Do You Want Details Of Your Husband’s Infidelity? As an Affair Recovery specialist, I understand the Hurt Partner (typically the wife) wants details of her husband’s affair. As much as I can appreciate that it is not productive to moving forward. How many times did you have sex and what positions is not helpful. As a matter of fact it can be detrimental because mental images negatively impact moving forward. “I’m sorry” is not affair recovery. Neither is “It’ll never happen again” The statement “I’ll do whatever it takes” to repair the relationship includes getting into affair recovery and exercising the newfound behavior consistently. Understand the future possibilities for the marriage are not determined by what happened in the affair, they are determined by what happens after the affair is known.
Detective questions (facts about the affair) are not helpful to the affair recovery process. However, Investigative questions are. They help to get meaning and motives behind the affair. I take the couple through questions that help the Affair Partner get some insight about why the affair happened in the first place and help articulate that insight to the Hurt Partner.
- What did the affair mean to you?
- Why did it happen when it happened?
- Were you looking for it? Did it just happen?
- Did you tell anyone about the affair?
- Do you think of leaving me?
Affair recovery includes:
- Teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriage back on track
- The unfaithful partner needs to willingly end the affair
- Be honest and transparent to gradually rebuild trust
- Understanding affairs are less about love and more about boundaries
- Understand the major attraction in an affair is NOT the ‘lover’ but the positive mirroring of the self – “the way I look when I see myself in my lover’s eyes”
- The hurt partner must be willing to find ways to manage her overwhelming emotions so they can sort out the reasons for the affair and what needs to change so that it never happens again.
- Time – allow time to heal. With time and effort you can move forward.
Some couples think they can do all this on their own. I beg to differ. I believe it is extremely important to undergo affair recovery and with someone who knows how to move you forward. Doing nothing almost always guarantees repeat offense. Affair relapse prevention is contingent on both partners understanding their part in this problem. Without blaming and by showing empathy and validating each others’ perspective affair recovery is successful.
For more information please contact me at (858) 735-1139.