Husband On the Autism Spectrum. Asperger’s was renamed Autism Spectrum Disorder in 2013 by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.) removing Asperger’s as a standalone diagnosis and made it part of one umbrella diagnosis. However, some people still self-identify with the term Asperger’s which is ASD level 1.
If you’re married to someone who is kindhearted, generous, pretty easy going, and nice, while appearing inconsiderate, selfish, and distant at times, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum. If you feel lonely, alone, frustrated, angry, and resentful in your marriage, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum. If people you know and trust say your husband has quirky behavior, and can be offensive at times, you may be married to someone on the autism spectrum.
Husband On the Autism Spectrum
Why do I make this speculation? Because, I’m married to someone on the autism spectrum. Married 25 years, the first 13 were really challenging. It put my will to the test and I almost didn’t make it emotionally. My husband was the nicest man I ever met and was agreeable to anything I said. Why, then did I behave like I hated him. Ask anyone who knows me, I’m a pretty reasonable and positive person with tons of energy. It takes a lot to get me upset. Yet, with my husband, a man I truly love, I acted out in ways that would bring him to tears and almost always, shut down mode.
Communication was horrible. It was like we were speaking different languages and were from different planets. This was my second marriage. I was previously married to a man with narcissistic traits, so when I met my husband who was so kind and generous, I thought I won the lottery. After a couple of years I thought I made a big mistake.
Cassandra syndrome set in and I lost my sense of self. My new book will be out soon that talks about what that looked like. From the beginning I knew something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was so frustrated because I was a marriage counselor and my own marriage was experiencing much disharmony. Every few months I would burst into a rage stating, “I want a divorce.” I was very unhappy. I help people who ask the question….”should I stay or should I go?” I asked that same question for years. At the same time I knew there were strengths in our relationship. If it weren’t for those strengths, I wouldn’t have been able to stay.
When we finally understood my husband was in fact on the spectrum it changed everything. He felt relief as he always knew something was off about himself. It gave me some clarity and I was able to gain back my sanity. We entered marriage counseling, but the therapist wasn’t well versed in treating neurodiverse couples as neurology matters. As a result, I became certified and provide neurodiverse couples counseling to couples all over the world helping couples through a neurodiverse lens providing effective tools for communication.
The key to living a harmonious life together consist of my husband getting the tools he needs to better understand his brain and how it sees the world, and for me to manage my acting out behavior so the relationship has a safe place to learn how to be more relational and less transactional for moving forward.
For more information about neurodiverse couples and how to thrive in your relationship please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com
