Will Cheaters Cheat Again?

Will Cheaters Cheat Again? This is a difficult question to answer because everyone is different with their own set of circumstances leading to infidelity. Whenever I’m asked that question I say, “it depends.” In affair recovery the single best indicator of success is the Affair Partner’s (cheater) ability to show insight about why he/she cheated and articulate why he/she will not cheat again. While the Hurt Partner (typically wife) manages her emotions appropriately through the affair recovery process as it’s a roller coaster of a ride with good days and bad. In working with couples for over 25 years, I find the success rate for good prognosis is where both partners are committed to developing a new healthy relationship where they are able to put the affair behind them but manage the underlying symptoms that lead to it.

Will Cheaters Cheat Again?

Insight allows you to engage in heartfelt reflection. Insight helps you understand what’s going on in your relationship at any given time, whether you’re in conflict or things are going well. It gives you a strong understanding of what’s going on with you and how that contributes to the state of your relationship in general. Insight means you realize what you could be contributing, what your perspective is, and most important, how you feel about that. When you trust your ability to process information (understand what’s going on), you can learn to say the things that you need to say, despite the possible ramifications.

Information gathering is an important tool in every relationship. The best way for you to gather information is through understanding what you are thinking and feeling and whatever you are trying to process. When you take in information, your brain processes it and provides introspection into what you know and how you feel. It takes the information you’ve gathered and digests it in a thoughtful, rather than a half-witted, way. Insight is the ability to gather information, and finally be able to articulate what that gathered information means to you.

Will Cheaters Cheat Again?

In the case of Sam, 42 and Sandy 41. They have been married 25 years with two children. Sam was discovered having an affair with his office mate and is remorseful. Sandy doesn’t want to divorce as they have two young children and spent the better part of life building a life together. She is understandably hurt and confused. She has lost all trust and is not confident she can regain Sam’s trust ever again.

Sam is asked a set a questions about his affair where it is important to get meaning and motive rather than detective details about it. Sam believes he strayed away from his marriage because he like the attention he received from this office mate. He also shares as a young boy his parents never had time for him as they were busy running their family restaurant. He remembers receiving attention from his nanny and felt close to her. He said he knew his parents loved him but the neglected paying him the attention he now knows he not only wanted, but needed.

Will Cheaters Cheat Again?

Sam and Sandy grew up together and she apparently gave him the attention he longed for. As they both were each other’s first love and became consumed with the details of life, work, children, etc. They placed more attention on the day-to-day details of life than with each other. Sandy received a lot of attention from her children as she was the primary caretaker. Both worked and with motherhood, Sandy admits the relationships needs were neglected.

In affair recovery we acknowledge Sam’ office mate was a third party entity that enabled Sam to feel a feeling. That feeling was feeling wanted and validated. His shame and guilt along with his insight about why he stepped out of the marriage and why he will not in the future is a big first step in the affair recovery process. Of course, they have acquired tools to be able to initiate conversation, share thought and feelings, and ask for what is needed and wanted.

As Sam continues to gather information about why he made this bad decision, both are learning how to show each other empathy and become more vulnerable so they can talk about anything, despite the discomfort of hard topics.

For more information contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

National Boss Day

National Boss Day. October 16th has been pitched as a day for employees to thank their bosses for being kind and fair throughout the year. Some have oppose the concept as nothing more than a meaningless Hallmark Holiday, as well as placing unfair pressure on employees to bow down to managers who earn more than they do, while exercising power over them. There are good bosses and there are those who are left to be desired. My boss happens to be one of the good ones.

National Boss Day

Before I started my private practice and business, I worked for individuals who should not have been in manager/supervisor roles. There were some who were competent and some who were incompetent. Whether competent or not, some also needed skills in managing their own issues/feelings to be better equipped to help their employees become more effective. Some were punitive some were fair. I appreciated those who identified and exercised appropriate behavior and had some emotional intelligence aka maturity. Where their developed sense of self was grounded enough to be fair and well mannered. That’s not always the case.

It’s not easy running a business. I had to develop a system and implement tools to enable balance in my work and personal life. As I am a counselor and coach, I must role model self care so my clients understand being a workaholic isn’t healthy or productive to self or family. Taking care of oneself is the key to developing and maintaining relationships. In my book, “Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship” I explain the concept of “me” first, and not in a selfish way.

Happy Me Happy We

As a young woman I was plagued with migraines. Anyone who has migraines would sympathize as these types of headaches make functioning impossible. Taking time off (I had accrued sick leave or personal time off), was viewed as a negative and yearly reviews always mentioned the time off. I thought these managers were heartless and showed no empathy. Throughout my days as an employee I barely came across a boss who “had it together.” I understand productivity and quotas to be met, but, I believe you can achieve those goals by being a decent human being.

Although I did not have a business degree, I was fortunate and had the wherewithal to become a business owner. Being my own boss has it’s stressors, don’t get me wrong. But at least I have control over and the ability to manage those stressors without the critical eye of someone trying to meet company needs over my own well being.

To all those who have bosses. I hope they are one of the better ones. For those who do not, I sympathize with you. To help manage stress from work and unappreciated feelings concentrate on yourself. Meaning do things that make you happy to balance the stressors of work life. I understand some have limited choices and need to make a living. Carving out time for yourself and doing what you want can make all the difference. A happier self can create opportunities for you where there are none.

If you need help with work life balance give me a call at (858) 735-1139.

Why Do Couples Fight?

Why Do Couples Fight? Fighting (relationship conflicts) can actually be healthy. Fighting demonstrates separateness and passion. I work with couples who claim they never fight and have many similarities yet do not feel the intimacy needed for that emotional connection. Over the years being polite and deferring, which I refer to as being “conflict avoidant” gets them to the state of feeling like roommates, and bad roommates at that.

In marriage, conflict is inevitable. Even the happiest couples argue. They argue over inadequate attention or affection, jealousy and infidelity, chores and responsibilities, control and dominance, future plans and money, children, in-laws, and sex to name a few.

And these arguments will continue over and over again if tools for communication aren’t acquired for being able to come to a consensus or compromise. As personal issues tend to trigger relationship issues it would be good to get yourself more grounded/(differentiated), the active ongoing process of a person being able to define their thoughts, their feelings, their wishes and their desires to one another and to be able to tolerate the partner doing the same thing. Which isn’t always easy.

differentiated couples having conversation despite conflict

Undifferentiated couple arguing shouting blaming each other of problem

When fighting fair know where your responsibility lies and try not point the finger. Your partner should do that, as well. Couples therapy pioneer, Ellen Bader, says “stay in your own skin” when managing fights. That’s basically what arguments consist of. Two perspectives trying to get one another to acknowledge the other. Both are correct but what do you do about it? Having a dialog (conversation), showing each other empathy for their feelings, and validating their point of view is the place to start. After which, a consensus or a compromise is to be executed.

Differentiated individuals are able to have such conversations. In helping people who ask the question…”should I stay or should I go?” I stress the importance of couples having the where with all to maintain their sense of self in their relationship. In relationships, the individual is independent in an interdependent union. Keeping good boundaries enables both to get their needs met and receive the harmony desired to live a happy and prosperous life together.

My book: Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In a Relationship helps you better understand about concentrating on yourself and becoming that differentiated (grounded) self.

For more information contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

Do You Know What You Want?

Do You Know What You Want? Are you good at making choices? Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you.” – John C. Maxwell. When I was sixteen years old a friend of mine and I went shopping for shoes. We didn’t come from rich families so deciding what to purchase was very important because I wanted something practical yet pretty. The shoe salesperson brought out several pairs in my size and I made a decision rather quickly. My girlfriend said, “gee you picked them out rather quickly.” And I replied, “that’s because I know what I want.” When it comes to relationships I wasn’t that quick to making good decisions.

 

Do You Know What You Want?

Do you know what you want? Often when I ask my clients what they want, they say they don’t know. I’m not surprised to hear this. I’ve been in their shoes, thinking the same way. Concentrating on yourself develops your sense of “me.” Without a good sense of “me” you may not ab able to find the “we” that best suits you. The world is full of all kinds of people we can love, but not all align well with your “me.”

Do You Know What You Want?

I am working with Sally in affair recovery. She wants her relationship to become as stable as needed to get what she wants long term, which is a reconciliation and remarriage. This requires Sally to concentrate on herself as her personal issues affected her relationship hence making for some bad choices. She continues to focus and obsess over what she wants and isn’t showing her husband the empathy needed for him to regain trust in her for moving forward. It’s good Sally knows what she wants but needs to stop focusing on the end result. Focusing on the end result shows self centeredness, typical in affairs, rather than showing that her husband has his own process and choices to make. When you concentrate on what you need to do and not so much on what you want others to do you may or may not get your end result. When individuals within the relationship do their own work in counseling sometimes the end result can be in choosing to not reunite. Putting the carriage before the horse isn’t the appropriate route to take.

Buying a pair of shoes is much different from choosing the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Choices are empowering, both in your general life and within your relationships. That’s why it’s so important to know how to choose as well as what to choose, so that the choices you make create better outcomes for you. In my book, Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship

For more information please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

 

Are You Grounded Enough In Your Relationship?

Are You Grounded Enough In Your Relationship? Are you grounded enough to even be in a relationship? Groundedness is about stability. It’s about being in your functional adult, rather than the “adaptive child” (aka your inner child) who reacts emotionally. Groundedness means that your functional adult is able to be neutral in terms of opinions and perspective when it comes to both yourself and others. Groundedness comes from knowing who you are and what you want. That comes from being fair, not critical, having good judgment, and listening calmly to the other side. True groundedness offers stability, equality, and neutrality.

Are You Grounded Enough In Your Relationship?

Do you know what you want? Often when I ask my clients what they want, they say they don’t know. I’m not surprised to hear this. I’ve been in their shoes, thinking the same way. Concentrating on yourself develops your sense of “me.” Without a good sense of “me” you may not ab able to find the “we” that best suits you. The world is full of all kinds of people we can love, but not all align well with your “me.”

Alex (30 y.o.) and Andrea (31 y.o) together since they were 22 years old, come in for affair recovery only to find out that the affair is a symptom of the underlying problems. Those underlying problems stem from Alex’s low self-esteem and confidence. In counseling we determine the affair represented attention-seeking behavior. The woman he was seeing gave him much attention that stroked his ego. Albeit, during any honeymoon stage, attention is a given and the “high” from that when you aren’t receiving it from your partner is addicting.

Are You Grounded Enough In Your Relationship?

Alex is struggling with career and developmental issues. In life we individuate and differentiate developing a sense of self. The developmental stages help with that process. If you don’t meet emotional and psychological milestones you could be stuck in a younger developmental stage despite your chronological age. So as you grow old, your emotional where with all may not be congruent with your chronological age. Meaning you can be a man of 30 years old and feel like a child or teenager when trying to figure out what to do in life. This is the case for Alex. He states he loves his wife but doesn’t feel much intimacy. They are great friends with so much in common.

Rather than continue in marriage counseling they are now doing individual work with me. I explain their relationship is like the cart in front of the horse. For Alex, the cart represents his poor sense of self and needed work developmentally to understand he needs to meet his needs first and not the needs of other. In doing so he will become the individual he is to become and be more differentiated in healthy ways from his relationships.

In doing the individual work a healthy relationship can be yours. In my book entitled, Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship is utilized to guide Alex and Andrea as they give themselves the opportunity to learn and understand that knowing what you want will get you the relationship of your dreams. You won’t have to settle.

For more information about my services in working with couples please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com