Recovering From An Affair. Infidelity can destroy a marriage. It can also provide an opportunity to seek the silver lining that leads to a radical marriage upgrade. Depending on what you learned about healthy relationships and what it takes to be in one, acting out behavior is a symptom of the problem within the relationship. When thoughts and feelings are not expressed they can be acted out behaviorally, looking like an adult tantrum. Not effective and can feel embarrassing once you snap out of it. Poor boundaries and unresolved inner child trauma can lead to making poor choices. Engaging in an affair is a conscious choice even when alcohol is involved. That’s why it is difficult to work through.
Recovering From An Affair
The betrayal of trust and sexual infidelity require much talking together to heal. On such a sensitive topic, it is imperative that couples acquire especially strong cooperative dialogue while proceeding with caution in affair recovery. Recovery after upsetting events is a skill set that all couples need. One they especially need to utilize after the trauma of an infidelity. There is good prognosis for full recovery, even after long-standing or multiples affairs. Ideally, recovery ends up with both having learned and grown.
It’s important that the more aware the betrayed spouse becomes of his or her own role in the development of the affair, the more quickly he or she is likely to recover. I help both partners obtain the insight needed to understand why the affair happened where they both articulate their part in the breakdown of their relationship. I do this without judgement or criticism and reassure the hurt partner that whatever both contributed, the affair is never condoned.
Guidelines for recovering from an affair include:
- Seek couple’s therapy with a therapist who specializes in affair recovery
- End the affair (poor prognosis if affair continues)
- Structure the communication about the affair
- Acquire tools for communication
- Being able to initiate conversation
- Share thoughts and feelings
- Ask for what you need and want
- Have the ability to show empathy (different from having empathy)
- Validate each other’s perspective
- Reaffirm commitment to the marriage
- Create transparency and rebuild trust
- Exercise patience and reciprocation
As an Affair Recovery Specialist, I have written multiple blogs on affair recovery, affair prevention, and reasons to seek marriage counseling. The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much
empathy the unfaithful partner (affair partner) shows for the pain they have caused the hurt partner where the hurt partner is willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out why the affair happened, and more
importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again.
For more information about relationships and how I work with couples please visit my Blog at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com/relationships or website at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com
Not all marriage counselors are the same. I have been working with infidelity recovery for over 20 years and can say my couples are able to move forward in developing a new kind of marriage that works for both.
Please feel free to contact me at (858) 735-1139.
