Warning Signs You’re With An Unavailable Person

Warning Signs You’re With An Unavailable Person. As a Couples Counselor I work with men and women who say they want to be in a relationship and eventually want to be married. Some of these individuals happen to be with people who are already married, have a girlfriend or boyfriend, or who don’t want to be in a relationship, and has made that quite clear from the get go.  Why then, do they pursue and stay in such a relationship? The intensity of an emotionally or sexually charged feeling you can have with unavailable or commitment phobic individuals can be confused and mistaken for intimacy.

Warning Signs You’re With An Unavailable Person

Unrequited love is not a good thing despite the feelings it may give you.  For a relationship to work a connection must go both ways.  People either can or won’t reciprocate your feelings.  It’s never good to put your life on hold for someone who cannot or won’t commit to you.  Keep your options open to avoid getting entangled in dead-end or delusional relationships.  Look at what is behaviorally going on and not necessarily what is being spoken.  Words are not always the truth. Look at the follow through and see if what you are asking for is being met.

Here are some warning signs you are with an unavailable person:

1.  They are married or already in a relationship.

2.  They can’t or won’t commit and have commitment fears from past relationships.

3.  They are emotionally distant or shut down and can’t deal with conflict.

4.  They are interested in sex and not relating emotionally or spiritually.

5.  They are involved in some kind of substance abuse or sex addiction.

6.  They prefer long-distance relationships, texting or emailing rather than face to face communication.

Warning Signs You’re With An Unavailable Person

7.  Don’t introduce you to family and friends.

8.  Have limited contact, are elusive, sneaky and are frequently working or tired.

9.  Seductive and make empty promises – their behavior and words don’t match – no follow through.

10. They send mix messages – you’re always trying to “de-code” what they really mean.

11. They are Narcissistic, only considers their needs not yours.

12. They entice you with their potential to be loving only to withdraw, stringing you along.

As a Marriage Counselor working with Couples and Individuals in Relationships it is apparent people are commitment-phobic for various reasons.  Research has shown that people are afraid of being clung to or smothered, which could stem from having had a controlling or abusive parent.  Some of the men I work with prefer sex without love as they fear being controlled by feminine energy and rationalize by thinking women need more than they can give.  Some of the women I work with keep themselves at a distance due to their fear of intimacy and making themselves vulnerable.

No matter what your issue may about being in a relationship with an unavailable person, remember the electricity can feel incredible and rare, but if any of the warning signs exist, you may be mistaking that intensity for intimacy when in fact it is not the reality.

For more information on healthy relationships and getting the relationship you want please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Is An Emotional Affair Worse Than A Sexual Affair?

Is An Emotional Affair Worse Than A Sexual Affair?  Just because you didn’t have sexual intercourse doesn’t mean it wasn’t an affair.  An affair is the act of behaving unfaithfully and cheating on a spouse or significant other.  As a Couples Counselor I believe it is a breach of fidelity when inappropriate relationships and behaviors are kept secret from your significant other.  An example could be when you are communicating with someone online and start including sexual innuendos, sexting, flirtatious banter, and sharing thoughts and feelings that lead to intimacy. Whenever personal information is shared with the opposite sex an intimacy, albeit, an inappropriate form of intimacy is developed.  The process of sharing such personal information makes people vulnerable and vulnerability makes people feel intimate or emotionally connected.  As a Marriage Counselor I see couples who illicit my help as they have triangulated another person into their marriage by sharing their marital problems, as well as sexual problems with their friend of the opposite sex, and now feel close to that friend.  As their friendship strengthens they feel an emotional connection and sometimes this leads to a sexual affair.  If it doesn’t the fact they have been sharing intimate information about their marriages and one another to each other develops a deeper connection between them and that leads to trouble as an Emotional Connection now becomes an Affair.

Side view of unhappy young couple standing back to back at home

Is An Emotional Affair Worse Than A Sexual Affair?

A dating site for people seeking affairs, Victoria Milan,  surveyed 5,000 of their members to find out their attitudes about cheating — specifically, how they felt about sexual affairs versus emotional affairs. It turns out, men and women have very different ideas about what’s forgivable and what’s not.

Here’s what they discovered:

  • 72 percent of men said sexual affairs were worse than emotional affairs.
  • 69 percent of women said emotional affairs were worse than sexual affairs.
  • 76 percent of women would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair
  • Only 35 percent of men would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair.
  • 80 percent of men said they would forgive an emotional affair.
  • Only 30 percent of women would forgive an emotional affair.

“Many people are searching for affection, a deeper connection that can lead to real, feelings, not just sex,” said Victoria Milan CEO Sigurd Vedal in a press release. “What kind of cheating is more painful? It totally depends on the individual, and maybe on gender as well.”  Researchers from the University of Michigan found that women viewed “forming a deep emotional bond” during infidelity as a much bigger concern than men.

Whatever your views on the subject Betrayal never feels good.  Working as a Marriage and Couples Counselor in private practice I specialize in Affair Recovery.  I believe affairs are symptoms of other issues effecting the relationship.  Of course, affairs are also part of a personality challenge in some people known as Philanderers.  I am here to help those who want to learn more about why they do what they do and how to move forward so their behavior stops hurting themselves and their relationships.

For more information please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Infidelity Knows No Boundaries

Infidelity Knows No Boundaries.  It was all over the news and media when Donald Trump smeared Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign by dredging up her husband’s past infidelities while he himself is not innocent when it comes to faithfulness in marriage.  As the information reads, Trump too has had an infidelity in the form of Marla Maples, his second wife, while he was still married to his first wife Ivana Trump. His now adult children were of grade school age. “The pot calling the kettle black” seems an appropriate phrase to use in this situation as it claims that a person is guilty of the very thing of which they accuse another. While it is stressful running the highest office of the land, it is still important to hold oneself in high regard when exercising appropriate behavior as the whole world is looking to him as a role model. 

Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton and Donald Trump

Courtesy of Getty Images and CNBC

Individuals are responsible for their own behavior and in my opinion as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in Infidelity and Affair Recovery if your husband cheats on you, often times it has nothing to do with you as a person.  It’s difficult to accept the discovery of an affair while also having to manage the overwhelming range of emotions. This is a process that takes much time to overcome.

Finding out your partner is having an affair is one of the most devastating things that could happen to you. Cheating shatters the core of your existence leaving you with feelings of rejection, mistrust, anger, betrayal and grief.  It damages your sense of self and leaves you overwhelmed with pain and confusion.

A husband’s indiscretions or affairs, in this case former President Bill Clinton’s, should not taint a wife’s community standing or political aspiration, for example the former Secretary of State, First Lady, and Senator of New York.  Each person is an individual making individual choices in the course of their everyday life and their loved ones shouldn’t be affected with “guilt by association.”  To judge Mrs. Clinton’s foreseeable inability to make good decisions based on her association with her husband is not only inappropriate as she is her own person and has made great accomplishments of her own, but it is ludicrous in that no one should be responsible for the “sins of their fathers.”

Husbands who have affairs, just as with wives who have affairs, have them for very many different reasons. Affairs are less about love and more about boundaries and can happen even in good marriages. The major attraction in an affair is NOT the love partner, but the positive mirroring of the self; the way one looks when one sees himself/herself in the other person’s eyes.  Affairs are more about how the person having the affair feels (excited or aroused). The novelty and newness creates much passion.  The conventional wisdom is that the person having an affair isn’t getting enough at home. That may be true, but often the truth is the person isn’t giving enough.  

An affair doesn’t necessarily end a marriage.  Contrary to what some people believe it can possibly make a marriage stronger.  Recovering from infidelity involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse.  Cheating husbands, Bill Clinton included, probably love their wives very much, as Clinton is undoubtedly very proud his wife.  They have a history together after over 40 years of marriage.  No one wants to give that up.  None of us is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  Rather than concentrate on the act of infidelity, find out what happened and what is needed to move forward.  After all, there was a time when you couldn’t live without the person you married for all of those wonderful reasons. Finding out what went wrong and adjusting for the future will uphold the integrity of the intimacy you once had for one another as well as keep and nourish it for always.

For more information on Infidelity and Affair Recovery please contact Sarah Cook Ruggera, MFT at (858) 735-1139.

Affair Proof Your Marriage

Affair Proof Your Marriage.  As a Marriage Counselor working in Affair and Infidelity Recovery I work with couples who made the terrible mistake of cheating and now are left experiencing confusion and panic as they don’t know what to do to move forward and remedy what they have just done. No doubt affairs can provide much excitement and illicit passion but the discovery of it in the form of “getting caught” is quite devastating and feelings of guilt and shame are overwhelming.  No one intentionally plans for an affair.  There are many reasons individuals make this kind of bad decision. Monogamy is not easy.  It’s something that has to be conscious and a constant choice.

Affair Proof Your Marriage

As a Marriage Counselor working through Affair Recovery happens when the damage has already been done.  Putting some preventative steps in place can be wise to affair-proof your marriage.

Dr. Tammy Nelson, Sex Therapist and Author suggest:

  1. Start small: communicate. You and your partner need to talk about the little stuff. Don’t wait till the Zombie wakes up and you have no choice but to fight about the big stuff. Start small, now. Spend 15 minutes a day catching up.

Ask your partner these three questions every day:

  • What was a highlight of your day?
  • What was a down moment for you?
  • How are we doing, as a couple today?

Affair Proof Your Marriage

  1. Say something nice. Stop criticizing everything they do. When you first met you flirted, flattered and found your way into their heart with kindness. Don’t expect to get the same love and affection now by yelling, blaming or belittling. Say something kind.
  • Every day say three things you appreciate about your partner.
  • Ask them to repeat back to you what they heard.
  • Switch.
  1. Make sex hot.  Sex is an important part of a relationship. It’s the one difference between a romantic relationship and a roommate. Keep the erotic side of your life alive by focusing on it as a priority. Carve out a time and space for sex.  Honor the time put in the effort.  If you’re not into it, find out why. It’s not your partner’s fault that you are not turning yourself on.

Dr. Gina Ogden, author of Return of Desire, says to ask yourself these questions:

  • What do I do to turn myself on?
  • What do I do to turn myself off?

Take responsibility for making your love life hot and exciting. Why think about going somewhere else when you and your Zombie can be perfectly satisfied right at home?

For more information about affair proofing your marriage contact me (858) 8735-1139 or visit www.couplescounselorsandiego.com.

 

Learn Effective Parenting Then Trust Your Parenting

Learn Effective Parenting Then Trust Your Parenting. As a Marriage and Family Therapist working with loving parents for over 20 years I also see that some can be overbearing and project their own anxieties upon their children creating undue pressure on them and disharmony within the family.  It’s those “helicopter moms” and “controlling dads” that get in the way of effectively parenting their kids.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe we as parents need to guide our children by placing boundaries and putting limits in place so they’ll know how to take care of themselves through their process of growing up.  But that’s just the point, it’s their process, not ours.  When parents can grasp that concept their children are free to “be” who they are going to be and will have the good well-being to choose for themselves what is right for them. Often times those choices are the right choices albeit they might not be what we want.

 

Learn Effective Parenting Then Trust Your Parenting

As a mother I’m not immuned to my own anxiety when I see my own children heading to bed at 11 pm and sometimes leaving the house a little later for school because of it ending up a bit tardy for her first class.  Or when they sleep in until 12 noon on weekends to catch up on her sleep.  My mother used to say I was lazy for sleeping in so late on the weekends when in fact science indicates a teenager’s sleep cycle will change.  Their circadian rhythm will move them about three hours past where they were as kids.  This is referred to as “sleep phase delay.” This means they will fall asleep three hours past the time they used to and unless they are completely exhausted, it will be biologically very difficult for them to fall asleep earlier.  If you didn’t know that as a parent you could be experiencing Power Struggles with your child and that would create disharmony between you.

Learn Effective Parenting Then Trust Your Parenting

As a Marriage Counselor who works with single parents and intact families I help parents learn and understand childhood developmental stages.  With knowledge comes a better understanding of how to raise and parent our children and get the outcome we all want.  When it comes to teenagers, as much as we want more hands on, for obvious reasons, the more we are to trust and give them their independence so they can learn to make the right choices for themselves.

 For more information on the best parenting possible contact me at (858 735-1139.