New Rules For Marriage

New Rules For Marriage. I was married for the first time in 1980. I was married for the second time in 1998. Relationship tools I utilized then were limited as I acquired them by way of what was role modeled to me by my parents. Relationships have their challenges as a result of their capacity to either interact with one another in a healthy or unhealthy way.  As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I specialize in working with couples who want to work on their communication, resolve conflict more effectively, and feel an emotional connection.

New Rules For Marriage

As modern marriages continue to undergo a revolution people want more from their relationships. Women want more emotional closeness than what many men have been raised to give. The lack of relational skills leave both sexes feeling frustrated and unheard. Tools from the twentieth century are no longer effective in the twenty-first-century.

This generation wants to be more than companionsMillennials want to be friends and lovers, as well as equal partners. The “Greatest” generation (WWII), your parents or grandparents, lived by defined male and female roles.  Men were the “breadwinners” and women the “caretakers.”  These unions were formed for the purposes of practicality, meeting the family’s basic needs, managing a household, raising children, and companionship in building a life together rather than having expectations of intimacy, emotional connectedness, sharing and support.  Twentieth-century love falls somewhere between “I like you enough” and would they make a good wife/mother or husband/breadwinner?

While entering the twenty-first-century, Baby Boomers are wanting more of what the Millennials are requiring in their relationships.  They no longer adhere to the code of patriarchy.  Both sexes are equal, gender roles are what they determine it to be, and emotional intimacy is expected.  Just as women expect to become professionals with higher degrees men can choose to be “stay at home” parents. As a Marriage Counselor who works specifically with couples, I find this refreshing and empowering.

New Rules For Marriage

With males and females being more thoughtful in developing relationships where there is more passion, more support and more connection a new skill set needs to be learned. Acquiring tools and learning a process in which to:

  • Identify and exercise appropriate behavior
  • Ask for what you need and want
  • Share thoughts and feelings
  • Show empathy
  • Validate
  • Manage emotions rather than “act them out”
  • Concentrate on self rather than other
  • Take responsibility
  • Have insight to continually be moving forward

New rules for marriage can introduce a totally different way of living.  Being able to manage oneself allows you to assert your needs and wants while simultaneously appreciating the needs and wants of your partner. Knowing how to do that requires some adjustment to the way you think about relationships from the 20th century.

For more information on developing a fulfilling and respectful relationship contact me at (858) 735 -1139.

Vacation With An Asperger Husband

Vacation With An Asperger Husband. I recently took a vacation to Italy and wanted to share what travelling with a partner on the Spectrum looks like. To start off, I love my husband very much and we both have been working hard on maintaining a cohesive Neurodiverse Relationship. As mentioned in older posts his inability to be relational made me feel more like a group leader/organizer than a woman on vacation with her man in one of the most romantic places in the world.

Vacation With An Asperger Husband

We visited Naples, Rome, Tuscany and Venice and during our down time from sightseeing he was on his phone listening to audio books which were of apparent interest to him. While napping in a Villa in Tuscany he was listening to his audio books as he did when I took a bubble bath in our Grand Canal view suite in Venice. Had I not been educated on Asperger’s and being married to a spouse on the Spectrum I would have experienced many melt downs which include being upset, yelling, ignoring, shaming, crying, and threatening the relationship. In the past I wouldn’t bring his behavior to his attention, rather, ignore it or make some excuse about why he isn’t more interactive. Because I do so now and share what it means to me I am able to manage my emotions more appropriately. He learns with each opportunity as I tell him exactly what I need and want in challenging situations. He appreciates my input and is mindful to adjust his behavior in meeting them.

Being married to someone on the spectrum can make you feel alone, lonely and invisible. Cassandra Syndrome shares more of these kinds feelings. To help manage these emotions it’s important to have a good sense of self and do things to overcompensate them. On vacation I like to carve out time to be by myself for a couple of hours. As a Marriage Counselor, I enjoy people watching and observing couples interacting within their own dynamic. Helps me get some perspective as all couples have their ups and downs.

It isn’t easy travelling with someone on the spectrum as most of the time you do all the work. As with anything life isn’t perfect and being married to an Asperger husband has it pros and cons. In conclusion the trip was fabulous. Due in part, to our understanding of our Neurodiversity and the two of us being able to express our expectations.

For more information on being married to someone on the spectrum and how to manage being in a Neurodiverse Relationship please contact me at (858) 735-1139.