Developing An Erotic Sex Life. Are you happy with your sex life? Have you thought about spicing it up in the sack? Would you say you have more vanilla sex than hot sex? Meaning all you do is Missionary position. Or worse yet, are you in a sexless marriage where you have sex maybe half a dozen times a year? And, yes that constitutes a sexless marriage.
First of all, if you are in a sexless marriage the best way to break that unhealthy cycle is to start having sex. If it has been a significant period of time getting back into the swing of things is like getting back on a bike. Awkward at the first but you do get back on. Having more sex makes you want to have more sex as your body produces sex hormones that can remind you that you like sex and enjoy it. You’d have to get out of the mindset that keeps you shutdown from wanting sex to have gone without it for so long. Often times it’s not fatigue, stress or illness that keeps couples in a sexless marriage. It can be a Power Struggle where one or both hold onto anger or resentment damaging the intimacy creating a downhill spiral.
If you’re like me, you sleep with your cell phone next to your bed. You may even have a clock radio and/or a television in your bedroom. I know many of you work on your laptop sitting up propped on pillows with your legs under the covers.
If any of these things are true, you may be harming your sex life.
Your bedroom should be a sacred oasis, devoted either to sleep or sex. Nothing else. There should be no electronics, wires, or screens in your bedroom.
If you can’t get rid of all of your electronic devices, try to carve at least one night a week out of your schedule and claim it as a screen-free “sex date night.” On sex date night, you don’t have to have sex, but you should focus on your erotic relationship. Turn off your phone. Cover the television. Come out from under your laptop.
Turn your bedroom into a Temple of Eros on sex date night. Cover the lamp with a scarf, light a candle, turn on sexy music, wear something sexy. Make sex date night different and more sacred than any other night of the week. Make sure you are both committed to the night and the time, regardless of emails, homework, or Netflix. Make your sacred erotic life your priority.
Look at your partner not just as the guy taking the trash out or the woman picking up your children, but as your lover and as your intimate partner.” Your Boyfriend or girlfriend.
Focus on the Erotic
It’s so easy to fall into a comfortable routine once the excitement of the Honeymoon Phase fades away. Many couples wind up relying on maintenance sex to keep their relationship connected and erotic. Maintenance sex is what I define as sex on a weekday — not a lot of energy or imagination, using the same positions and maybe more obligatory than passionate. Without maintenance sex, couples can find themselves in low-sex or sexless relationships (defined as sexual intercourse fewer than 11 times a year).
One of the ways out of this dilemma is to devote focused energy on the erotic connection between the two of you. Interact with your partner the way you did when you were dating when everything was new, hot, and exciting. Send flirty messages throughout the day. Schedule a sex date night every week and do everything you can to keep that date. Make your sex life a priority and make the time you set aside for sex a priority.
Masturbate for a Good Sex Life
Masturbation is healthy, both for you and for your sex life. Masturbation can help people learn to communicate better in bed, which will be great for your partner, and good for your health as it keeps your heart, immune system, and mood in check.
Talk To Your Partner
Suggestions to improve your sex life can be relatively easy to put into practice. If it’s proving more difficult than you imagined, sometimes the best approach is to find a professional who can guide you and your partner through the more difficult work of reconnecting. A couples therapist can teach you different, more effective problem-solving techniques and sexier communication styles. It’s true that sex is often a casualty of relationship problems. If you’re not talking, if you’re having problems, this can translate into a boring or nonexistent sex life. This understanding can lead to a deeper, more intimate connection. Once you feel intimately connected, then the sexual intimacy between you can blossom.
For more information on developing an erotic sex life please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or email me at Sarah@CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com
