Dumped The Week Before Christmas

Dumped The Week Before Christmas. My Husband Left Me The Week Before Christmas. Talk about a hurt ego. I got married after I finished college. That was what I was supposed to do. I did the first-marriage route with all its trials and tribulations and had a beautiful daughter, which made all of it worth the journey. But unbeknownst to me at the time, I had married for the wrong reasons. My lack of a well developed sense of self made me an unhappy person. I believed my “wonderful” life was a facade for how it was “suppose” to look overlooking the feelings of my discontent. That discontent made me behave in ways that were not always appropriate, and often, unkind toward my first husband. My husband left me the week before Christmas because I was controlling and made everything into a power struggle. In December 1986 I had given my husband a 30th birthday party at one of San Diego’s finest hotels. A week later, I was blindsided, as I came home to a note on the garage door stating he was leaving me and needed space. I acted out my emotions of feeling abandoned, hurt, scared, and fear of loss of control. This very challenging situation was the impetus for making life changes. It was the worst time of my life but doing the work in counseling gave me a silver lining that changed the course of that life.

Dumped The Week Before Christmas

After months of therapy and self reflection, I realized I wanted to reconcile and try to move forward taking responsibility for my part in our relationship. In winning my husband back, I thought if I identified and exercised appropriate and more loving behavior, I would have the successful marriage I wanted.

Nine years later I was divorced and in the trenches of regaining and reestablishing the life I wanted.

Throughout that reconciliation I realized I never had the intimacy I needed for an emotional connection where I was vulnerable enough to ask for what I need and want, and share my thoughts and feelings. My “tough guy” attitude plus my husband’s narcissistic traits made for a poor prognosis for happily ever after. Happily ever after starts with a well developed sense of self.

With years of gathering information and getting the insight I needed I understand that a happy me makes for a happy we. In relationships we are individuals first. When two individuals come together they are independent in an interdependent relationship. Having a strong sense of self helps keep the boundaries in check as individual issues affect relationship issues. If the individual is happy (me), then the relationship benefits (we).

Happy Me Happy We

My book, Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In a Relationship helps individuals understand what they want and how to get it. Often when I ask my clients what they want, they say they don’t know. I’m not surprised to hear this. I’ve been in their shoes, thinking the same way. By using the six steps, you will find your me–first, before all else–so you don’t jump into finding we before you are ready. These steps empower you to understand what you need and go get it.

A healthy relationship can be yours. Bad relationships can transition into good relationships with the understanding that a Happy Me is a Happy We. I look for silver linings as reframing challenging situations is empowering.

For more information please contact at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com of call at (858) 735-1139

My Husband Left Me The Week Before Christmas

 

Couples Surviving The Holiday Blues

Couples Surviving The Holiday Blues. What To Do For Those Holiday Blues. We just got done with Thanksgiving and Christmas is just around the corner. Before you know it we’ll be ringing in the New Year. Depending on how you weathered through Thanksgiving, Christmas may or may not be something to look forward to. For most people, this time of year is filled with fun and excitement and for others, it’s a time of loneliness and depression, filled with days of obligation, guilt, and doing things you really don’t want to do. Part of what happens during the holiday season is we undergo challenges with situations that create a range of emotions due to various stressors. Over drinking, overeating, and fatigue may also cause it. The demands of the season include shopping, cooking, travel, house guests, family get-togethers, office parties, more shopping, and extra financial burden. Then there is isolation when your support system is limited.

Couples Surviving The Holiday Blues

As a Marriage Counselor in Couples Counseling, I help individuals and couples get perspective on how to manage these stressors and how to cope with the overload. By implementing some of the following tips the Holiday Blues can be managed in ways that can keep you sane. 

  • Be reasonable with your schedule. Don’t overbook yourself into a state of exhaustion–this makes people cranky, irritable, and depressed.
  • Prioritize and Organize your time.
  • Remember no matter what your plans, the holidays do not automatically take away feelings of being alone, sadness, frustration, anger, and fear.
  • Be careful about resentments from past holidays. Declare an amnesty with whichever family member or friend you are feeling past resentments.
  • Don’t expect the holidays to be just as they were when you were a child. They NEVER are. You’re not the same as when you were a child, and no one else in the family is either.

  • Don’t have any plans for the Holidays? Volunteer to serve holiday dinner at a homeless shelter. Work with any number of groups that help underprivileged or hospitalized children at the holidays. There are many opportunities for doing community service.  No one can be depressed when they are making other people happy.
  • Plan unstructured, low-cost fun holiday activities: window-shop and look at holiday decorations. Look at people’s Christmas lighting on their homes, take a trip to the mountains, etc.
  • If you drink, do not let the holidays become a reason for over-indulging with hangovers. This will exacerbate your depression and anxiety. Contrary to popular opinion, alcohol is a depressant.
  • Give yourself a break and create time for yourself to do the things YOU love and need to do for your physical and mental wellness: aerobic exercise, yoga, massage, taking long fast walks or any activity that calms you down and gives you a better perspective on what is important in your life. Laugh.
If the Holiday Blues become overwhelming and affect your normal level of functioning seeking counseling with a Therapist is always a good thing to do.
Please let me know if I can be of help.  Call me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com    Happy Holidays

How Couples Can Survive The Holidays

How Couples Can Survive The Holidays.  Have you ever said……”I wish we could just go away for the Holidays? ”

How Couples Can Survive The Holidays

Thanksgiving. The official start of the Holiday Season. Most couples dread the Holidays as they are expected to spend time with in-laws and other extended family members.  Even when you have healthy family relations and communication is good certain people can still get under your skin.  It’s these “certain” people that can negatively affect your relationship as the Holidays are already a high time for anxiety.

In Marriage Counseling it is recommended to put boundaries in place and set good limits so that individual and relationship needs are met by you and your spouse and your respective families. As a Couples Counselor I stress the importance of being cognizant of knowing when to say YES and when to say NO to extended family members so that the couples ensures their immediate family needs are met. I understand your respective Families of Origins want access to you and yours but sometimes doing something different can be as beneficial as doing whatever it is you typically do.

A couple of years ago my husband and I went to Little Palm Island in Florida for Thanksgiving weekend. For the past 25 years my sister and I traded off hosting either Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve/Day Dinner for the family. As wonderful as that is it became a little routine for me and the responsibility was becoming burdensome. I wanted to do something different. Of course, I got flack from my parents and in-laws as they are from the older generation but I explained to them that I needed time with my husband and that the traditions were going to be altered for that year. Yes, there was some guilt feelings on my part for awhile, but it didn’t last too long when I was basking in the Florida sun on a private island having even met Christian Slater vacationing at the resort, as well.

It was a well deserved getaway for my husband and me and helped rejuvenate our relationship. Another year we took a “staycation” here at the Hotel Del with our youngest daughter and enjoyed what our own City had to offer during Christmas Dinner. Enjoying the season and your family without the undue stress certainly makes a huge difference. I highly recommend it. This year I want to host for the Holidays as I enjoy that too.

Doing what you really don’t want to do during this particular time of year can be very stressful for couples and can make the difference between having a great Holiday Season or just another holiday season….it’s always a choice.  Call me at (858) 735-1139 if you need help making the right choice for you and yours.