The Pros and Cons of Dating Men Who Won’t Marry may vary from one person to the other but here are a few that resonate with me:
I was divorced for seven years after being married for nine. I didn’t particularly care for the single life and knew I was going to one day remarry. I continued to learn about relationships as I dated quite a few men. But I also learned that there are men who want to settle down and get married and men who don’t. Some men who don’t want to permanently settle down pretty much make it clear at the beginning. These men who do make it clear are typically the ones who commit for the time being and are successful, charismatic and attractive. They can excite you with their lavish dates, vacations and lifestyle. You think you can enjoy being in the here and now ignoring those red flag behaviors and take a chance. Then there’s that possibility and hope that you are special enough and can change his mind and actually be the one he gives up bachelorhood for. Our ego keeps us in denial for awhile as most courtships are very seductive. It’s important to know what it is you want and have boundaries to determine whether or not you are getting what you want. That way you can differentiate between the fun you are having and the goal you want to achieve.
Some of the pros and cons of dating men who won’t marry:
1. Typically successfully, affluent, and attractive men
2. Can sweep you off your feet with their charismatic personality and lavish dates
3. Are very exciting and alluring as they make themselves unavailable for long-term permanency; makes you want them more
4. You can feel very important if he dates you for a longer period of time than expected as this makes you feel you might be “the one” he does break down and settles with
5. Ego booster
6. You can learn something about yourself as to why you allow yourself to remain in a relationship that isn’t giving you what you want
1. You may feel resentful and angry when the relationship ends when reality sets in
2. If you had marriage in mind the time invested could have been spent attracting an appropriate partner
3. If you are of child bearing years and too much time has gone by that window of opportunity might have closed
4. You may have hurt your self-esteem as you ended up not being “the one”
5. The negative feelings from this relationship may be carried onto the next and possibly sabotage an appropriate partner
Once you become aware that he is not going to make that long-term commitment reality sinks in and hurt, disappointment, anger and a range of emotions can set in. Remember determine how you want to date. Are you dating for fun or are you dating to settle down and get married? That question will help you with how long you choose to stay in a relationship that is looking like it is working but, is it going to meet that goal? No one needs to be the bad guy in the scenario as long as there is an understanding of what the relationship is about. That understanding should start with YOU.
As a Couples Counselor I help Individuals with relationship goals and objectives. If you are experiencing difficulty talking to your boyfriend about possibly moving to the next step please give me a call at (858) 735-1139. I can help with the discussion you need to have so you can get the clarity and perspective that you need to move forward.