Loss Of Romantic Love

Loss Of Romantic Love. What do you do when your spouse says they don’t think they love you anymore? The dreaded “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” statement cuts like a knife. There are many reasons people fall out of romantic love. I understand the heartache and pain of having your spouse say those words because thirty-two years, after nine years of marriage, that’s exactly what my husband said to me.

I work with couples where when partner is leaning out while the other is all in. Some couples marry quite young and are not quite developmentally mature to understand what is needed to be in a healthy relationship. Did you know the human brain doesn’t even fully develop until age 25? Under most laws, young people are recognized as adults at age 18. But emerging science about brain development suggests that most people don’t reach full maturity until the age 25. Young adults couple up as early as middle and high school. In healthy relationships, a couple’s development closely parallels the stages of early childhood development originally conceptualized by Margaret Mahler and Fred Pine. Basically meaning if you don’t successful reach milestones for growing, physically, emotionally, and psychologically, you can be stuck in certain stages. You can chronologically be 50 years old and act like a 5 year old when angry and hurt.

Loss Of Romantic Love

During that period of time I was consumed with anxiety and depression. My acting out behavior included obsessing over the end result, which was to reconcile. I begged and pleaded with him to no avail.  All that mattered was what I wanted. I had little insight about my lack of empathy for my husband. Not once did I think about what the relationship was doing to him. I never asked myself what he must have been feeling to leave the way he did, so secretly. I placed all the blame on him, blinding myself to my own responsibility. It would not be until many months later, when I finally started looking at my part in the problem, that things began to change. I learned that I had to stop concentrating on him and start concentrating on myself and my behavior. I realized I depended on my husband for fulfilling all of me. Which is not only possible, and  maturationally immature.

Developing a greater sense of self enabled me to manage the codependent and self-destructive behavior I was experiencing. It all came down to trying to control things that were, and should be, outside my control. I did some individual counseling and meditated every day. I leaned into the discomfort of being alone in my home with my vulnerable feelings. I had to reconcile with the fact that individuals have their own feelings and needs and wants. I learned there our boundaries that people put in place for self-care and protection. Healthy relationships are independent people in an interdependent unions.

For more information contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

National Boss Day

National Boss Day. October 16th has been pitched as a day for employees to thank their bosses for being kind and fair throughout the year. Some have oppose the concept as nothing more than a meaningless Hallmark Holiday, as well as placing unfair pressure on employees to bow down to managers who earn more than they do, while exercising power over them. There are good bosses and there are those who are left to be desired. My boss happens to be one of the good ones.

National Boss Day

Before I started my private practice and business, I worked for individuals who should not have been in manager/supervisor roles. There were some who were competent and some who were incompetent. Whether competent or not, some also needed skills in managing their own issues/feelings to be better equipped to help their employees become more effective. Some were punitive some were fair. I appreciated those who identified and exercised appropriate behavior and had some emotional intelligence aka maturity. Where their developed sense of self was grounded enough to be fair and well mannered. That’s not always the case.

It’s not easy running a business. I had to develop a system and implement tools to enable balance in my work and personal life. As I am a counselor and coach, I must role model self care so my clients understand being a workaholic isn’t healthy or productive to self or family. Taking care of oneself is the key to developing and maintaining relationships. In my book, “Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship” I explain the concept of “me” first, and not in a selfish way.

Happy Me Happy We

As a young woman I was plagued with migraines. Anyone who has migraines would sympathize as these types of headaches make functioning impossible. Taking time off (I had accrued sick leave or personal time off), was viewed as a negative and yearly reviews always mentioned the time off. I thought these managers were heartless and showed no empathy. Throughout my days as an employee I barely came across a boss who “had it together.” I understand productivity and quotas to be met, but, I believe you can achieve those goals by being a decent human being.

Although I did not have a business degree, I was fortunate and had the wherewithal to become a business owner. Being my own boss has it’s stressors, don’t get me wrong. But at least I have control over and the ability to manage those stressors without the critical eye of someone trying to meet company needs over my own well being.

To all those who have bosses. I hope they are one of the better ones. For those who do not, I sympathize with you. To help manage stress from work and unappreciated feelings concentrate on yourself. Meaning do things that make you happy to balance the stressors of work life. I understand some have limited choices and need to make a living. Carving out time for yourself and doing what you want can make all the difference. A happier self can create opportunities for you where there are none.

If you need help with work life balance give me a call at (858) 735-1139.

Why Do Couples Fight?

Why Do Couples Fight? Fighting (relationship conflicts) can actually be healthy. Fighting demonstrates separateness and passion. I work with couples who claim they never fight and have many similarities yet do not feel the intimacy needed for that emotional connection. Over the years being polite and deferring, which I refer to as being “conflict avoidant” gets them to the state of feeling like roommates, and bad roommates at that.

In marriage, conflict is inevitable. Even the happiest couples argue. They argue over inadequate attention or affection, jealousy and infidelity, chores and responsibilities, control and dominance, future plans and money, children, in-laws, and sex to name a few.

And these arguments will continue over and over again if tools for communication aren’t acquired for being able to come to a consensus or compromise. As personal issues tend to trigger relationship issues it would be good to get yourself more grounded/(differentiated), the active ongoing process of a person being able to define their thoughts, their feelings, their wishes and their desires to one another and to be able to tolerate the partner doing the same thing. Which isn’t always easy.

differentiated couples having conversation despite conflict

Undifferentiated couple arguing shouting blaming each other of problem

When fighting fair know where your responsibility lies and try not point the finger. Your partner should do that, as well. Couples therapy pioneer, Ellen Bader, says “stay in your own skin” when managing fights. That’s basically what arguments consist of. Two perspectives trying to get one another to acknowledge the other. Both are correct but what do you do about it? Having a dialog (conversation), showing each other empathy for their feelings, and validating their point of view is the place to start. After which, a consensus or a compromise is to be executed.

Differentiated individuals are able to have such conversations. In helping people who ask the question…”should I stay or should I go?” I stress the importance of couples having the where with all to maintain their sense of self in their relationship. In relationships, the individual is independent in an interdependent union. Keeping good boundaries enables both to get their needs met and receive the harmony desired to live a happy and prosperous life together.

My book: Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In a Relationship helps you better understand about concentrating on yourself and becoming that differentiated (grounded) self.

For more information contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

Halloween With My Asperger Husband

Halloween With My Asperger Husband. Before we understood my husband was on the autism spectrum he displayed some odd behavior. During the beginning of our marriage this odd behavior was challenging in that his communication was a bit hit and miss. Because I love and care about him I just thought he was peculiar in a “geek” kind of way. He is quite cerebral so his IQ is so much higher than his EQ (emotional quotient). IQ tests measure your ability to solve problems, use logic, and grasp or communicate complex ideas. EQ is important for emotional connection because without it couples can feel like they are roommates rather than romantic partners.

Halloween With My Asperger Husband

During Halloween I noticed my husband felt comfortable in his costume of choice. It was somewhat of an alter ego where he could comfortably behave as the character he was dressed up as. Asperger’s and comorbidity of anxiety and depression can make social situations very taxing. As easy as it is for us neurotypicals to engage in conversation, asking questions of my husband is like a deer in front of headlights.  It is nerve racking and uncomfortable.

In costume my husband could feel free to express his feelings as being in character felt safer than being himself. He tends to feel awkward in most situations and appears quiet and antisocial. As a pirate he can become animated and sound like Captain Jack Sparrow of the Pirates of the Caribbean. As a cowboy from Toy Story he comes to life as Tom Hank’s character Woody. As a gangster he takes on the enigmatic persona of a powerful ladies man. I love Halloween because it gives my husband the opportunity to strut some of his emotional intelligence. And I find that very sexy.

When I need him to behave in a certain way for particular social situations I tell him to get into the Jack Sparrow character, or the cowboy Woody. When I want him to be mysterious and assertive in the romantic arena I suggest he behave like the gangsters from The Godfather. Some of you may think this is strange but it works for us. Every year we look forward to selecting new costumes and acting out the roles of each. It’s fun, but more importantly, it can be a great tool for someone on the spectrum when needing to know how to behave.

When the costumes are put away for another year they may be in storage, but are still utilized as useful tools in helping my husband not only in social situations, but, in our day to day interaction to enable us to behave in a way that makes us feel less vulnerable.

When working with neurodiverse couples I help them put a systems in place, acquire tools for communication, learn to become more relational, and continue to coach them so both get what they need and want out of their relationship.

For more information on neurodiverse couples counseling please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

 

 

Do You Know What You Want?

Do You Know What You Want? Are you good at making choices? Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you.” – John C. Maxwell. When I was sixteen years old a friend of mine and I went shopping for shoes. We didn’t come from rich families so deciding what to purchase was very important because I wanted something practical yet pretty. The shoe salesperson brought out several pairs in my size and I made a decision rather quickly. My girlfriend said, “gee you picked them out rather quickly.” And I replied, “that’s because I know what I want.” When it comes to relationships I wasn’t that quick to making good decisions.

 

Do You Know What You Want?

Do you know what you want? Often when I ask my clients what they want, they say they don’t know. I’m not surprised to hear this. I’ve been in their shoes, thinking the same way. Concentrating on yourself develops your sense of “me.” Without a good sense of “me” you may not ab able to find the “we” that best suits you. The world is full of all kinds of people we can love, but not all align well with your “me.”

Do You Know What You Want?

I am working with Sally in affair recovery. She wants her relationship to become as stable as needed to get what she wants long term, which is a reconciliation and remarriage. This requires Sally to concentrate on herself as her personal issues affected her relationship hence making for some bad choices. She continues to focus and obsess over what she wants and isn’t showing her husband the empathy needed for him to regain trust in her for moving forward. It’s good Sally knows what she wants but needs to stop focusing on the end result. Focusing on the end result shows self centeredness, typical in affairs, rather than showing that her husband has his own process and choices to make. When you concentrate on what you need to do and not so much on what you want others to do you may or may not get your end result. When individuals within the relationship do their own work in counseling sometimes the end result can be in choosing to not reunite. Putting the carriage before the horse isn’t the appropriate route to take.

Buying a pair of shoes is much different from choosing the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Choices are empowering, both in your general life and within your relationships. That’s why it’s so important to know how to choose as well as what to choose, so that the choices you make create better outcomes for you. In my book, Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship

For more information please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com