Couples Counseling

My Neurodiverse Marriage – 2. My neurodiverse marriage 1. Like I shared in my first article, neurodiverse marriages which I still refer to as Asperger Marriages, (describes a higher level of functioning on the Autism Spectrum), have their good and bad days. Unlike other couples, neurodiverse couples can range from good enough to amazing to never good enough and “I want a divorce.” Some couples can be emotionally reactive and go days not talking to each other. I prefer to pause and not act out my hurt and disappointment. I try to be responsive in recognizing what I’m feeling and share what bothers me about my husband’s shortcomings. My neurodiverse marriage is successful as we put in the hard work of utilizing the daily and weekly tools to effectively communicate and emotionally connect.

My Neurodiverse Marriage – 2

It took me years to manage my Cassandra Syndrome, aka Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Disorder. And traumatic relationship disorder it is. Cassandra Syndrome is the Neurotypical’s (NT wife’s) experience of emotional suffering that results from distressing interpersonal relations with their Asperger husband (AS) who does not understand, empathize with or validates the NT’s pain and sorrow.

My ASD husband and I try very hard to make sure our communication is direct and say what we mean without expecting minds to be read. It doesn’t diminish requests if you ask for them directly. On the contrary, if you don’t ask for what you need and want you mostly likely won’t get it. If you need clarity and you don’t ask for it, you will continue to be confused.

We use a tool that is extremely helpful. Its goal is to help with initiating conversation, sharing of thoughts and feelings, and asking for what you need and want. The structured tool has questions you ask one another and the answers help with not only feeling emotionally connected, but getting clarity in what is needed for efficiency throughout your week and communication where both understanding what is required of them.

When my husband and I use this tool weekly, it’s called The Weekly Inventory, we stay on track and limit what can come up as ugly challenges that create hurt feelings for both of us. The tool helps develop a momentum where each week’s follow through helps develop and maintain trust. When you can feel safe in talking to one another, communication is so much easier to maintain.

There are many other tools my husband and I utilize. I will being sharing more at the next article.

For more information about your neurodiverse marriage and Asperger Husband, please contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or (858)

 

My Neurodiverse Marriage -1. I’m married to a man with autism. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder typically diagnosed during childhood. (ASD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder also known as Asperger’s. Asperger’s was renamed by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, often known as the “DSM,” a reference book on mental health and brain-related conditions and disorders.

My Neurodiverse Marriage -1

I still use the term Asperger’s to describe high functioning autism. Asperger husbands are also fondly referred to as “Aspie’s.” My asperger husband and I have been married for 25 years.  In my neurdiverse marriage, we utilize the systems and tools I use in my private practice. I’ve been working with couples, married and not married, for over 25 years. I have come to realize that over one third of those couples may have been neurodiverse relationships. There is specific training involved when working with neurodiverse couples so traditional marriage counseling isn’t effective and can even be detrimental for moving forward.

As a certified neurodiverse couples counselor, I work with couples through a neurological lens, as neurology matters. In the beginning of our marriage his behavior frustrated and confused me. I know now what I didn’t know then….my husband has Asperger’s.

My husband and I have our good days and bad days. I have come to realize that the bad days come about because my husband doesn’t have time or doesn’t make the time to recharge.  His ability to be present with me is limited, if not absent. Because my personal issue is not feeling validated I feel ignored when he isn’t paying attention to me when I’m talking to him. I can become reactive by acting out in hurtful and sometimes abusive ways toward him rather than be responsive and just share my feelings of  being sad, hurt, and disappointed.

I’ve learned to manage my triggers in my neurodiverse marriage by taking a pause and understand the trigger is from my past and that my husband isn’t ignoring me on purpose. But, boy, does it feel like he is at the moment.  I put a system in place to manage my Cassandra symptoms. When I am happy and my relationship is happy. Happy Me Happy We is a book I wrote that helps with understanding the individual needs to be whole for any relationship to solid. That, with the addition of breath work, meditation, and being in the presence moment helps me stay responsive rather than reactive. My relationship with my husband went from good enough to amazing.

Yours can too. For more information about getting what you need in your neurodiverse marriage please contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139

Have Questions About Your Asperger Husband Do you have questions about your asperger husband? This is your opportunity to ask questions that could help you better understand and effectively communicate with your ASD spouse. Please feel free to submit your questions about your neurodiverse marriage and/or your Asperger Husband. My new book will be out in a few months and I would like to make sure these questions are answered. I can’t promise all the questions will be answered, but I’ll highlight the questions most asked.

Have Questions About Your Asperger Husband

If you’re married to someone who is kindhearted, generous, pretty easy going, and nice, while appearing inconsiderate, selfish, and distant at times, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum. If you feel lonely, alone, frustrated, angry, and resentful in your marriage, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum. If people you know and trust say your husband has quirky behavior, and can be offensive at times, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum.

I’ve been working with neurodiverse couples as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years not realizing this population existed when little was known about Autism in adults aka Asperger’s now renamed Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have come to realize that about 1/3 of the couples I treated were most likely neurodiverse relationships. Neurodiverse couples are included in every race, creed, gender, etc. In fact, you may know some neurodiverse couples and not even know that they are neurodiverse. You may see them as quirkly, argumentative, aloof, not social, blunt, to name a few.

A neurodiverse couple consist of one or more partners on the Autism Spectrum. My work typically includes the Neurotypical wife (NT), and the Neurodivergent husband (ND) or also known as the Asperger Husband (AS). As my husband and I are a neurodiverse couple, I fondly refer to him as an “Aspie.”

Working with neurodiverse couples throughout the world, I get asked a lot of questions that I personally relate to. I share my stories and tools that help my husband and I maintain our emotional connection. We are much more relational than transactional these days as we put systems in place for effective communication and are explicit in asking for what you need and want.

My husband continues to learn about his developmental challenges and is involved in ongoing groups to help him regulate his emotions and become less closed and more forthcoming when communicating with me. Because I suffered from Cassandra Syndrome I was a scary person to be around as I was acting out my emotions inappropriately, where it bordered on verbal abuse. I wanted so much for my husband to come to me when he had something on his mind, but my scary reactive personality got in the way of what I wanted.  I, too, had to learn to regulate my emotions and become the wife he deserved. With the system I put in place, my husband doesn’t even remember the last time I lashed out on him.

The key is not to change your ASD spouse. One, because there’s nothing wrong with being on the spectrum, it’s a developmental disorder with its challenges and two, neurotypicals also have their challenges and we should embrace the differences that can make a neurodiverse marriage thrive.

Please email me your questions to Sarah@CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

Visit my website for more information about my work at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com and my blog at

CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com/relationships

 

 

 

 

How Asperger’s Affects Marriages. The impact of Asperger’s on a marriage is substantial and can cause a great deal of pain for both partners especially when the condition is not understood. The relationship typically involves a neurotypical wife (NT) and an Asperger Husband (AS). Because neurology matters, it’s important to work with a neurodiverse counselor as they help couples using a neurological lens bringing understanding and change to the differences in the way both think and communicate. As a certified neurodiverse couples counselor, I act as translator for the behaviors of the AS partner to the NT partner and vice versa.

How Asperger’s Affect Marriages

Before I met my husband, I dated many men who claimed they held women with respect and equality when, really they bought into a system of society where males held the power and women were largely excluded from it. Feminists mainly use the term to describe the power relationship between men and women. So, more so than not, I dated a lot of narcissists and experienced a lot a drama. They can create self-doubt by playing on your insecurities and weak points. Instilling self-doubt and gaslighting (a patterned, repetitive set of manipulation tactics that makes someone question reality is abusive and certainly doesn’t feel good).

How Asperger’s Affect Marriages

I had been divorced for seven years before meeting my husband who has Asperger’s. When I met him he was very kind and generous. Unlike, narcissists, he didn’t have an agenda to control or manipulate me. He was intelligent, attractive, and seemed grounded enough as he was calm during my bouts of emotional reactivity. Because there was little drama and I was ready to remarry, I believed he would make a good partner. At the beginning he seemed social enough, although I observed some social anxiety and communication that seemed rather odd. His quiet personality was refreshing and helped me become a little more calm in stressful situations.

After ten months of dating we married. The first ten years were quite nice but were filled with confusion for me. I noticed he wasn’t as communicative, didn’t seem to desire an emotional connection, and our communication was more transactional than relational. I felt as if I was losing my sense of self. I felt lonely, angry, frustrated and depressed. Later, I came to understand my feelings stemmed from ongoing relationship trauma, also know as Cassandra Syndrome.

Aspergers, which is now referred to as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) can affect marriages in the following way:

• Personal challenges can create ongoing conflict which could lead to detachment from each other for both partners. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help address anxiety and personal challenges. Psychoactive medicines can manage anxiety, Attention deficit disorder (ADD), Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and depression. Aspergers can appear like Narcissism when in fact the bad behavior isn’t intentional.
• Social interaction is limited and can be seen as aloof, not personable, and arrogant. Social skills training classes can help with conversational skills and understanding social cues.
• Volume of voice and pitch can create miscommunication and discord. Speech therapy can help with voice control.
• Clumsiness and awkward movement can create limitations to physical activity and sex. Physical and occupational therapy can improve coordination.

Of course, this is just a few ways Asperger’s affect marriages. I know first hand how the differences of NT and AS partners can either make or break a relationship. I also know AS husbands can make good partners.  Learn more about ASD and acquire the necessary tools to keep your marriage safe from yet another divorce statistic.

Contact me via my website: CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or text me your email address for information to get started.