Steps For Moving Past An Affair

Steps For Moving Past An Affair. So your husband cheated. You found out due to discovery, not by his disclosure which makes it even worse. If you hadn’t found out would he ever have told you? Now you think you can’t ever trust him.  hings were pretty normal in your routine so you feel blindsided. For many couples an affair feels like the absolute end of the committed relationship or marriage.  And for some it is. An affair can be the end if it is used as a means to an end or the Exit Plan.  But for others, it can be the beginning of a stronger and more viable union.

Steps for moving past an affair:

1.  Feel your feelings.  You’ll experience a range of emotions – sad, angry, scared, numb.  Normalizing the emotions is a good start.

2.  Concentrate on yourself.  Especially if you were the one who got cheated on.  Think about your own needs.  Be selfish for once and treat yourself to something nice that will raise your confidence and self-esteem.  Feeling better about yourself helps while you undergo the process of healing.

3.  Exercise Empathy instead of hurrying the process of Forgiveness.  Forgiveness will come in time but the affair will never be forgotten.  With empathy, along with compassion and understanding, the memory should bring about positive change in both partners whether the decision is to stay together or move on.

4.  Go on a Date with your partner.  As the affair conversation becomes a daily part of your life, you are going to need to talk about something else.  Don’t talk about who cheated and why, or how many times.  Instead, talk about neutral topics.

5.  Work on Erotic Recovery.  This begins when you choose to begin the recovery from the affair.  Talk about what you each want in your sex life going forward.  Don’t focus on what’s not working or how you’ve been disappointed in the past.

6.  Start creating a Vision of your New Life together.  What do you want in your new life together?  That old marriage is over.  Once one of you cheated, it was the end of the vision you had of your committed, monogamous partnership.  But this marriage is yours to create and begin anew.

7.  Create a New Monogamy Agreement (The New Monogamy).  A contract created by the two of you with specific wants and don’t wants for moving forward addressing implicit and explicit expectations.

8.  Go to a Couples Counselor who specializes in Infidelity and Affair Recovery.

Many couples who come into see me for Couples Counseling find that their relationship doesn’t necessarily have to end in divorce or separation.  What they learn through the process has helped create an even stronger relationship where some couples say the affair may have been the best thing that could have happened to them.

For more information on Affair Recovery and how to move past an Infidelity please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or email me at

Would You Stay If Your Husband Cheated?

Would You Stay If Your Husband Cheated? Finding out your husband has cheated on you is about the worst pain and heartache that comes from such a betrayal. If you’ve ever been cheated on you know that feeling of devastation when you first find out as your heart starts to race, you experience difficulty in breathing, and you feel as afraid as you are angry. Your head tells you to leave but your heart tells you to stay.  Your family and friends take your side as they try to comfort you, but offer little help as they encourage you to leave as they state you can’t trust a cheater and cheaters never change. But is that always the case?

Would You Stay If Your Husband Cheated?

These days about 65% of couples stay together after an affair. That’s two-thirds of all couples who discover some form of infidelity, whether emotional or sexual. Many of those relationships not only survive but do better in the long run after affair recovery as they are forced to look at their relationship issues and move forward developing a New Monogamy or a new relationship that works better than the former. People who’ve been betrayed need to know that there’s no shame in staying in the marriage.

In my 25 + years of working with couples, I have found that couples who choose to recover from and rebuild after infidelity often end up with a stronger, more loving and mutually understanding relationship than they had previously. Three goals make staying together a possibility if both work toward creating something new between the two of them moving forward:

  1. Move toward Empathy rather than Forgiveness.
  2. Be completely honest. What do you have to lose at this point. There could be a Silver Lining, as relationship you’ve always wanted.
  3. Find a support system. A therapist who specializes in Affair Recovery and Infidelity.

Recovering from infidelity is hard work and the process cannot be rushed. Many of my clients have shared that had it not been for their husband’s affair, they’d never have looked at, discussed, and healed some of the underlying issues that were broken at the foundation of their relationship. Rather than destroying the marriage, the affair acted as a catalyst for positive changes.

For more information on how to divorce your old marriage and start anew with a relationship that is more honest and loving contact at (858) 735-1139  to start developing gaining the insight and self-awareness that will give you the capacity to change your relationship.

Sex and The Baby Boomers

Sex and The Baby Boomers. This Generation consist of individuals born between the years 1946 – 1964 during a period of time where there was a noticeable but temporary increase in the birth rate. This Generation, which I’m a part of, is also known as the “Coming of Age” era as WWII had ended and the world was experiencing many changes that would affect our present day culture.

Sex and The Baby Boomers

Baby boomers grew up enjoying the sexual revolution because the birth control pill was made available and enabled sexual freedom between the sexes.  A survey of 1,816 people were taken by the American Association of Retired People (AARP) to determine just how much this population still thinks about and engages in sex.

1.   71% say sex is still important to their lives.

2.   54% are satisfied with their sex lives.

3.   67% admit that their sexual desire has receded in the past 20 years.

4.   45% of Baby Boomers are less comfortable with their appearance then they were 10 years ago.

5.   33% have sexual thoughts or fantasies at least once a day.  The most common: having sex with someone younger.

6.   54% claim they have never watched online pornography.

7.   48% would prefer to spend time with friends than have sex.

8.   Boomer men report an average of 14 sexual partners over their lifetimes; women a total of 9.

9.   13% say they are great lovers.

10.  24% think their partners are great lovers.

I can appreciate the survey and want to add that as we get older physical intimacy is nice but that deeper emotional and psychological intimacy that one achieves as time goes by with one another is far better than any sexual orgasm at this stage of the game.  Yes, in our 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s sex was great, but in our 50’s, 60’s and 70’s sex is precious if you experience it with the one you grew old with.

If you would like more information on moving forward as a Baby Boomer in your sexual relationship please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Signs Your Husband May Be Having An Affair

Signs Your Husband May Be Having An Affair.  Are you observing strange behavior from your husband that keeps you up at night wondering if he’s cheating on you?  Your intuition tells you that something just isn’t right.  But on the surface things seems fine.  You’re relatively happy and content.  He tells you that he loves you.  Sex is fine.  He comes home every night and still calls you from work.  But you see him sending and receiving text and emails at strange hours of the night and weekends.  He works later than usual when at home and seems distracted at times.  He hides his cell phone when he didn’t in the past.  If you’re not sure whether you’re just being jealous or something really is going on, here are some signs your husband may be having an affair:

Signs Your Husband May Be Having An Affair
  • Unexplained time away.
  • Cheated in the past.
  • Suddenly shaving, smelling of nice cologne and dressing better.
  • Hides his cell phone.
  • Secret communication with other people.
  • Flirt with girls.
  • He has a New Favorite or Special Item he wears when he goes to a particular place. Could be something given to him by his girlfriend.
  • Feedback others give about him.

  • Losing interest in your relationship.
  • Bored and preoccupied.
  •  Cheating in other areas of his life.
  • Are you wondering if he’s cheating?
  • Evidence of cheating.

Of course none of these signs are proof that your husband is cheating or having an affair. But the signs are anxiety provoking to say the least.  I recommend having an honest discussion with him about your observations and your feelings associated with them. Share your feeling of insecurity.  If he has nothing to hide he will be open to a dialogue about your concerns.  If the information becomes too difficult to discuss talking to a Marriage Counselor who specializes in Infidelity and Affairs could help neutralize the topic and help you both move forward where you can become more comfortable talking about what needs to be said.

I have worked with Couples married or not married who have experienced the devastation of Infidelity.  The relationship does not have to end because an affair occurred.  Knowing how to survive an affair takes time and commitment to the process of recovery to make the outcome successful.

Please call me at (858) 735-1139 if you would like more information regarding your partner possibly having an affair and how to manage your situation.

Does Your Cheating Partner Deserve A Second Chance?

Does Your Cheating Partner Deserve A Second Chance?  When is enough….enough?  Many people ask themselves the question….”should I stay or should I go?”  Especially when the topic on the table is infidelity.  As a Marriage Counselor, specializing in Affair Recovery I get questions like:

1. Can you recover from infidelity?

2. Should you consider recovery?

3. Is past behavior future behavior?

Does Your Cheating Partner Deserve A Second Chance?

When there has been one indiscretion there are certain things that must happen for you to determine whether or not your spouse deserves a second chance.  Whether the infidelity happened because of immaturity, poor impulse control, “sowing wild oats,” or whatever the reason, it is important that your spouse:

1. Take ownership (responsibility) for what he/she did.

2. Show empathy – know what it’s done to you.

3. Can’t have any more secrets – must show transparency in behavior, including all means of communication.

4. Willing to be monitored.

5. Willing to be subjected to scrutiny.

6. Get professional help from a Counselor who specializes in Infidelity.

7. Understand why this was an ASSAULT on her/his being so there will be no next time.

8. Ask yourself the question…do you believe enough in yourself as a survivor that if he/she fails you and re-offends you can emotionally, psychologically and physically survive?  If you can = give him or her that second chance.  If you can’t = get out now!!  Your emotional well being is worth more than his or her second chance if they choose to hurt you again.

It is important to teach people how to treat you.  If you don’t expect consideration and respect some people won’t give it to you.  If you are experiencing the difficult decision whether or not to give your partner another chance as they have hurt you to your core by cheating on you and damaging your relationship, please give me a call at (858) 735-1139 or email me at [email protected] and we can talk about how you can make sure you are making the right decision for you and your family.

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