When You’re Married To A Neurodiverse Spouse. You may feel so emotionally disconnected, you wonder if it’s possible to have a happy marriage. You can find happiness and fulfillment in your neurodiverse marriage. You can have the communication and emotional connection that you crave. But you need tools that are designed for couples like you. My book, “The Happy Neurodiverse Marriage” gives you tools to make that happen.
When You’re Married To A Neurodiverse Spouse
You are neurotypical (NT) and your partner isn’t. Typically, the ASD partner is the husband and the neurotypical (NT) is the wife. At least in my practice that is the case. There are many men who are married to women on the Autism Spectrum. Women with autism will often mask or mimic others’ mannerisms, making it less likely to detect autism in females. Regardless, neurodiverse couples need tools that are designed specifically for couples like you. You both speak different languages so Neurology matters.
Absolutely nothing is more important to a relationship than communication. Without healthy communication, you are two islands with no bridge. You are each trapped in your own paradigm and your own perspective, with no way to understand each other or work for each other’s good.
The six tools are all built on having honest, open conversations with your partner. Without a framework for how to communicate, those conversations simply can’t take place. When you learn how to engage in those real conversations, you transform your relationship. You bring the islands close enough together to build those bridges.
Please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website for more information.
Neurodiverse Marriages Can Work. Life never ceases to amaze me. Growing older and wiser I am still in awe of couples who are able to manage the highs and lows of marriage. Marriage isn’t easy. There’s ongoing hard work needed to manage the worst of times and thrive in the best of times. When you’re in a neurodiverse marriage there are even more challenges to manage than traditional ones.
Neurodiverse Marriages Can Work (available on Amazon)
You’re in pain. You’re confused and frustrated. You married someone who was kind, generous, calm, and brilliant. Sure, your partner was reserved. Maybe a little aloof. But over time, that reservation started to hurt. That aloofness twisted into self-centered actions. You feel alone. Neglected. You try to communicate, but it feels like you’re speaking different languages.
This ongoing emotional suffering results from distressing interpersonal relations with your Asperger/ASD spouse. He doesn’t understand, empathize with or validate your pain. This ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome is known as Cassandra Syndrome. You feel isolated and helpless to change your partner’s behavior.
In my own marriage of over 25 years, I can relate to such suffering. I often times asked the question…”should I stay or should I go?” It took many years of research and development to acquire tools for communication and emotional connection.
There are many resources out there to help neurodiverse couples. It’s essential to recognize, understand and treat the challenges. As a neurodiverse couples counselor, I know first hand that traditional marriage counseling is not effective as my husband and I went through that process to no avail.
It’s even more important to get the help needed for individual challenges as they can complicate the already difficult pieces to the ASD puzzle. As a neurotypical wife (NT), I had to examine how my behavior was affecting my relationship. Despite my cassandra symptoms I had to learn how to regulate my emotions and put a plan in place to remove myself when ASD situations came up. My daily meditation helped me stay on track to manage my acting out behaviors so I can be more present to utilize the communication tools. My ASD husband also learned how to regulate his emotions and slowly has been able to express his feelings. He continues to manage his social anxiety which I took personally, as I thought he didn’t want to interact with me or anybody else for that matter.
My husband stretches his limits and opens up more to people. He initiates conversation even when it is scary to do so. You don’t get better overnight, but you do need to start somewhere.
I’m here to help with that starting point. I start my process through education but, more importantly, I know you want immediate relief, so I like to introduce the tools sooner rather than later. It’s an ongoing process but if you don’t start somewhere you’ll never get your happy ever ending.
Please text me your email address for more information about my services and fees at (858) 735-1139.
The Happy Neurodiverse Marriage – How To Become One. There are many women married to men on the Autism Spectrum. They never suspected their husbands had high functioning autism, formerly known as Asperger’s. For years these marriages had no clue they were neurodiverse (neurotypical wife and autistic husband). These wives came to believe their husbands were jerks and/or narcissists, even though deep down they knew they were good men. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified neurodiverse couples counselor/coach. I have been in a neurodiverse marriage for 25 years.
The Happy Neurodiverse Marriage – How To Become One
The first decade of my marriage, I felt like I was going crazy and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown suffering from Cassandra Syndrome. Being the strong person I am, as well as being an effective marriage counselor, I refused to believe nothing could be done to reach harmony. Of course there were days I wanted to leave my marriage (threatening to do so every other month), but I loved my husband as he is a gentle and kindhearted man. He didn’t deserve my harsh acting out behavior because I was so frustrated and at a loss. He tried to the best of his ability to manage the neurodiverse stressors, but didn’t have the tools to be able to do so.
The Happy Neurodiverse Marriage – How To Become One
We received some marriage counseling, but as it turns out, traditional marriage counseling is not effective and can even be detrimental. In my research and development for working with neurodiverse couples, I became a certified neurodiverse couples counselor as neurology matters. I put systems in place and teach tools for communication and emotional connection with Asperger husbands. These tools help the dynamic become more relational and less transactional.
Asperger’s has it’s strengths but because of the disorder’s developmental challenges, interaction can be difficult and not clear.
Becoming a happy neurodiverse marriage includes:
- Education about Autism Spectrum Disorder
- Understanding Cassandra and how to manage these debilitating symptoms
- Accepting and embracing the disorder (formal diagnosis is not needed)
- Put a system in place to stabilize day to day life
- Get tools for communication and emotional connection
- Neurotypical wife needs to create a life of her own (independent of the marriage)
- “Happy Me Happy We” can get you on the right track for emotional independence
- Neurotypical wife could benefit from meditation and breathing techniques to develop neuroplasticity to be able to accommodate change in the brain
- Asperger husband can benefit from an AS men’s support group
Becoming a happy neurodiverse “we” isn’t going to happen overnight. It actually took us years to get to where we are today. Good enough can become amazing with effort and continual practice of the tools for communication and emotional connection.
For more information on becoming a happy neurodiverse “we” please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or to to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com
Neurodiverse Marriages – Tool To Answer Stay Or Go. Some of you may not even know you are in a neurodiverse marriage. If you’re married to someone on the Autism Spectrum, you are in a neurodiverse marriage aka Asperger Marriage. Your relationship is more transactional than relational and you can’t even remember what a healthy relationship looks like. You might have lost your sense of self suffering from Cassandra.
Neurodiverse Marriages – Tool To Answer Stay Or Go
I’ve been married to my Asperger Husband for 25 years and spent the last 15 years managing my ongoing Cassandra symptoms. We have many strengths, however, the disorder keeps the shortcomings extremely challenging. As a marriage counselor, I have given my couples many tools to not only survive their marriages, but thrive in them. When it comes to working with neurodiverse couples, it is essential to get the tools needed for communication and emotional connection. An essential tool for the Neurotypical Wife (NT) is to have an independent life within her interdependent life with her Asperger Husband (AS). Self-care includes having her own, hobbies, job, friends, etc. In making herself happy she allows room for the relationship to be “good enough.” Happy Me Happy We is a book I wrote to help understand what it is you want so you know what you want in a relationship.
Once you’ve got a good idea of what you want in your relationship, develop a two column list with 1) things you can tolerate in your marriage and 2) things you will not tolerate in your marriage. Understanding Autism is a developmental delay, there are things the brain cannot register and will make it difficult to interact with someone on the spectrum. Yes, there are tools for more effective communication and emotional connection, but the most important tool is taking care of yourself in the marriage. Because we NT wives tend to overfunction in our relationships, we are exhausted, resentful, angry, to name a few emotions. And this exhaustion leads to poor physical and emotional well being. Most Asperger husbands are good at heart, but can make interacting troublesome. In weighing the pros and cons, just like neurotypical marriages, it is important to know what are deal breakers.
Using this tool helps NT wives know where their boundaries lie. If you continue to make the intolerable behaviors acceptable then you know you’ve made a choice to remain in your marriage and should give up the “victim” status as you’ve made a choice. Of course, you need to share with your husband what is tolerable and what is not. He does need to be given the opportunity to learn new ways to behave with you. Neurodiverse marriage counseling/coaching does just that. We all have choices when it comes to staying or going.
For more information please contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com