Is Your Husband On The Spectrum? Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) is an Autism Spectrum Disorder – (ASD) and is part of a group of complex neurodevelopmental disorders. In 2013, it became part of one umbrella diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5 (DSM-5). It’s a spectrum of characteristic traits that can make their individual lives and marriages challenging. There’s nothing wrong with being on the Spectrum. I don’t like using the word “syndrome” because it pathologizes and fails to acknowledge the many great traits a person with Asperger’s possess. All of us are on the spectrum to some degree but those who suffer from AS are severely debilitated with respect to social interaction, behavior, and communication. People with Asperger’s, affectionately known as Aspies, are high functioning, have no problem with basic speech, are quite capable and highly intelligent.
Is Your Husband On The Autism Spectrum?
I’ve been married to Phil, my husband for over twenty five years. From the beginning, I suspected he might be on the spectrum. Is Your Husband On The Autism Spectrum?
Common traits of Asperger’s Syndrome include:
- Thoughtlessness. The lack of consideration for others, while unintentional, may appear to be rude or callous.
- Forgetfulness.
- Mindblindness. This is known as a lack of Theory of Mind, which is the inability to reflect on the contents of one’s own mind and the mind of others. Those with AS are incapable of putting themselves “in someone else’s shoes.” They cannot conceptualize, understand or predict the knowledge, thoughts, beliefs, emotions, feelings, and desires behavior, actions, or intention of another person. This can create major barriers to communication and intimacy.
- Lack of self-awareness.
- Challenges with time management. People with AS can become involved in restricted or special interests and, in so doing, lost track of time.
- Possess a narrow range of interests and can become hyper-focused on one, (often very specific,) hobby.
- Demonstrate little to no empathy.
- Heightened sensitivity to bright lights and, loud sounds. Their skin and their sense of taste can also be very sensitive.
- Repetitive behavior. People with AS are not flexible; they like their routines and have little tolerance for change.
- Difficulty making small talk. Possess limited relational skills.
- Propensity for one-sided conversations.
- Difficulty making friends
- Possess awkward moments and mannerisms.
- Little eye contact.
Neurology matters. Many neurodiverse couples struggle not from lack of effort, but because traditional marriage counseling is based on neurotypical assumptions. Neurodiverse couples often need different tools to communicate effectively and feel emotionally connected. Seeking specialized professional help is not a failure or a source of shame—it is a thoughtful and commendable step. Working with someone who understands neurodiversity, both clinically and personally, can make a meaningful difference.
One might wonder why anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone on the spectrum? My husband is a kind, generous, and intelligent man and I love him very much. But his Asperger’s presented some challenges for me early on in our relationship. I invested in the two of us by learning everything I could about AS, acquired the coping skills needed to manage my emotions (see related article on the Cassandra Syndrome), and found tools to help my husband become more relational. Today, we have several systems in place to foster communication, awareness, and meaningful interactions that work quite well.
If you are navigating a neurodiverse marriage, I invite you to reach out or explore my book, The Happy Neurodiverse Marriage: Six Tools for Communication and Emotional Connection With Your Asperger Husband.For counseling and support, visit couplescounselorsandiego.com
Or text me at (858) 735-1139 for information about my services and fees.
