What Constitutes a Date – Dating in the 21st Century

When is it a Date?  Dating has become unrecognizable these days.  With men and women “just hooking up,” going “Dutch Treat,” splitting meals and asking each other out via text, who knows what constitutes a date in the 21st Century.  I believe it all started when women wanted to be more like men and asserted themselves by asking the guy out.  When he said yes some women decided to go all “traditional” on the guy and without telling him decided to change the roles too and expected him pay for the date.  After that nonsense most guys decided they weren’t going to go on dates as much as they were just going to “hang out.”  Dating has become a bit outdated for some as there seems to be allot of pressure in dating. Some men think women believe after one date a gal expects a second, then a third.  Then some kind of long term expectation.  I was working with a couple who had been separated for over a year and when the husband asked the wife to a movie she automatically thought it was a date.  In session she became upset because he had asked her to buy him some snacks at the concession bar and she thought that was odd.  She said that a man on a date didn’t ask that of a woman and he replied, they weren’t on a date.  So what constitutes a date?


There’s a book entitled, “It’s Just A F**king Date” by Greg Behrendt that claims some women would rather have something than nothing.  In other words, they’d rather have a bad relationship than none at all.  Hence accept bad behavior from a man and not be alone.  It takes time and effort into dating and women shouldn’t speed through the process.  There are Five Dating Myths that can help dispell this what should be a pleasant experience.

Myth #1 – A man would make my life complete.  If you are familiar with the Venn Diagram it clearly indicates there are two whole individuals that make for a part of a relationship.  A=Woman; B=Male; C=Relationship.  If either individual is incomplete as a person that deficiency is deposited into the shaded area of the relationship and guess what?  It adversely affects the relationship.  You are enough without a man completing you.

Myth #2 –  He doesn’t need to know everything.  Too much information at the beginning of any relationship is too much information and quite frankly is inappropriate.  Some women can’t hold back and share their life story and all their past relationships.  Parcel the information out.  Keep in mind the first part of the relationship is the best part so try and make it last.

Myth #3 –  You tend to attract what you are.  Show that you care about yourself.  Stop texting and hanging out.  Start going on real dates.  Be ok with yourself.  Exude confidence and trust yourself.  It’s this singular path that honors you.

Myth #4 –  Sex will seal the deal.  This really is a myth.  Ladies don’t have sex unless you really want to have sex.  Don’t make that choice because you think he will like you better or it will turn into a relationship.  It may just turn into a friendship with benefits.

Myth #5 –  A man should not be intimidated by a woman’s success.  If he says he can’t handle your title or profession…..it typically is an excuse for he’s just not into you.

Any activity can be a date.  Two people who want to spend time with one another whether going out to dinner or engaging in whatever is interesting to them is technically a date.  Especially when a man invites a woman on that outing.  Women be clear as to what you want.  If you settle for something that doesn’t meet your expectation you will have an emotion about it.  Often times that emotion is disappointment, sadness, hurt, and anger.  Know what your standards are when you are interested in a man so when he does invite you to do something you know what to be clear about.  If you are not interested in him as a potential partner you will know how to proceed in that regard, as well.  Being able to assert yourself and expressing what is on your mind is crucial to communication.  Verbal communication rather than texting, emailing or leaving voice mail messages is much more effective.  When you are clear about what you want and don’t want you are less prone to becoming disappointed and feeling bad about yourself or that person.  You really have the power to control how you feel about yourself and get what you want.  Just wait for the appropriate circumstances to show up and then go for it.  Until then don’t settle just because you don’t want to be alone, are bored, or think no one else wants to hang out with you.  If you think that way about yourself chances are guys think that way about you too.

If you would like more information about how to be more clear about what you want in a relationship and how not to settle for something you don’t want please give me a call at (858) 735-1139.  Together we can move forward in developing a plan that gets you the quality dates that may progress into the relationship you’ve always wanted.

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