expenses of maintaining separate households.
  • Couples in troubled marriages are significantly more likely to have compromised immune systems, elevated stress hormone levels, and other markers of early mortality (Robles & Kiecolt-Glaser, 2003). Yes! A bad relationship can actually shorten your life.
  • Creating as healthy a marriage as possible can have intergenerational effects, as children witness and experience the effects of a healthy relationship.
  •  The average wedding costs about $23,000.  Personally, my daughter’s wedding cost over $80,000.
  • An investment in preventing divorce and setting as good a trajectory for a marriage as possible is also a worthy investment.
  • The vast majority of couples (around 75%) experience significant improvement in their relationship when the therapist is able to help with creating effective communication, teaching how to show empathy, share thoughts and feelings, and being able to ask for what you need and want.

In short, the vast majority of people receive a significant return on their couples therapy investment. I believe that competent, quality therapy is a great investment in significantly moving towards greater happiness, satisfaction, and joy in life. It enhances both the couple and each person as an individual – often in many ways that one might not have anticipated or predicted initially. Couples therapy is a challenging yet exciting journey of psychological and emotional growth and development.

Is Couples Therapy Worth It? So to answer the question…yes couples therapy is absolutely worth it. At the very least it helps answer the question….”Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” because the process helps make an informed decision where there are no regrets.

For more information on Couples Therapy and how to get started contact me at (858) 735-1139 or go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com


Asperger’s Can Feel Like You’re Living With An Asshole

Asperger’s Can Feel Like You’re Living With An Asshole. “Ass”perger’s, is what I refer to it when I am consumed with a range of emotions I inappropriately “act out” when I am angry. Underlying emotions include disappointment, hurt, sadness and frustration. Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger’s, is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and nonverbal communication, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. I have been married to a man on the Spectrum for over 20 years.  I wanted to share what life looked and felt like before receiving an unofficial diagnosis. Unofficial in that for a formal diagnosis, clinician’s would need the person in question’s developmental/childhood history. Asperger’s has only received much attention the past few decades. Asperger’s Can Feel Like You’re Living With An Asshole

Asperger’s Can Feel Like You’re Living With An Asshole
Asperger’s (also known as Autism Spectrum Disorder) was first described in the 1940’s by Viennese pediatrician Hans Asperger, who observed autism-like behaviors and difficulties with social and communication skills in boys who had normal intelligence and language development. Asperger’s Can Feel Like “Ass”perger’s in that the behavior can be odd and resemble what looks like jerk-behavior.
Growing up in the 1950’s Asperger’s wasn’t as well known as Autism. My husband’s mother was a registered nurse and never suspected her son of Autism. The term Autism Spectrum Disorder wasn’t even a diagnosis until 2013. In those days you were either autistic or not autistic. Clinicians have found there is a “spectrum” where symptoms vary across different individuals, ranging in type and severity.

On some level my mother-in-law knew there was something odd about her little boy but did nothing to pursue any kind of diagnosis. Come to find out, from my husband, his older brother (4 years older) was on the spectrum. He noticed his brother would rock from side to side each night….soothing himself to sleep. He didn’t think much of it as a child, but as he has accepted and appreciates his unofficial diagnosis he believes his brother was in fact on the spectrum, as well. His brother died at the age of 42 as a result of an aircraft accident. I never knew him. My husband shares information about his brother that leads me to believe he had Asperger’s. His brother was a highly intelligent and high functioning individual. He was brilliant in the field of Organic
Chemistry. He had high aspirations of becoming an astronaut and politician. His Asperger’s hindered him from obtaining his Ph.D as his temperament was challenging to his doctorate program evaluators.

BEING AUTISTIC DOESN’T MAKE YOU A JERK but the odd behavior can appear like they are clueless and socially inept. Asperger’s Can Feel Like You’re Living With An Asshole

Asperger’s behavior could look like Asshole behavior:

If you think you’re better than other people or don’t care about their feelings, you’re just a jerk.

If you continually point out that you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re just a jerk.

If you insist that other people adapt themselves to you at all times, instead of compromising or making any effort to adapt yourself, you’re a jerk and manipulative and possibly toxic to those around you.

If you live in a black and white world and anyone who sees a little grey gets a verbal slap from you, you’re a jerk.

If you always have to be right because you can’t admit to being wrong or less than fully informed, you’re an insufferable jerk.

If you think being smarter than someone gives you the right to be mean to them, belittle them, or ignore their humanity, you’re an asshole.

Life with my husband can look like some of the above. There are days when I am beside myself and call him an asshole but reframe and say it’s asshole behavior. Because I know he is not unkind, thoughtless, or stupid I can appreciate his efforts in trying to interact with me. Life with an Asperger’s husband is just as challenging as when there is a physical handicap. Bottom line, a successful life with a man on the spectrum includes putting a system in place, acquiring tools, and learning a process in which to become more relational. There’s a learning curve. It’s not easy, but what do you have to lose? You get what you put into anything that is worth having.

For more information please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or through my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com