asperger marriage

Asperger Husband Need A Diagnosis?

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Does Your Asperger Husband Need A Diagnosis? In 2013, the term Aspergers became part of one umbrella diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD) renamed bv the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5 (DSM-5). There is currently no specific test or diagnostic criteria for diagnosing Asperger’s in adults.

Tablet with diagnosis Aspergers

As a certified neurodiverse couples counselor and coach, I inform new clients it’s not that important to get a formal diagnosis. Minors tend to receive one as it supports their need for community resources. Working with adults I don’t place labels on anyone who may be on the spectrum, rather, I help both partners acquire tools to become more relational rather than transactional. We’re all on the spectrum to some degree. Emotional connectedness is what everyone wants.

My husband has Asperger’s so I can relate to what neurodiverse couples go through. Surviving an Asperger Marriage is possible. Learning each others’ love language is a start to establishing that intimacy.

Asperger Husband Need A Diagnosis?

Couple with an emotional connection

Those who are interested in taking a self-assessment test or looking at an Asperger’s profile (AANE.org) may do so to see where on the spectrum one falls into. Although this is not a diagnosis, it may provide important insights that a person can discuss with their doctor or neurodiverse counselor/coach.

As Asperger’s is no longer diagnosed as a condition in and of itself it is important to see couples through a neurological lens as neurology matters helping each partner understand how they process information and how it effects their communication. A partner with Asperger’s has different ways of learning, moving, or paying attention. They also have problems with social communication and interaction with some restricted repetitive behaviors that can hinder their ability to connect with their neurotypical partner (wife). These characteristics can make relationships challenging.

My work with neurodiverse couples consist of putting a system in place, acquiring tools for initiating conversation, sharing thoughts and feelings, and asking for what they need and want. I act as a translator for what may be construed as unkind and rigid behavior, as well as differentiating between spectrum behavior and narcissism. Believe me your Asperger husband isn’t doing hurtful things on purpose.

For more information about my services and fees please text me at (858) 735-1139 with your email address.

 

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

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Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Relationships are complex. The skills we use to build and maintain personal relationships are innate and unlearned. Others are acquired from our life experiences and role modeled from those around us. Some relationships are healthy and functional. Others are dysfunctional and/or abusive. In the beginning of any new relationship the atmosphere is fun loving and fairly easy. After the Honeymoon Stage people let their hair down and show us their true selves. Sometimes those true selves don’t make appropriate partners. If you want to know what’s behind your bad behavior, the behavior that sabotages harmony, you have to understand what happened to you growing up. It doesn’t have to take forever to do that.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Couples in healthy relationships have clear boundaries and mutual trust. The Conflict Resolution Stage is where most couples stand the test of time. With conflict resolution skills they are able to manage their differences without damaging their relationship. We all have different perspectives. If we can show empathy and validate our partner’s perspective, that not only shows you love and care for them, you have the maturity to obtain insight about others.

As a Marriage Counselor, I work with couples who have the capacity to see each other’s perspective and those who do not. In acquiring the tools for effective communication the couple either moves forward or is stuck at an impasse where they seem unable to exercise the system put in place for conflict resolution.

When at an impasse an assessment is made to determine whether one or both partners can’t or won’t allow the tools to manage their conflict.  I see couples who keep themselves in vicious cycles because one refuses to accept the challenges of the other and remains in an unhealthy and unhappy situation. When enough time goes by and there is seemingly no progress from the partner with little to no empathy for the other’s perspective one or both may decide to leave the relationship.

I work with many couples who need help deciding “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” Through our counseling both have the opportunity to make an informed decision as they progress through their process or lack thereof  and that becomes the answer to that question.

For more information about why you do what you do that sabotages your relationship contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Stress Free Valentine’s Day Tips

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Stress free Valentine’s Day tips.  As a Marriage Counselor, I’ve noticed some married couples tend to downplay Valentine’s Day.  It could be because they’ve been married for so long they may unknowingly be taking each other for granted.  Perhaps that’s one of the reasons they are receiving counseling. When talking to the men in my practice they say Valentine’s Day is a very stressful Holiday for them. Plans they have made or gifts they have given in the past were unappreciated or criticized and sometimes they feel they can never get it right. Women say their partners don’t care for all that “lovey dovey” stuff and just want sex.  Seems we’ve lost the sentiment of what Valentine’s Day is all about being so commercialized taking away the simplicity of what it is intended to represent. If you’re in a neurodiverse marriage, Valentine’s Day and other holidays are big stressors for the person on the Autism Spectrum. Discuss expectations and be explicit rather than implicit about plans.

Stress Free Valentine’s Day Tips

It’s a celebration of Love.  Love shouldn’t stress you out.  If it does take a moment to slow down, be mindful (stay in the moment), and refocus. Turn the day into an opportunity to look at your relationships in a new way.  Valentine’s Day is a reminder to show appreciation for the people we care most about.  And it can be a day to do something special for yourself too.

A stressful Valentine’s Day can look like this:  Buying expensive roses that you can’t really afford. Spending money on a card that cost $8.00 and a box of chocolates at $25+.  Dinner reservation where everywhere in town cost double or triple.  You rush home from work to get to that reservation.  Get redressed so you look refreshed.  Hit traffic.  Pay for parking.  Stay out late.  May or may not have sex. End the evening late.  Work the next day.  Tired.
Stress Free Valentine’s Day Tips
A more joyful and relaxed Valentine’s Day can look like this:
  • Give something thoughtful, personalized, and meaningful to someone you care about. A hand written note with a list of things you appreciate and are thankful for about those loved ones. It shows you are paying attention and care.
  • You can’t go wrong with candy.
  • Flowers given the day before or after, as pricing is reasonable.
  • If you want to do the dinner thing, the day before or day after always makes for a stress-free evening as there are fewer crowds and the pricing is reasonable.
  • Most importantly talk about Valentine’s Day expectations.
Being married for 23 years Valentine’s Day can tend to be just another day for me, as well. In the past, I planned a special dinner for friends and relatives of those with no significant other as some became widowed or had recent breakups. I thanked them for their friendship and told them something about them I appreciated. They left with happy memories of stories from our past and party favors to reflect the evening which included chocolates and handwritten Valentine’s Day cards. The event not only made me and my family members happy it brought joy to our guest and made for a wonderful celebration of love.
If you’d like more information about how to make your Valentine’s Day a more enjoyable experience please call me at (858) 735-1139.