Getting The Relationship You Want. Knowing What You Want Gets You The Relationship Of Your Dreams. Becoming The Right Person Gets You The Right Person. I’ve been working with this young women who is an attorney, on and off for a little over five years. She had been married for three months. Her husband left her a week after their wedding. Needless to say, she was blindsided. Confused and disheartened she started the process of understanding what she needed to do and how to do it. Being young and in love, she wanted to save her marriage. Her husband, a nice enough fellow, eventually came into counseling and the three of us talked about what they wanted from each other to reconcile. Neither one of them had ill intentions. A substantial amount of time went by and they chose to move forward developing a relationship they thought would work for them. After a trying couple of years they were not able to meet each other’s needs and separated. My client went through many changes, personal and professional. She learned about herself while dating where that process proved to be quite challenging as it is difficult to find the right person. She learned to be strong and more assertive. After months of unsuccessful dating she decided to concentrate on what made her happy and did things she was interested in.
Getting The Relationship You Want
As she developed a greater sense of self she became more grounded and was able to set clear boundaries and limits to manage any codependency behavior. She met and fell in love with a man and is creating a life with him. She shares her insight about her new relationship:
“Being in a conscious and non-co-dependent relationship with an actual mature adult man is fucking challenging. I’ve realized there was a really good reason why in the past, I was unable to find the type of love I desired, with the type of man I desired… it’s simply because I wasn’t fucking ready for it. Being committed to someone who is really, truly invested in ME and my growth as well as his own… in building a solid, functional and fun relationship with me… in dreaming and planning with me around houses, children, businesses, vacations… and in co-creating a magical life on this earth together… is not for the faint of heart. It has required me to expand my capacity to give and receive love… to take radical responsibility for my bullshit, stories, triggers, actions, and reactions… to up-level my communication skills which were nowhere near as good as I thought… and to take a good, hard look in the mirror at the dark, scary parts of me and the parts of me that need to shift in order to be my best self, and then take actions to address those parts. At times, it’s felt painful, gut-wrenching, devastating… and IT IS SO WORTH IT. I am loved, held, seen, heard, understood, cherished, provided for, and protected by a man who knows who he is, what he’s about, and what he stands for and against… a man who knows what and who he wants in his life and acts accordingly… who communicates his needs, wants, and feelings honestly, clearly, and frequently… who puts in consistent effort to understand and support my needs, wants, and feelings to the extent he is able… and oh yeah, who calls my dog “the love of his life”. 🥰😂 Need I say more?! Like, seriously… I am so beyond blessed.” – Chelsea Y.
Getting The Relationship You Want
As a marriage and family therapist, I help women understand their needs are just as important as their counterpart. Developing and maintaining a healthy sense manages those codependent behaviors. In my book,”Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship” lays out the process of individuation and differentiation. Which basically means becoming the individual you are to become and becoming more different from all your relationships.
My client did just that. She has become more confident, self-assured, and assertive. She understands we all have the right to ask for what we need and want. We may not always get what we ask for, but, being able to ask is empowering. Knowing what she wanted for herself made selecting the appropriate life partner more than just a possibility….it’s a reality.
Whether you’re looking to find the right partner or trying to improve a relationship that is not working for you you need to know what you want for yourself before anything else. Contact me at (858) 735-1139 or through my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com for more information.