My Neurodiverse Marriage -1

My Neurodiverse Marriage -1. I’m married to a man with autism. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder typically diagnosed during childhood. (ASD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder also known as Asperger’s. Asperger’s was renamed by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, often known as the “DSM,” a reference book on mental health and brain-related conditions and disorders.

My Neurodiverse Marriage -1

I still use the term Asperger’s to describe high functioning autism. Asperger husbands are also fondly referred to as “Aspie’s.” My asperger husband and I have been married for 25 years.  In my neurdiverse marriage, we utilize the systems and tools I use in my private practice. I’ve been working with couples, married and not married, for over 25 years. I have come to realize that over one third of those couples may have been neurodiverse relationships. There is specific training involved when working with neurodiverse couples so traditional marriage counseling isn’t effective and can even be detrimental for moving forward.

As a certified neurodiverse couples counselor, I work with couples through a neurological lens, as neurology matters. In the beginning of our marriage his behavior frustrated and confused me. I know now what I didn’t know then….my husband has Asperger’s.

My husband and I have our good days and bad days. I have come to realize that the bad days come about because my husband doesn’t have time or doesn’t make the time to recharge.  His ability to be present with me is limited, if not absent. Because my personal issue is not feeling validated I feel ignored when he isn’t paying attention to me when I’m talking to him. I can become reactive by acting out in hurtful and sometimes abusive ways toward him rather than be responsive and just share my feelings of  being sad, hurt, and disappointed.

I’ve learned to manage my triggers in my neurodiverse marriage by taking a pause and understand the trigger is from my past and that my husband isn’t ignoring me on purpose. But, boy, does it feel like he is at the moment.  I put a system in place to manage my Cassandra symptoms. When I am happy and my relationship is happy. Happy Me Happy We is a book I wrote that helps with understanding the individual needs to be whole for any relationship to solid. That, with the addition of breath work, meditation, and being in the presence moment helps me stay responsive rather than reactive. My relationship with my husband went from good enough to amazing.

Yours can too. For more information about getting what you need in your neurodiverse marriage please contact me at or call me at (858) 735-1139

Have Questions About Your Asperger Husband

Have Questions About Your Asperger Husband Do you have questions about your asperger husband? This is your opportunity to ask questions that could help you better understand and effectively communicate with your ASD spouse. Please feel free to submit your questions about your neurodiverse marriage and/or your Asperger Husband. My new book will be out in a few months and I would like to make sure these questions are answered. I can’t promise all the questions will be answered, but I’ll highlight the questions most asked.

Have Questions About Your Asperger Husband

If you’re married to someone who is kindhearted, generous, pretty easy going, and nice, while appearing inconsiderate, selfish, and distant at times, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum. If you feel lonely, alone, frustrated, angry, and resentful in your marriage, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum. If people you know and trust say your husband has quirky behavior, and can be offensive at times, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum.

I’ve been working with neurodiverse couples as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years not realizing this population existed when little was known about Autism in adults aka Asperger’s now renamed Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have come to realize that about 1/3 of the couples I treated were most likely neurodiverse relationships. Neurodiverse couples are included in every race, creed, gender, etc. In fact, you may know some neurodiverse couples and not even know that they are neurodiverse. You may see them as quirkly, argumentative, aloof, not social, blunt, to name a few.

A neurodiverse couple consist of one or more partners on the Autism Spectrum. My work typically includes the Neurotypical wife (NT), and the Neurodivergent husband (ND) or also known as the Asperger Husband (AS). As my husband and I are a neurodiverse couple, I fondly refer to him as an “Aspie.”

Working with neurodiverse couples throughout the world, I get asked a lot of questions that I personally relate to. I share my stories and tools that help my husband and I maintain our emotional connection. We are much more relational than transactional these days as we put systems in place for effective communication and are explicit in asking for what you need and want.

My husband continues to learn about his developmental challenges and is involved in ongoing groups to help him regulate his emotions and become less closed and more forthcoming when communicating with me. Because I suffered from Cassandra Syndrome I was a scary person to be around as I was acting out my emotions inappropriately, where it bordered on verbal abuse. I wanted so much for my husband to come to me when he had something on his mind, but my scary reactive personality got in the way of what I wanted.  I, too, had to learn to regulate my emotions and become the wife he deserved. With the system I put in place, my husband doesn’t even remember the last time I lashed out on him.

The key is not to change your ASD spouse. One, because there’s nothing wrong with being on the spectrum, it’s a developmental disorder with its challenges and two, neurotypicals also have their challenges and we should embrace the differences that can make a neurodiverse marriage thrive.

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Husband On the Autism Spectrum

Husband On the Autism Spectrum. Asperger’s was renamed Autism Spectrum Disorder in 2013 by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.) removing Asperger’s as a standalone diagnosis and made it part of one umbrella diagnosis. However, some people still self-identify with the term Asperger’s which is ASD level 1.

If you’re married to someone who is kindhearted, generous, pretty easy going, and nice, while appearing inconsiderate, selfish, and distant at times, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum. If you feel lonely, alone, frustrated, angry, and resentful in your marriage, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum. If people you know and trust say your husband has quirky behavior, and can be offensive at times, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum.

Husband On the Autism Spectrum

Why do I make this speculation? Because, I’m married to someone on the autism spectrum. Married 25 years, the first 13 were really challenging. It put my will to the test and I almost didn’t make it emotionally. My husband was the nicest man I ever met and was agreeable to anything I said. Why, then did I behave like I hated him. Ask anyone who knows me, I’m a pretty reasonable and positive person with tons of energy. It takes a lot to get me upset. Yet, with my husband, a man I truly love, I acted out in ways that would bring him to tears and almost always, shut down mode.

Communication was horrible. It was like we were speaking different languages and were from different planets. This was my second marriage. I was previously married to a man with narcissistic traits, so when I met my husband who was so kind and generous, I thought I won the lottery. After a couple of years I thought I made a big mistake.

Cassandra syndrome set in and I lost my sense of self. My new book will be out soon that talks about what that looked like. From the beginning I knew something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was so frustrated because I was a marriage counselor and my own marriage was experiencing much disharmony. Every few months I would burst into a rage stating, “I want a divorce.” I was very unhappy. I help people who ask the question….”should I stay or should I go?” I asked that same question for years. At the same time I knew there were strengths in our relationship. If it weren’t for those strengths, I wouldn’t have been able to stay.

When we finally understood my husband was in fact on the spectrum it changed everything. He felt relief as he always knew something was off about himself. It gave me some clarity and I was able to gain back my sanity. We entered marriage counseling, but the therapist wasn’t well versed in treating neurodiverse couples as neurology matters. As a result, I became certified and provide neurodiverse couples counseling to couples all over the world helping couples through a neurodiverse lens providing effective tools for communication.

The key to living a harmonious life together consist of my husband getting the tools he needs to better understand his brain and how it sees the world, and for me to manage my acting out behavior so the relationship has a safe place to learn how to be more relational and less transactional for moving forward.

For more information about neurodiverse couples and how to thrive in your relationship please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website at


How Asperger’s Affect Marriages

How Asperger’s Affects Marriages. The impact of Asperger’s on a marriage is substantial and can cause a great deal of pain for both partners especially when the condition is not understood. The relationship typically involves a neurotypical wife (NT) and an Asperger Husband (AS). Because neurology matters, it’s important to work with a neurodiverse counselor as they help couples using a neurological lens bringing understanding and change to the differences in the way both think and communicate. As a certified neurodiverse couples counselor, I act as translator for the behaviors of the AS partner to the NT partner and vice versa.

How Asperger’s Affect Marriages

Before I met my husband, I dated many men who claimed they held women with respect and equality when, really they bought into a system of society where males held the power and women were largely excluded from it. Feminists mainly use the term to describe the power relationship between men and women. So, more so than not, I dated a lot of narcissists and experienced a lot a drama. They can create self-doubt by playing on your insecurities and weak points. Instilling self-doubt and gaslighting (a patterned, repetitive set of manipulation tactics that makes someone question reality is abusive and certainly doesn’t feel good).

How Asperger’s Affect Marriages

I had been divorced for seven years before meeting my husband who has Asperger’s. When I met him he was very kind and generous. Unlike, narcissists, he didn’t have an agenda to control or manipulate me. He was intelligent, attractive, and seemed grounded enough as he was calm during my bouts of emotional reactivity. Because there was little drama and I was ready to remarry, I believed he would make a good partner. At the beginning he seemed social enough, although I observed some social anxiety and communication that seemed rather odd. His quiet personality was refreshing and helped me become a little more calm in stressful situations.

After ten months of dating we married. The first ten years were quite nice but were filled with confusion for me. I noticed he wasn’t as communicative, didn’t seem to desire an emotional connection, and our communication was more transactional than relational. I felt as if I was losing my sense of self. I felt lonely, angry, frustrated and depressed. Later, I came to understand my feelings stemmed from ongoing relationship trauma, also know as Cassandra Syndrome.

Aspergers, which is now referred to as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) can affect marriages in the following way:

  • Personal challenges can create ongoing conflict which could lead to detachment from each other for both partners. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help address anxiety and personal challenges. Psychoactive medicines can manage anxiety, Attention deficit disorder (ADD), Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and depression. Aspergers can appear like Narcissism when in fact the bad behavior isn’t intentional.
  • Social interaction is limited and can be seen as aloof, not personable, and arrogant. Social skills training classes can help with conversational skills and understanding social cues.
  • Volume of voice and pitch can create miscommunication and discord. Speech therapy can help with voice control.
  • Clumsiness and awkward movement can create limitations to physical activity and sex. Physical and occupational therapy can improve coordination.

Of course, this is just a few ways Asperger’s affect marriages. I know first hand how the differences of NT and AS partners can either make or break a relationship. I also know AS husbands can make good partners.  Learn more about ASD and acquire the necessary tools to keep your marriage safe from yet another divorce statistic.

Contact me via my website: or text me your email address for information to get started.


New Year And Relationships

New Year And Relationships. With every New Year, there are  New Year’s resolutions. As a Marriage Counselor, the new year brings in couples who are either ending their relationships or couples who are starting new ones. The past year gave those who were thinking about staying or leaving a chance to think about whether or not it was feasible to stay. Those that are starting new relationships come into counseling to ensure they are putting forth their best efforts. The beginning of a new year is typically the time when couples either become engaged or separate and divorce. As a Marriage Counselor working with couples deciding whether to stay in their relationship or leave it, January 1st is an important deadline for ending relationships.  Breaking up, separation, and divorce can be devastating. It can also provide the opportunity for self-examination and a New Beginning.

New Year 2023

New Year And Relationships. As a Marriage Counselor, I help couples nurture good relationships and let go of unhealthy ones. We may love our family, but, there are some we just don’t like and feel uncomfortable to be around. Friends who take advantage of and manipulate us aren’t really our friends. Toxic people create a bitter atmosphere that is not conducive to happy dispositions. I help individuals acquire the skills for self-care and teach others how to behave around them. Without tools for teaching others how to appropriately behave around us, how can real change occur? Asserting oneself is not always easy, but in the long run, can indicate self-love and help you feel more in control of your life.

The New Year brings about the end of relationships for some couples and the beginning for others. The difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship is how well each person accepts responsibility and the willingness of each person to both reject and be rejected by their partner.

Stylish young couple fighting over luggage and playing tug of war with a large suitcase on an urban streetIn unhealthy relationships, two people try to solve each other’s problems in order to feel good about themselves.  A healthy one is when two people solve their own problems in order to feel good about each other. Unhealthy relationships have poor boundaries. Boundaries help people distinguish between their own thoughts and feelings and others. They help individual’s own their “stuff” and allow other’s to see where their responsibilities lie.

Couple with unpacked boxes in new home

Healthy relationships consist of both partners being willing and able to say no to one another. Without being able to say “no” or the occasional rejection, boundaries break down and one person’s problems and values come to dominate the other’s. Conflict is normal in healthy couples and being conflict avoidant; not being able to hash out differences openly and vocally is a sure way for a relationship to deteriorate as it is based on manipulation and misrepresentation. Trust is also very important in any relationship. Healthy relationships experience conflict and should have good conflict resolution skills so communication can bring about the intimacy needed to want to remain in their couple hood.  Conflict exists to show us who is there for us unconditionally and who is just there for the benefits.

I also work with Neurodiverse Marriages where one partner is on the Autism Spectrum. Getting the communication tools to become less transactional and more relational is essential for harmony. Let this new year allow you the opportunity to learn about neurodiversity and how it affects your relationship. Being married to someone on the Autism Spectrum doesn’t have to be a life sentence to not being seen or heard. Learning how to communicate with one another makes for feeling less lonely.

If you have recently broken off an important relationship and are experiencing grief and loss or need help maintaining a new relationship please contact at (858) 735-1139 or email me at to make sure you get the proper guidance to lead you to the maximum results.

As I am a certified neurodiverse couples counselor and neurotypical woman married to a man with Asperger’s, I know what is needed to move forward.