Affair Proof Your Marriage

Affair Proof Your Marriage.  As a Marriage Counselor working in Affair and Infidelity Recovery I work with couples who made the terrible mistake of cheating and now are left experiencing confusion and panic as they don’t know what to do to move forward and remedy what they have just done.

No doubt affairs can provide much excitement and illicit passion but the discovery of it in the form of “getting caught” is quite devastating and feelings of guilt and shame are overwhelming.  No one intentionally plans for an affair.  There are many reasons individuals make this kind of bad decision. Monogamy is not easy.  It’s something that has to be conscious and a constant choice.

As a Marriage Counselor working through Affair Recovery happens when the damage has already been done.  Putting some preventative steps in place can be wise to affair-proof your marriage.

Dr. Tammy Nelson, Sex Therapist and Author suggest:

  1. Start small: communicate. You and your partner need to talk about the little stuff. Don’t wait till the Zombie wakes up and you have no choice but to fight about the big stuff. Start small, now. Spend 15 minutes a day catching up.

Ask your partner these three questions every day:

  • What was a highlight of your day?
  • What was a down moment for you?
  • How are we doing, as a couple today?
  1. Say something nice. Stop criticizing everything they do. When you first met you flirted, flattered and found your way into their heart with kindness. Don’t expect to get the same love and affection now by yelling, blaming or belittling. Say something kind.
  • Every day say three things you appreciate about your partner.
  • Ask them to repeat back to you what they heard.
  • Switch.
  1. Make sex hot.  Sex is an important part of a relationship. It’s the one difference between a romantic relationship and a roommate. Keep the erotic side of your life alive by focusing on it as a priority. Carve out a time and space for sex.  Honor the time put in the effort.  If you’re not into it, find out why. It’s not your partner’s fault that you are not turning yourself on.

Dr. Gina Ogden, author of Return of Desire, says to ask yourself these questions:

  • What do I do to turn myself on?
  • What do I do to turn myself off?

Take responsibility for making your love life hot and exciting. Why think about going somewhere else when you and your Zombie can be perfectly satisfied right at home?

For more information about affair proofing your marriage contact me (858) 8735-1139 or visit www.couplescounselorsandiego.com.

 

How To Affair Proof Your Relationship

How To Affair Proof Your Relationship.  It seems everywhere you turn someone you know is having an affair.  I bet you claimed you would never cheat on your partner, right?  Who intentionally gets into a relationship and then decides to cheat?  It’s devastating to be on either end of that situation as the guilt and betrayal can be overwhelming.  It can take up to two years or more for a couple to repair the effects of an affair so wouldn’t it be in everybody’s best interest to prevent one?

Putting the following into practice could prevent the downfall of any relationship:

1.  Be the Mature Person you need to be –  A person who is independent within an interdependent relationship makes for a less needy individual.  A less needy individual makes for a more attractive partner.

2.  Don’t ignore your spouse’s complaints – Listen to and acknowledge their discomfort about housework, money, in-laws, etc., whether you agree or disagree.  It’s important they feel heard.

3.  Be Honest – I’m talking about when you feel an attraction for someone else share that with your partner and talk about the feelings around it.  It’s perfectly normal to fantasize about other people but can be dangerous if acted out.  Telling your partner before something actually happens is less disastrous and painful than having to deal with the consequences of an actual betrayal (affair).

4.  Show Appreciation – Telling your partner every day that you appreciate something they have done for you or how they look in appearance is very endearing contrary to any criticisms.

5.  Tell your partner what you want – Women tend to think men can read their minds, well they can’t.  You need to tell each other what you want.  How you want your coffee in the morning or what you’d like in bed.  Being open is part of being communicative.

6.  Have lots of Sex – (or an agreed upon amount between the two of you); when there is a physical connection often times there is an emotional connection.  When you make the space for your sex you hold your relationship in high regard and validate your partnership in a loving way.  It is during these encounters where sharing honesty and being communicative about your wants and desires that protect you from other people who can come between you and your partner.

7.  Develop a Monogamy Agreement that is ideal for your relationship.  (see http://erelationshipadvicecafe.com/the-new-monogamy)

Continue talking to each other about what works in your relationship and what doesn’t.  Every relationship is unique to its own developed agreement.  If you put into practice what you agree upon your relationship should be safe from others trying to infiltrate it.

Call me at (858) 735-1139 for more information about preventing an affair.