Holidays

How I Survive the Holidays in a Neurodiverse Marriage

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How I Survive the Holidays in a Neurodiverse Marriage. The holidays have always been tricky in my marriage. My husband has ASD, and what feels “normal” to others—a crowded dinner, long family visits, bright lights, constant chatter—can be completely overwhelming for him. Early on, I often felt drained, frustrated, and worried we were missing out on what should be joyful moments. Over the years, we’ve developed strategies that help us navigate the season together.

How I Survive the Holidays in a Neurodiverse Marriage

One of the first things I learned was the importance of planning ahead. We talk through every holiday event well in advance: who we’ll see, how long we’ll stay, and what might feel too much. This simple step prevents last-minute stress and misunderstandings.

I also became aware of sensory triggers. Crowded rooms, loud music, and glittering decorations that everyone else loves can be overwhelming. Now, we carve out quiet moments—sometimes stepping outside for a few minutes, sometimes retreating to a calm corner. These small breaks make a huge difference.

Saying “no” became a tool of self-preservation. I used to feel guilty skipping gatherings, but now we prioritize events that truly matter to us and give ourselves permission to skip the rest. It saves our energy and preserves our connection.

We use signals and scripts too. A gentle tap on the wrist can mean “I need a break,” and a simple phrase helps explain boundaries politely to relatives. These small tools prevent tension and misunderstandings.

How I Survive the Holidays in a Neurodiverse Marriage

Most importantly, we rely on the Check-In Tool from my book, The Happy Neurodiverse Marriage. During gatherings, we pause for a quick check-in: sharing how we feel, what we need, and what’s working (or not). It’s a simple but powerful way to prevent small frustrations from turning into big conflicts and to stay emotionally connected even in stressful moments.

Finally, I remind myself: it’s okay if things don’t go perfectly. Connection matters more than perfection. With patience, communication, and the Check-In Tool, we’ve learned to celebrate the holidays in a way that honors both of our needs—and sometimes, we even manage to enjoy them.

It doesn’t have to be perfect. Good enough is what I strive for. Text me your email address for more information about my services and fees. (858) 735-1139

Why Holidays Are Especially Hard in Neurodiverse Marriages

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Why Holidays Are Especially Hard in Neurodiverse Marriages. The holiday season is often associated with joy, connection, and family traditions. However, for many couples in neurodiverse marriages, the holidays can be one of the most stressful times of the year. When one partner is autistic (or otherwise neurodivergent) and the other is neurotypical, differences in communication, emotional expression, and sensory needs can feel amplified during this season.

Portrait of displeased couple at Christmas

Holiday Stress and Neurodiverse Relationships

Holidays are filled with unspoken expectations—family gatherings, social events, travel, noise, and disruptions to routine. For an autistic spouse, these changes can cause sensory overload, fatigue, and withdrawal. For the neurotypical partner, this can feel like emotional distance, lack of engagement, or disappointment during a time that is supposed to feel special.

As a marriage and family therapist specializing in neurodiverse couples, and as someone married to a husband with ASD, I understand these challenges both professionally and personally. The holidays don’t create problems in neurodiverse marriages—they magnify existing differences.

Common Holiday Challenges in Neurodiverse Marriages

Many couples experience:

  • Increased conflict due to stress and exhaustion

  • Misaligned expectations about family time and traditions

  • Emotional disconnect during holidays

  • Sensory overwhelm related to noise, crowds, and travel

  • Difficulty with flexibility and last-minute changes

These struggles are common and do not mean your marriage is failing. They mean your relationship needs tools designed for neurodiversity.

Tools for Navigating Holidays in a Neurodiverse Marriage

In my book, The Happy Neurodiverse Marriage: Six Tools for Communication and Emotional Connection With Your Asperger Husband, I share practical strategies that help couples improve communication, manage expectations, and strengthen emotional connection—especially during high-stress seasons like the holidays.

With the right support, neurodiverse couples can move from simply surviving the holidays to creating calmer, more intentional experiences together.

Support for Neurodiverse Couples

If you are struggling during the holidays in a neurodiverse marriage, you are not alone—and help is available.

To learn more about coaching for neurodiverse couples, visit CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or text me your email address for information about my services and fees.

(858) 735-1139

The Holidays and Neurodiverse Marriages: Staying Connected When It’s Hardest

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The Holidays and Neurodiverse Marriages: Staying Connected When It’s Hardest. The holidays are often described as “the most wonderful time of the year.” For many neurodiverse couples, they can also be the most overwhelming.  Even after 27 years of marriage, I can still get pretty emotionally charged when I feel disconnected from my ASD husband. The Holidays can present as a major disconnection between us because of implicit and explicit expectations.

As both a marriage and family therapist and certified neurodiverse couples counselor/coach—and a wife to a husband with ASD—I know this season well from the inside out. The extra social demands, disruptions to routine, sensory overload, financial pressure, and heightened emotional expectations can strain even the strongest relationships. In neurodiverse marriages, these stressors often magnify differences in communication styles, emotional processing, and energy levels.

One partner may long for connection, traditions, and togetherness. The other may feel flooded, exhausted, or shut down. Neither is wrong—but without tools, these differences can easily turn into misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and disconnection.

This is where intentional tools matter.

Neurodiverse marriages don’t thrive on guesswork or hoping things will “just work out.” They thrive on clear, compassionate structures that support both partners. Tools such as structured check-ins, emotional translation, shared language for feelings, and scheduled connection create safety and predictability—especially during high-stress seasons like the holidays.

Just as important, tools help with repair. Every couple missteps. What makes the difference is knowing how to come back together afterward. Repair restores trust, reduces resentment, and reminds both partners that they are on the same team.

In my book, The Happy Neurodiverse Marriage: Six Tools for Communication and Emotional Connection With Your Asperger Husband, I outline practical, real-life tools designed to help couples build connection and navigate challenges—during the holidays and all year long.

If the holidays feel heavy in your neurodiverse marriage, you are not alone—and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.

To learn more, visit CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or text me your email address for information about my services and fees at (858) 735-1139. Connection is possible—even during the most stressful seasons.

Couples and Valentine’s Day What To Do And What Not To Do

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Couples and Valentine’s Day: What to Do & What Not to Do

Valentine’s Day is a time to express love and appreciation for your partner. However, unmet expectations often lead to disappointment. Here’s how to avoid common pitfalls and make the day enjoyable for both of you. Tips for a stress free Valentine’s Day.

Couples and Valentine’s Day What To Do And What Not To Do

What Not to Do:

  1. Ignoring the Day
    Acknowledge Valentine’s Day. Even a simple gesture shows appreciation and prevents your partner from feeling left out.

  2. Failing to Plan
    Don’t assume you can just show up at a restaurant—make a reservation. It’s one of the busiest nights of the year, and poor planning can lead to frustration.

  3. Overbooking Your Day
    Keep your schedule clear. Even a short delay at work can throw off your evening and create unnecessary tension.

  4. Skipping the Gift Discussion
    If you’re in a new relationship, talk about gift expectations. This avoids awkwardness if one person goes all out while the other keeps it simple.

  5. Buying into Commercial Pressure
    Love isn’t about expensive gifts. A meaningful experience, thoughtful words, and quality time matter more than flashy purchases.

What to Do:

  • Show appreciation in a way that feels meaningful to your partner.
  • Plan ahead to ensure a smooth and enjoyable evening.
  • Communicate expectations to prevent misunderstandings.
  • Remember, love and romance should be celebrated all year long.

For more relationship insights, text me your email address at (858) 735-1139.

Alone On Valentine’s Day

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Alone on Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is among us. Scary words when you’re single. Everywhere you go there are red and pink heart displays. Chocolate and champagne offerings are abundantly brought to our attention to act as aphrodisiacs to romantic interests. But what if you don’t have that special someone to lavish hearts and flowers to. I used to host a dinner party for my single friends and family members and called it the “Lonely Hearts Club.” I looked forward to every year where I treated these special guests to a Valentine’s Day evening with good food and company. If you don’t have a Lonely Hearts Club I recommend doing some fun things to make this Valentine’s Day a self care day.

Alone On Valentine’s Day

“Be My Valentine” recommendations for those alone on Valentine’s Day:

  • Pamper yourself.  Rather than wait for someone else to give some loving attention to your body, mind and soul treat yourself to a nice hot sensual bath with lavender oils and scents. Make the mood right by lighting up allot of candles and playing spa music to relax by. Afterwards order a great meal and have it delivered. Enjoy eating your own box of chocolates or favorite dessert while watching a movie you’ve always wanted to see and never made the time to see it.
  • Send yourself flowers. Flowers make you feel happy and add beauty to your environment. Sending flowers to yourself tells you that you love yourself and don’t have to wait for someone else to show you this kind of care.
  • Wear something Red or Pink and play Cupid around the office passing out candy and handing out Compliments.

  • Drink Champagne, Sparkling Cider, or even soda pop in a champagne flute.
  • Do a nice thing for a couple who has children and babysit for them so they can go out and enjoy an evening together to celebrate Valentine’s Day. It’s good Karma and you might get an appreciation for the single life after a night with kids.
  • Celebrate your Independence. You won’t always be accountable for yourself when you have other people you will be responsible for. Enjoy this time where you concentrate on yourself being able to sleep until whenever you want, eat whenever you please and decide whatever it is you want to do.
  • Ask a Friend out for a Platonic Date and split the meal check at a special restaurant. Check out all the couples around the restaurant and guess which ones will stay together based on their body language.
  • Lastly, indulge in a decadent dessert.…you deserve it!

When working with individuals who suffer from depression a coping skill is doing something nice for someone else. Whatever holiday it is do something that makes you feel happy.

Happy Me Happy We The mindset of a happy “me” makes for a happy “we” creates the space for someone to come into your life so Valentine’s Day for the rest of your life can be filled with the one you love. But more importantly, it is a day to love yourself.