What Husbands Want Wives To Know About Sex

What Husbands Want Wives To Know About Sex.  Ladies, men want you to know they don’t always want sex.  As a  Marriage Counselor, I listen to wives say their husbands “always” want “it.”  The main reason problems arise in a couple’s sex life is due to lack of communication and understanding.  Each has their own perspectives about sex.  Finding and understanding those differences is the first step to achieving and maintaining a passionate, healthy, and incredibly fulfilling sex life.  What your husbands really want you to know is that sex means something to them just like sex means something to you.  Often times it’s “I just want you to want me”.

What Husbands Want Wives To Know About Sex

I want to share this piece of information from Mission:Wife as it includes a lot of what husbands in my practice talk about and want their wives to understand.  It articulates some of their thoughts and can be helpful in putting in perspective what sex means to them and why women experience these behaviors.

As a Marriage Counselor, I help women understand if they can make it a priority to do some of the points below their husbands will be willing to do more of what they ask of them and want to be there for them emotionally, be communicative, and will feel closer to them.  I think #5 is something most wives don’t realize.

What Husbands Want Wives To Know About Sex

  1.  Sex is not optional in his mind To a husband, sex is about right up there on the list with eating and breathing. Can he survive without it? Yes, but why should he? Sex is to the man, what talking/communication is to the woman. If you would ask several wives if it would be ok if their husband didn’t listen or communicate with them for weeks at a time you obviously wouldn’t like that. Frequent sex = happy, attentive, listening, cuddling, caring, talking husband.
  2. Husbands use sex to reconnectThink of it this way: Let’s use the example of a cordless phone (bear with me here). Let’s say the husband is the cordless handset, and the wife is the base. The handset may hold a charge for a while off the base, maybe even for a couple of days. But sooner or later, the handset is going to have to be recharged/reconnected to the base to keep the battery charged, the programming updated, and the phone usable. When your husband comes home from a long day at work, and the first thing on his mind is sex, it’s not that he’s some sort of sex addict, it’s just him longing to “return to his base” and reconnect with his wife in an “I’ve had a long day, and I need assurance that no matter how hard life gets, you and I are ok” way.
  3. He doesn’t always want to be the one asking Most husbands are fine with being the “sexual aggressor” most of the time, but if he is ALWAYS the one that is trying to start something, he starts to feel like you just “put up with him”, and don’t really care about sex. Every husband’s fantasy is to be sitting there on the couch, watching TV or whatever, and have his wife come over out of nowhere (obviously the kids aren’t around), straddle him, and start going at it. He wants to know that his wife DESIRES him sexually, not just PUTS UP WITH HIM sexually.This is a huge boost to his self-esteem and overall confidence.
  4. He thinks you’re GORGEOUS, and you can’t change that – It doesn’t matter how you feel about that leftover baby fat, or how you cringe when you look in the mirror and see those stretch marks – your husband couldn’t care less! He thinks you’re the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth, and even when he tells you this, you dismiss it and say stuff like “thanks, hon, but I don’t think so”, or “well, you may feel that way, but nobody else does”. Please don’t do this! Your husband isn’t giving you lip service by telling you he thinks your body is amazing – he truly thinks it is! You have to learn to accept the compliment as being honest and say thank you, instead of trying to play it off.
  5. 5. Sometimes he just wants to look at you NAKED I can already see you rolling your eyes, but hear me out. If your husband is working hard to avert his eyes from every other sexual source besides his wife, not viewing any porn, not checking out the girl on the billboard, etc – he has a God-given need/desire/appetite to admire his wife’s naked body. I know this may seem strange to you, but it’s true. So, when you’re getting dressed in the morning, or ready for bed at night, don’t try to position yourself so he can’t see those parts of you. It’s ok! He’s not going to attack you and want to have sex (as long as you have a regular sex life), he just wants to appreciate your beauty for a little bit! Remember, you are his only sexual source! Wouldn’t you rather have him looking at you than some billboard model? I’ve heard a lot of wives say that they are scared if they allow their husbands to see them nude, they will want to have sex right that minute. If it’s been a week since you’ve made love, this may be true, but if you have sex regularly, sometimes it’s nice for him to just be able to admire what he thinks is the most amazing body he has ever seen. So linger a little while when you bend over to pick up your socks off the floor or let your robe “accidentally” fall open a little when he walks by. Not only will he love it, but you just might find yourself thinking about sex a little more during the day, leading to a greater chance of you desiring intimacy later that night.
  6. He loves it when you surprise him By this I mean do something totally out of the ordinary, just for his benefit, and to see the look on his face. A few examples would be: Going out to dinner, and while you’re waiting for the waitress to seat you, lean over and whisper in his ear “You won’t have to take my panties off later when we get home because I’m not wearing any”. Or after the kids go to bed and you’re going to curl up and watch a movie together, go into your room to “get your PJ’s on” and come back out with no top on, telling him you’re going to need his help keeping warm, because somebody told you it was“topless movie night”. Once you pick his jaw up off the floor, you might just find he isn’t paying much attention to the movie anymore. Another one would be to surprise him when he is taking a shower by jumping in the shower with him that “you’re having a hard time using your hands this morning, so he is going to have to help soap you up today.” I’ve heard several wives say that they love to see the look on their husband’s face when they surprise him like that. You’ll have your husband wondering what’s gotten into you!
  7. If you have to say “no” to sex, watch how you say it I know it seems silly, but you have no idea how hard it is sometimes, for a man to get up the nerve to ask his wife if she wants to have sex. Usually he will try to “test the waters” first, by hinting at it, or maybe a little grab here and there, to see how you’ll respond. All this time there is a little argument going on in his head sounding something like this – “Just ask her! No, last time I asked her flat-out, she rolled her eyes and said something about that’s all I think about. Yeah, but this time it might work. Come on, I really want to make love. Can’t she see that? Maybe I’ll ask her later after dinner. Yeah, I’ll help with the kids and the dishes, and then ask later. (fast forward to 7pm) Ok, see, I got the dishes done, maybe I should hint at it now. Nah, I’ll wait until the kids go to bed. As soon as the kids go to bed, she’ll be able to think about me. She has to know it’s been a couple of days, I’m sure she’ll be ok with it. Right? (The kids go to bed) Ok, I think I’ll ask now! Wait, she looks like she’s got something going there on the computer, I’ll give her some time to get that done. I’ll just ask her when we go to bed, it will be more of a sure bet then anyway. (10pm rolls around, and they’re crawling into bed) Ok, I’m going to ask! “hey hon, do you want to make love?” This is how it goes in a guy’s head when he’s thinking about asking for sex. Why? Because guys have this strange tendency to make sexual rejection (even with a good reason), a personal rejection. Since the need for regular sex with his wife is so much a part of who he is, any rejection, feels like a rejection of HIM to your husband. I know this is hard to understand, and wives don’t mean it that way, but this goes for almost every husband I have ever talked to. Now obviously there are times when you are going to have to say “not tonight hon”, but the key is HOW YOU SAY IT. Don’t do it in a nonchalant or dismissing way. Remember, he has been working up the nerve to ask you for the past several hours most times. When you deny him, say something like this – “Hon, I love to have sex with you, but I just can’t do it tonight because (fill in the blank)” Then if he’s really pent-up, you could offer to help him out in another way besides intercourse, or give him a realistic date to “get a rain check”, like tomorrow morning, or the next evening. That way he feels like you understand he has a legitimate need, he feels like you care, and he feels like you want to help him as soon as possible. You’re still saying “not tonight”, but he doesn’t feel like you don’t care, you’re just blowing him off, or that you think sex is not important. One other thing – sometimes if your husband has been thinking about you all day, and then for whatever reason, you have to turn him down that night, he may feel like he “can’t wait” until tomorrow (no fault of yours , sometimes it’s just hard to turn it off, after it’s on). If you roll over and offer him your help to get a quick release before you go to sleep, he will sleep much better, and you’ll be a hero in your husband’s eyes. You just showed him that you care, even if you can’t offer him sex right now. I can’t understate how much this will mean to him.
  8. He LOVES to see you turned onThere is nothing quite as sexy to a husband, as seeing his wife thoroughly turned on, and enjoying sex. In the same way, there’s nothing quite as discouraging to a husband, as you lay there with an almost bored look on your face, and with the attitude of “would you just get it over with please, so I can go to sleep”. To your husband, his ability to arouse, stimulate, tease, drive you crazy with desire, and help you climax, is a huge part of what he feels his “worth” is as a husband. If he feels like he is failing in bed, he is going to be discouraged in other areas of life too. In contrast, if he feels his wife thinks he’s amazing in the bedroom, he is going to be much more confident and have a “I can conquer the world” attitude. You can help this by showing and telling him (not in a faking it way) how much he turns you on or makes you feel good, as you’re making love. Obviously, he’s not going to do everything right, but make sure you let him know when he DOES hit the right spot or do something you find particularly hot. Now I’ve heard wives ask the question “but what about the times that I’m not really into it, but am doing it because I love my husband, and know he needs it tonight?” Husbands understand you’re not going to have the same drive for sex that he has every time. He gets that. All he’s hoping for when this is the case, and you’re just giving him a “quickie” for release, is to not make him feel like he’s annoying for wanting it, or that he’s interrupting your day and you have so many other things you could be doing. He needs to feel accepted by you, even when you’re not particularly into it this time. Smile and give him that “come here baby, I know you need it and I’m here for you” attitude. Whispering a little encouragement in his ear in the process is a huge bonus too.
  9. Be a student of your husband but the same goes for you wives. Learn and observe what your husband likes in the bedroom. What color of panties/bra does he like best on you? What parts of your body drive him most wild? What turns him on the most? What turns him off? Does he like it when you express yourself loudly when you have sex? What is his favorite position/location? A wife who is willing to learn the ins and outs of what her husband likes most when it comes to sex will have one of the happiest husbands on earth.

Lastly, he loves it when you sexually flirt with him.  Whether it’s the “for his eyes only” text you send him during the workday, suggesting what you’re going to do later, or the surprise little “grab” you give him when he’s helping you dry the dishes after dinner, flirting with your husband this way lets him know you desire him and are thinking about the next time you are going to be together. Little things like wearing cute panties, or a skirt (there’s something about a skirt that drives most husbands wild) with some sexy underwear underneath, go a long way in letting your husband know that you love being his only source of sexual attention, and get a kick out of keeping him guessing with what you’re going to come up with next.  It’s easy to go into “mommy mode” and just wear what’s comfortable and practical, but remember, it drives your husband wild if you give him a little “eye candy” when possible.

For more information please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

What Stage Is Infidelity At High Risk?

What Stage Is Infidelity At High Risk? Seems it doesn’t matter if it’s been two, four, or seven years; more studies are finding that whatever year mile marker you’re in can place their toll on a marriage. Whatever recent statistic you choose to accept couples tend to head for divorce after certain periods of their married life. Whether it’s after the two year mark, the four or five year mark, or that infamous 7-year mark – more than double the number are divorced after they meet their relationship peak for whatever their reasons. This period of time is comically referred to as the seven-year itch.  There are Four Phases couples go through in relationships. There is the Honeymoon Stage, the Conflict Stage, the Stability Stage.


What Stage Is Infidelity At High Risk?

1.  The Honeymoon Stage is where you feel the most in love. For most couples, the beginning of a relationship is the easiest. Some say it’s like a drug addiction.  This is where you feel the most chemistry. You seem to be on the same page about most issues. Getting along is almost effortless. Some couples describe this as a merging of two people.  The Honeymoon phase typically last about eighteen months to 2 years.  Part of the thrill of falling in love is due to the fact that you see only the best in your partner.

2.  The Conflict Stage – As time goes on, each partner realizes that everything really isn’t perfect. This is the Conflict Stage where power struggles emerge. It is typically around the 3rd or 4th year as each look at their differences and respond to them where they either predict a happy relationship or continuing struggles. This is the stage where most couples break up or survive.

This is where Couples Counseling comes in. Marital discord peaks around the 4th year and then starts to taper off.  This period of time may be a combination of dwindling sexual chemistry and adjusting to each other’s idiosyncrasies.  The early years of marriage are when you replace the illusions with reality.  The “good behavior” put on at the beginning of the relationship is now normalized by being “just you” which could include being messy, displaying short temper, and not being as romantic as before.

3.  The Stability Stage is when conflict resolution and coping skills are learned and both have clear boundaries about each other.  The relationship is more balanced and both partner’s are usually getting their needs met and are fairly happy. There is commitment to the relationship for growing old together. This is where the couple chooses each other consciously deciding they want a future together and whether have children by co-creating or blending families from previous relationships and making a stronger commitment for longevity in their union.


What Stage Is Infidelity At High Risk?

As couples move through these phases over years and decades, life happens. As wonderful as it is to have children, most couples experience a sharp decline in their marital satisfaction during that time. If we live long enough, we’ll lose jobs, face significant set-backs, and dear friends and family will pass on. Our partners will inevitably disappoint and hurt us.

The marker of a good marriage isn’t whether or not the dark times will come (they most certainly will), it’s whether or not the dark times will permanently damage the relationship or whether they’re used to eventually create an even deeper level of commitment, intimacy, and sense of shared purpose.

People often confuse the rush of excitement and infatuation that characterizes the start of a relationship with true love. They are then disappointed when this rush fades and they encounter serious challenges in the relationship. These challenges, though, can be a doorway into deeper and more satisfying phases of the relationship.

Call me for more information about infidelity and affair recovery.

Getting The Relationship You Want

Getting The Relationship You Want. Knowing What You Want Gets You The Relationship Of Your Dreams. Becoming The Right Person Gets You The Right Person. I’ve been working with this young women who is an attorney, on and off for a little over five years. She had been married for three months. Her husband left her a week after their wedding. Needless to say, she was blindsided. Confused and disheartened she started the process of understanding what she needed to do and how to do it. Being young and in love, she wanted to save her marriage. Her husband, a nice enough fellow, eventually came into counseling and the three of us talked about what they wanted from each other to reconcile. Neither one of them had ill intentions. A substantial amount of time went by and they chose to move forward developing a relationship they thought would work for them. After a trying couple of years they were not able to meet each other’s needs and separated. My client went through many changes, personal and professional. She learned about herself while dating where that process proved to be quite challenging as it is difficult to find the right person. She learned to be strong and more assertive. After months of unsuccessful dating she decided to concentrate on what made her happy and did things she was interested in.

Getting The Relationship You Want

As she developed a greater sense of self she became more grounded and was able to set clear boundaries and limits to manage any codependency behavior. She met and fell in love with a man and is creating a life with him. She shares her insight about her new relationship:

“Being in a conscious and non-co-dependent relationship with an actual mature adult man is fucking challenging. I’ve realized there was a really good reason why in the past, I was unable to find the type of love I desired, with the type of man I desired… it’s simply because I wasn’t fucking ready for it. Being committed to someone who is really, truly invested in ME and my growth as well as his own… in building a solid, functional and fun relationship with me… in dreaming and planning with me around houses, children, businesses, vacations… and in co-creating a magical life on this earth together… is not for the faint of heart. It has required me to expand my capacity to give and receive love… to take radical responsibility for my bullshit, stories, triggers, actions, and reactions… to up-level my communication skills which were nowhere near as good as I thought… and to take a good, hard look in the mirror at the dark, scary parts of me and the parts of me that need to shift in order to be my best self, and then take actions to address those parts. At times, it’s felt painful, gut-wrenching, devastating… and IT IS SO WORTH IT. I am loved, held, seen, heard, understood, cherished, provided for, and protected by a man who knows who he is, what he’s about, and what he stands for and against… a man who knows what and who he wants in his life and acts accordingly… who communicates his needs, wants, and feelings honestly, clearly, and frequently… who puts in consistent effort to understand and support my needs, wants, and feelings to the extent he is able… and oh yeah, who calls my dog “the love of his life”. 🥰😂 Need I say more?! Like, seriously… I am so beyond blessed.” – Chelsea Y.

Getting The Relationship You Want

Happy Me Happy We

As a marriage and family therapist, I help women understand their needs are just as important as their counterpart. Developing and maintaining a healthy sense manages those codependent behaviors. In my book,”Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship” lays out the process of individuation and differentiation. Which basically means becoming the individual you are to become and becoming more different from all your relationships.

My client did just that. She has become more confident, self-assured, and assertive. She understands we all have the right to ask for what we need and want. We may not always get what we ask for, but, being able to ask is empowering. Knowing what she wanted for herself made selecting the appropriate life partner more than just a possibility….it’s a reality.

Whether you’re looking to find the right partner or trying to improve a relationship that is not working for you you need to know what you want for yourself before anything else. Contact me at (858) 735-1139 or through my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com for more information.

Do You Suffer From Cassandra Syndrome?

Do You Suffer From Cassandra Syndrome? Cassandra Syndrome is what a woman experiences after years of being married to a man with Asperger’s. Women I see are desperate to feel a connection of some type within their marriages. Some couples have been married for years before they come across a possible Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) aka Asperger’s (AS). The term Cassandra comes from Greek mythology; Apollo gives Cassandra the gift of prophecy; the ability to foresee the future. Cassandra Syndrome is also referred to as Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome or Affective Deprivation Disorder and abbreviated as CADD, OTRS or AfDD. Cassandra is a debilitating condition that can lead to physical and psychological problems if not managed experiencing distress as a result of their emotional needs not being recognized, or met by their AS (autistic) partner.

Do You Suffer From Cassandra Syndrome?

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and woman married to an Asperger husband, I suffered for 13 out of the 23 years of my marriage. The past ten years have been filled with hope and appreciation for one another as we acquired the tools necessary to become more relational. As traditional marriage counseling does not work, I became certified as a Neurodiverse Couples Counselor by the Autism/Asperger Network (AANE) to help Neurodiverse Couples get the help they need to make their marriages work. Cassandra tends to have a negative and blaming connotation to the Asperger husband. Asperger husbands don’t give their wives Cassandra symptoms, the symptoms manifest due to the lack connectedness between the couple. It is usually both a blessing and a relief when the wife (neurotypical spouse) learns about AS and feels she now has an explanation for her husband’s unusual behaviors. Asperger husbands also have feelings about their relationships. That’s for another article.

You may suffer from Cassandra if you:

  • Feel lonely in your marriage
  • Are frustrated, resentful, angry; feel guilt
  • Doing all the work in the relationship
  • Are self-medicating with alcohol
  • Are not sleeping well
  • Act out your emotions inappropriately looking like you’re a crazy person
  • Feel like you’re going crazy
  • Are eating too much or too little (weight changes)
  • Are always yelling at your husband and other family members
  • Have a loss of libido (sex drive)
  • Are Moody
  • Experiencing a lot more premenstrual tension
  • low self-esteem
  • Are having social problems
  • Experiencing incredible fatigue
  • Experiencing high level of anxiety
  • Depressed
  • Losing your sense of self (self identity)

Do You Suffer From Cassandra Syndrome?

For years I thought I was losing my mind, as well as my sense of self. I kept telling myself I was a licensed clinician trained to study human behavior and interpersonal relationships. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I started to see couples in my practice suffering from the same disconnectedness. I had empathy, as well as compassion for the “Neurotypical” wife. I related to what these women were saying. I read all I could read about Asperger’s and Asperger’s and relationships. I consulted with experts in the field in the United States and in England and finally came to the conclusion that my husband was on the Spectrum. We consulted with a psychologist who worked with Autistic individuals, but didn’t have the expertise in working with Neurodiverse Couples. We were frustrated for our relationship and disappointed realizing we were spending hundreds of dollars on marriage counseling that wasn’t working.

The most important indicator for success in neurodiverse couples is for the wife to be able to manage her emotions while the Asperger husband acquires tools to learn how to communicate with her in her language of neurodiversity. When the couple becomes stable enough to be able to initiate conversation, share thoughts and feelings, and ask for what is needed and wanted, can they move forward harmoniously.

I love my husband I wanted to help our relationship not only become relational and functional. I wanted it to thrive. As a Neurodiverse Couples Counselor, I work with couples all over the world to acquire tools needed for communication, put a system in place to implement, and get traction on becoming more relational. I coach to maintain stability. I use the tools I give out and can say the past 13 years have been successful….even thriving.

For more information about Cassandra Syndrome and neurodiverse couples counseling please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com




Life Isn’t A Disney Animated Film

Life Isn’t A Disney Animated Film. If you know anything about patriarchy and gender roles you may have the understanding that men are suppose to do one thing and women are suppose to do another as it pertains to their gender. Some of you behave according to how you were socialized. If that’s working for you, more power to you. If not, you may want to change your thinking about what those fairy tales are telling you. Happily ever after isn’t always the reality. Patriarchy is a system of society or government in which the father or eldest male is head of the family and descent is traced through the male line where women are largely excluded from it. My naive young self thought there was a prince out there for every gal who felt like a princess. Let’s face it, some little girls did feel like princesses as they had adorning fathers.

Life Isn’t A Disney Animated Film

As modern marriages continue to undergo a revolution people want more from their relationships.Women want more emotional closeness than what many men have been raised to give. The lack of relational skills leave both sexes feeling frustrated and unheard. Tools from the twentieth century are no longer effective in the twenty-first-century.

While entering the twenty-first-century, Baby Boomers are wanting more of what the Millennials are requiring in their relationships. They no longer adhere to the code of patriarchy. Both sexes are equal, gender roles are what they determine it to be, and emotional intimacy is expected. Just as women expect to become professionals with higher degrees men can choose to be “stay at home” parents. As a Marriage Counselor who works specifically with couples, I find this refreshing and empowering.

As fun as it was to watch the older Disney movies where the hero rescues the damsel in distress, as a little girl that’s what I thought life was all about. The guy saves the gal from whatever is ailing the gal. It apparently sent the wrong message as many couples I see as a Marriage Counselor are not in healthy and happy relationships. Their happily ever after stopped after the expensive wedding and party they put together.

There’s a lot of work to a good relationship. Happily ever after is an ongoing process where both parties have to put in that hard work. Being able to communicate and initiate conversation, share thoughts and feeling, asking for what you need and want, and being able to have some good conflict resolution skills to just that.