Are You Part Of the Statistics Of Infidelity?

Are You Part Of the Statistics Of Infidelity? San Diego’s County Fair is back in swing post COVID-19. Every year there is a theme that draws hundreds to this yearly event. In 2015 the theme was “A Fair To Remember.”  The theme for that year commemorates the celebration of world fairs and Balboa Park.  I was at the Fair for the 4th of July. Crowded, noisy, but very Americana especially when the fireworks were displayed. Whenever I see fireworks on the 4th of July I feel a sense of Nostalgia knowing people across the Country are looking up at the sky viewing similar patterns of lights and feeling a sense of pride for our Country.

Are You Part Of the Statistics Of Infidelity?

That year’s title theme reminded me of an old classic film entitled “An Affair To Remember” starring Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant. About a women and man who meet during a cruise, fall in love and plan to meet at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City taking 6 months apart to take the time to get their lives in order and end the relationships they are currently involved in so they can be together. I was thinking while standing among the crowds as lovely as that story turned out people don’t always have happy endings when it comes to their affair “lovers.”

Infidelity Statistics show from the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy dated April 8, 2015:

70% of marriages that experience affairs do NOT end in divorce. When people leave their marriage for their affair, the new relationship rarely survives (3 to 7% survive).

1.  Men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had – 57%

2.  Women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had – 54%

3.  Marriages where one or both spouses admit to either physical or emotional – 41%

Are You Part Of the Statistics Of Infidelity?

Of course, there is no excuse or justification for cheating.  As a Marriage Counselor and Affair Recovery Specialist, I recommend husbands and wives be more forthcoming with their praise for each other and tell each other how much they appreciate one another so they don’t want to look elsewhere for that validation.  Men and women get married because they want one person in the entire world to really think we’re wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing. The more we give the more we want in return.
If you’re having an affair and don’t know how to get out of it or want to stay in it and need help telling your wife/husband call me at (858) 735-1139. Or if you want to save your relationship we can certainly talk more about what you can put in place so your marriage/relationship is protected from the above statistics. Helping people who ask the question…”should I stay or should I go?”

Stop Accepting Bad Behavior

Stop Accepting Bad Behavior. My husband has a spinster aunt who drives us all nuts. She tends to control everyone and every situation. Annoying is putting it nicely. I understand she means well but doesn’t have the tools to express herself appropriately making for some very annoying situations. I was planning a birthday party for my mother-in-law and she too has an upcoming birthday within the same period of time. I sent out invitations as I was planning the event.  Unbeknownst to me she takes it upon herself to send out her own invitation to her side of the family (paternal members who reside in the midwest) and announces it is a dual celebration so as not to inconvenience any of them into making two trips to San Diego.

Stop Accepting Bad Behavior

As you can imagine when I received her invite I was not only confused but a bit perturbed. She meddles without understanding the ramifications of her behavior and doesn’t realize when she offends or hurts someone’s feelings. You would think at age 90 she would have evolved into a more age appropriate person.

Her entire family tends to ignore this bad behavior and continue to make excuses about it. This enabling doesn’t ever give the person behaving badly the opportunity to learn and get better.  It creates a lot of stress for me and my family as my husband and I do not enjoy most of their family get togethers because she is ALWAYS at them doing “her thing.”

In Marriage Counseling I help my couples acquire and implement tools to effectively communicate and assert themselves.  I use a 3-step process in which to discuss a problem or issue.

1) State your problem.

2) Discuss from the standpoint of your Functional Adult.

3) Tell the person what you want from them or how you want them to feel afterwards.

So using the 3-step process I sent her this message to bring to her attention her interference and what I wanted from her in the future.

Dear _____;

“I understand some people have a conflict with the date due to personal obligations.  I informed (my in-laws) during a family get together when they were here in San Diego that if those who couldn’t attend wanted to do an alternate birthday celebration for (my mother-in-law) they certainly were free to do that.  With your birthday a couple of months later those same people could celebrate yours then, as well.

I had no idea you wanted to combine the parties.  I don’t mind doing that.  The problem I have is that no one shared that information with me or (my husband).   (Other family members) called me this week confused and I didn’t know what to tell him.

In the future would you please communicate your thoughts and feelings to people involved in the process.  I would appreciate the consideration with a “heads up” as I am spearheading the party.  I make a living teaching people how to effectively communicate and when I am involved in matters where there is ineffective communication I become very disenchanted.  Please be mindful in the future that appropriate behavior would be appreciated.

Thank you for your time in reading this.

Take care.”

This woman did apologize for her behavior. I was happy she received the note with an open mind and hope she learned something from it. The important part to this process was I needed to let her know how I felt and she needed to know what she did was not appropriate or acceptable. Teaching people how to behave around you is crucial to your well being as it is to their learning curve to exercise better behavior.

For more information on how to become a more effective communicator please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

One Sure Thing To Prevent Affairs

One Sure Thing To Prevent Affairs. Couples go along their daily life not realizing they stopped doing what they used to do during the beginning (honeymoon stage) of their relationship. Like contacting each other throughout the day, making the effort to say something sweet or thoughtful, making sure you look especially nice or sexy for each other and taking the time to show appreciation and thankfulness through words or behavior. Displaying love and affection shows you want to be in the relationship. Men and women have different languages of love. Women feel loved when they are heard and validated. Men feel loved when they know they are being helpful and appreciated.

One Sure Thing To Prevent Affairs

No one likes to be judged or criticized. Appreciation is a way to show our partners we notice them and they are important. There are many reasons why our partners may stray from our relationships. People have affairs for many different reasons. Men tend to seek outside stimuli if they are not receiving that attention at home. Something as simple as feeling appreciated and useful can make a man feel wanted or not wanted.

One sure thing to prevent affairs would be to incorporate a thank you and a show of appreciation daily to your man. And listen, show empathy and validate your woman. Just like you give each other a kiss when you leave the house and a kiss when you return these daily rituals can help keep the bonds of fidelity in tact.

You don’t have to wait until your relationship is in dire straits as one of you is about to have an affair to appreciate one another. Showing appreciation every day can help your relationship.  Tell your partner the things that you appreciate about him and focus your comments in a way that shows you notice. Saying things like, “I really appreciate you bringing me coffee in the morning or I appreciate what a great father you are to our kids” can shift your relationship to a new path for moving forward.

In working with my Couples in Couples Counseling and Marital Therapy I stress the importance of showing appreciation and thanking each other on a daily basis so wandering eyes stay focused and the need to go elsewhere doesn’t even cross their minds.

For more information on acquiring communication and relational tools to know what to do to keep your partner happy please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

 

Steps For Moving Past An Affair

Steps For Moving Past An Affair. So your husband cheated. You found out due to discovery, not by his disclosure which makes it even worse. If you hadn’t found out would he ever have told you? Now you think you can’t ever trust him.  hings were pretty normal in your routine so you feel blindsided. For many couples an affair feels like the absolute end of the committed relationship or marriage.  And for some it is. An affair can be the end if it is used as a means to an end or the Exit Plan.  But for others, it can be the beginning of a stronger and more viable union.

Steps for moving past an affair:

1.  Feel your feelings.  You’ll experience a range of emotions – sad, angry, scared, numb.  Normalizing the emotions is a good start.

2.  Concentrate on yourself.  Especially if you were the one who got cheated on.  Think about your own needs.  Be selfish for once and treat yourself to something nice that will raise your confidence and self-esteem.  Feeling better about yourself helps while you undergo the process of healing.

3.  Exercise Empathy instead of hurrying the process of Forgiveness.  Forgiveness will come in time but the affair will never be forgotten.  With empathy, along with compassion and understanding, the memory should bring about positive change in both partners whether the decision is to stay together or move on.

4.  Go on a Date with your partner.  As the affair conversation becomes a daily part of your life, you are going to need to talk about something else.  Don’t talk about who cheated and why, or how many times.  Instead, talk about neutral topics.

5.  Work on Erotic Recovery.  This begins when you choose to begin the recovery from the affair.  Talk about what you each want in your sex life going forward.  Don’t focus on what’s not working or how you’ve been disappointed in the past.

6.  Start creating a Vision of your New Life together.  What do you want in your new life together?  That old marriage is over.  Once one of you cheated, it was the end of the vision you had of your committed, monogamous partnership.  But this marriage is yours to create and begin anew.

7.  Create a New Monogamy Agreement (The New Monogamy).  A contract created by the two of you with specific wants and don’t wants for moving forward addressing implicit and explicit expectations.

8.  Go to a Couples Counselor who specializes in Infidelity and Affair Recovery.

Many couples who come into see me for Couples Counseling find that their relationship doesn’t necessarily have to end in divorce or separation.  What they learn through the process has helped create an even stronger relationship where some couples say the affair may have been the best thing that could have happened to them.

For more information on Affair Recovery and how to move past an Infidelity please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or email me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

Would You Stay If Your Husband Cheated?

Would You Stay If Your Husband Cheated? Finding out your husband has cheated on you is about the worst pain and heartache that comes from such a betrayal. If you’ve ever been cheated on you know that feeling of devastation when you first find out as your heart starts to race, you experience difficulty in breathing, and you feel as afraid as you are angry. Your head tells you to leave but your heart tells you to stay.  Your family and friends take your side as they try to comfort you, but offer little help as they encourage you to leave as they state you can’t trust a cheater and cheaters never change. But is that always the case?

Would You Stay If Your Husband Cheated?

These days about 65% of couples stay together after an affair. That’s two-thirds of all couples who discover some form of infidelity, whether emotional or sexual. Many of those relationships not only survive but do better in the long run after affair recovery as they are forced to look at their relationship issues and move forward developing a New Monogamy or a new relationship that works better than the former. People who’ve been betrayed need to know that there’s no shame in staying in the marriage.

In my 25 + years of working with couples, I have found that couples who choose to recover from and rebuild after infidelity often end up with a stronger, more loving and mutually understanding relationship than they had previously. Three goals make staying together a possibility if both work toward creating something new between the two of them moving forward:

  1. Move toward Empathy rather than Forgiveness.
  2. Be completely honest. What do you have to lose at this point. There could be a Silver Lining, as relationship you’ve always wanted.
  3. Find a support system. A therapist who specializes in Affair Recovery and Infidelity.

Recovering from infidelity is hard work and the process cannot be rushed. Many of my clients have shared that had it not been for their husband’s affair, they’d never have looked at, discussed, and healed some of the underlying issues that were broken at the foundation of their relationship. Rather than destroying the marriage, the affair acted as a catalyst for positive changes.

For more information on how to divorce your old marriage and start anew with a relationship that is more honest and loving contact at (858) 735-1139  to start developing gaining the insight and self-awareness that will give you the capacity to change your relationship.

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