Ending Your Affair With Integrity

Ending your affair with integrity. Just because you made a really bad mistake in choosing to engage in an affair doesn’t mean you have to make another bad mistake and end it in a bad way.  If you are in a sexual or emotional relationship (or both) and realize you need to end it you may owe that person more than just a “sorry, I made a mistake.” If you promised your affair partner a life outside your marriage, lead them to believe you had feelings for them, told them you loved them, shared negative stories about your marriage or your spouse with them, or even hinted that you would leave your marriage then an appropriate way of ending the affair would be with some integrity.

Ending Your Affair With Integrity

Don’t underestimate the impact you’ve made on someone else’s life.  Your affair partner deserves to be treated with some respect.  You were involved in their life and got them involved in yours.  The first step is to end matters in a mature and healthy way.  It’s beneficial to both parties to cut off the affair in a way that clearly defines that you are ending the relationship.

Ending your affair with Integrity makes it so the affair cannot come back later and jeopardize the new monogamy you will be working towards in your relationship.  It also helps the affair partner bring closure to the relationship where if they felt used or disrespected they will unlikely seek revenge by contacting your spouse, employer, other family members or friends, in order to create the same chaos in your life that they feel you have created in theirs.

When you break it off be clear about what you will and will not continue to do.  That you will continue to care about them but that you can no longer speak on the phone or answer their emails.  Set boundaries, especially if the affair was with someone at work keeping contact professional and polite.  Make amends and show empathy. Admit ambivalence as you have regrets but make it clear you need to end the relationship. Thank them for anything you feel is appropriate and share that working on your marriage and your relationship with your spouse is your priority.

Like any loss you will undergo a process of grief. You will feel guilt and remorse about hurting your spouse. The best way to move forward is to bring yourself back into your marriage.  Marriage Counseling with a Counselor who specializes in working with Affair Recovery can help you sit down and talk about what you each want for your New Monogamy together and what it will take to make it work.

Call me at (858) 735-1139 if you would like help in creating a new and sustainable marriage.


Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage? Are Threesomes Good For Your Relationship?  Threesomes may or may not be good for marriages. I’ve been working with a Couple in Marriage Counseling who have been married for 7 years. In their third year they wanted to try a Three way at the request of her husband with another female. After careful thought and consideration they both decided to go forward with his fantasy. Remember fantasies are to be discussed first where both partners are made to feel comfortable before putting anything into action.

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Initially the dynamics of three ways was working reasonable well. The sexual component was to everyone’s liking and no one felt left out. It wasn’t until the husband and the third person started to engage in extra encounters with one another without informing the wife.This made for secretive behavior and distrust became an issue for the wife. A betrayal had been committed as the initial agreement stated all would be present when engaging in sexual activity.

During the affair between the husband and 3rd person a mutual feeling of infatuation and feelings of love developed.  This is common as the couple is still in the Honeymoon Phase of the relationship.  The sexual tension creates even more desire for one another fueling the intense feelings of arousal and desire.  The wife feeling betrayed in this once agreed upon arrangement is now the Hurt party as her husband is now having an affair with this third person who was initially utilized to add sexual arousal and desire to their own relationship.

So the question is do Three ways work? They can IF the Couple is able to have an honest discussion about what they want from the experience and how they go about executing it. Often times a three way is desired to add variety and arousal to an already satisfactory sex life.  It can also enhance the sexual experience for those who want to explore an open relationship. The mere fact that someone else desires our partner makes them even more attractive to us resulting in a more heightened sexual encounter/experience.  As long as the couple understands the third person is to ENHANCE their sex and not replace one another throughout the process. Keeping the communication open between the couple before, during and after the physical activities should keep their relationship in check.

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Some people believe it is possible to love more than one person and engage in loving making (sex) with those individuals which makes for a Polyamorous relationship.  Polyamory (from Greek, meaning “many” or “several”, and Latin amor, “love”) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.  It is distinct from swinging, which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational.  3-Ways are distinct from swinging in that swinging involves multiples partners for each with their own set of agreements.  three ways typically include two females and a male or two males and a female.

Whatever the combination in Couples Counseling I help Couples understand that it is vitally important to make implicit expectations explicit to keep the integrity in their relationship. For more information please call me at (858) 735-1139

Regaining Your Sex Life After An Affair

Regaining Your Sex Life After An Affair.  Erotic Recovery is what is referred to as regaining your sex life after an affair.

Is Erotic Recovery possible after an affair?  When infidelity hits home and that ultimate betrayal comes between the two of you who can possibly want to be close to your partner again emotionally let alone physically.  Despite the mixed emotions of wanting to have sex and not wanting to have sex, indulging in sex at this time can be due to the emotional distance the affair has put between the two of you triggering a new and more intense connection.  Many couples are embarrassed to talk about this increase in sexual activity that happens immediately in the aftermath of an affair.  They don’t want their partners to think they are forgiven or the affair is forgotten.  The affair is what makes the sex feel so intense now.  However, not wanting sex at this time is creating a wall between the two of you blocking any desire for any kind of intimacy.

Much therapy on infidelity focuses on trust and forgiveness, overlooking direct repair of the couple’s sexual relationship. Infidelity is an Erotic Injury to a relationship and must be repaired through a step by step erotic recovery process in order for a committed partnership to move forward.  An Erotic Injury means that the partner who has been cheated on experiences an undermining of erotic confidence because of the infidelity (Dr. Tammy Nelson author “The New Monogamy.”)  Sexual self-esteem questions like “Am I still attractive to my partner? or Do I still have what it takes to be in a sexual relationship?” come up and time is needed to regain confidence in the bedroom.  There are stages of erotic recovery to reintroduce sexual connection, reestablish erotic function and renew the relationship.   I help couples in Couples Counseling revive desire and create a new vision of Monogamy for those who choose to stay together after infidelity.

The process includes:

  1. Creating a weekly Sex Date.

  2. Focusing on Sensuality and Touch as the goal instead of Intercourse.

  3. Using nonverbal language to connect during sex.

  4. Appreciating what is working in your sex life rather than what is not working.

  5. Staying present during sex, not thinking about the past or the future.

A new monogamy vision includes a more conscious commitment where the couple creates a monogamy agreement that is renewable and flexible. This new vision of a stronger relationship creates a more sustainable monogamy and a more hopeful future where implicit betrayal moves into empathy and a more passionate, mature connection.  Exploring your erotic life together is a means of continuing to communicate and expand sharing your most authentic self and deepest desires.  Affair recovery when exercised successfully enables individuals to feel heard and seen in a way that they never have until now.  Call me at (858) 735-1139 to learn more about your erotic recovery.


I Said I’d Never Stay With A Partner Who Cheated On Me

I said I’d never stay with a partner who cheated on me.  We’ve all made this statement sometime in our relationship life.  “I Said I’d Never Stay With A Partner Who Cheated On Me.”  Who would want to stay with a spouse/partner who cheated on them? Obvious answer, “No one.”  But that question is not as black and white as one would think.  You may instinctively already know that infidelity is much more complicated than our culture admits.  That there are more choices in the aftermath than just separating or divorcing.  Affairs can be shocking and painful, no doubt, and can often cause untold damage.  However, for some couples, an affair may also be the path to strength and to a renewed and stronger relationship.

I Said I’d Never Stay With A Partner Who Cheated On Me

If individuals are confused about whether or not to stay together Couples Counseling with a trained Therapist in Infidelity recovery can help explore the options of giving your relationship another chance.

There are different components of an affair which include an outside emotional relationship, dishonesty, and a sexual relationship.  The outside emotional relationship is where a secondary relationship appears to be more important than the primary relationship where your partner’s affection for this other person is now a threat to your relationship.  Dishonesty is the deceitful behavior of lying, denying, or hiding evidence of an affair that destroys trust. The sexual relationship is the worst injury for most as a line of physical intimacy has been crossed and devastates a person’s self-esteem.

When an affair is discovered the immediate response is disbelief, anger, grief, loss, or sadness.  It can take several years before the hurt partner is ready to even consider forgiveness.  If you choose to stay and rebuild after an affair that doesn’t mean you forgive.  Forgiveness implies that you must now trust your partner’s promises of never straying again.  Asking for forgiveness places the responsibility on the hurt partner.  Forgiveness is a natural process that comes with an understanding and new awareness of your partner.  Then there is the guilt of not being able or want to forgive.  Or feeling guilty that you decided to stay in the relationship or guilty that you left the marriage.

Concentrate more so on ensuring you are ok, that your basic needs are taken care of, children are safe and you have a support system in place that includes family, friends and a Therapist who can help process the range of emotions you are feeling.  Be careful not to take too much advice from friends and family as they are biased in wanting the best for your well-being.


The decision is yours whether you stay in your relationship or leave it.  No one else’s.  Don’t allow anyone to judge or criticize your decision.  Develop and put in place a Moving Forward Plan for whatever you choose so that you know you have an objective tool to work from to evaluate your progress in getting what you want.  I help Individuals and Couples in Marriage Counseling develop Moving Forward Plans.  Each plan is different and unique to the people making them.  Give me a call at (858) 735-1139 and we can get started on your Moving Forward Plan.

What Happens At The Beginning Of A Relationship

What Happens At The Beginning Of A Relationship.  The Initial Phase of a Relationship is hot for about 3 months lasting up to 27 months, making for hot brain chemistry.  Same parts of the brain light up as it does for Cocaine.  Not Serotonin.  People become obsessed.  They don’t get much sleep, they text and make allot of calls.  Things don’t make sense at this stage.  PEA (Phenethylamine: an amine that naturally occurs in the brain and also in some foods, like chocolate. It’s a stimulant, much like an amphetamine, that releases Norepinephrine and Dopamine.) This chemical is found when you are falling in love. It’s responsible for the “head-over-heels,” elated part of love,  kicks in when you have new relationship energy.  PEA also kicks in when you have adventure or fear.  When you go on a scary ride for example at an amusement park. Your brain can’t maintain that intensity for more than 27 months.

After that you go into the Conflict Phase of your relationship.  You can have a conscious relationship.  Everyone has Eros energy; passion, aliveness and creativity.  Eros, in Greek Mythology, had sex with all the other Goddesses like Psyche.  Eros energy makes you feel alive and excited.  It makes you feel that life is worth living.  The problem becomes when the Eros energy isn’t the erotic part of the energy any more.  It gets shut down.  Without this erotic energy the relationship can feel hopeless.  This I refer to as Thanatos energy or the Death of Passion or death of Life Force.  The death force is that urge you feel when you want to bury your head under the pillow.  The desire not to exist.  Tantra is a goal of nonexistence by going through your partner.  At the end life we have a resurgence of Eros energy because it fights off the death force.  Intense Eros surge that flights off the doorway to death that they see opening.  To fight off drug addiction takes creative energy.

Globally the concept of commitment and trying to resurrect marriage/relationships is dying.

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