Why Married Men Don’t Cheat

Why Married Men Don’t Cheat.  According to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy dated 9/8/2013 22% of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.  There have been many articles written by experts in the field as to why men cheat.  In 1995, Sheppard, Nelso & Andreoli-Mathie, reported men cheat because they are unsatisfied sexually.  Another study reported men cheat due to a lack of communication, understanding, and sexual incompatibility, (Roscoe, Cavanaugh, & Kennedy 1988). Marital dissatisfaction was the main reason cited in the 20th Century for infidelity for both male and female, however, there are many other reasons why men cheat and not just because they “can.”  There are also reasons why men don’t cheat.  A recent  article in AARP magazine by Joe Queenan takes a look into the mind of the male monogamist.  He states some men stay in their marriages without the stain of infidelity because men are:

Incredibly Lazy

As my ex-husband once said, “I’d never cheat because I’m too lazy, having an affair would be too much work.”  Men like to relax after a hard days work.  Downloading in their Man Cave drinking a beer, watching sports, on their computer, etc.  Romance, by contrast, is allot of work.  You have to shower, smell good, shave, exercise courtship behavior like buy flowers, go on dates and engage in conversation.  Cheating would require all of the above times two, the wife and the mistress.  Extramarital affairs are too exhausting if you consider wanting to make both women happy.

Startlingly Ugly

According to Queenan, “You might see a 10 with an 8, or an 8 with a 5, but you never see a 9 with a 2.”  That’s the reason unattractive men do not cheat on their wives.  “An ugly man is so happy that he found one woman willing to gaze at his dreadful countenance for the next 40 years” that he’s grateful and isn’t willing to risk everything by cheating on her.

Cheap

Taking women out on dates require a fair amount of financial resources and that’s additional money from the household income.  Often times men having affairs spend money on the same presents and dates for both their wives and mistresses.

Fearful of getting caught

Men know they aren’t as good at multitasking as most women and also know they don’t have that great of memory or are very organized.  So “shady” behavior like engaging in an affair is too risky in that they may get caught and don’t want to deal with the consequences of getting caught.

Under the assumption Affairs are time-consuming

There aren’t enough hours in the day to maintain an extramarital affair as having a mistress exerts as much energy as having a wife and family at home.  Their individual time gets narrowed down to no time and nobody gets the best of his time, not even himself.

(Bores) and can’t get dates

Just like the unattractive guys, boring guys are happy that they are able to find one woman who finds them half way interesting and although may think about cheating couldn’t find anyone interested in them to take them on.

They’ve seen the movie “Fatal Attraction” and bottom line they aren’t really good at it.

Neuropsychologist state there’s an area in the brain located in the frontal lobe that supports self-control processes.  These processes are referred to as “executive functions” and involve the ability to plan, inhibit or delay responding.  Resisting the temptation to cheat requires cognitive (thinking) effort. If you possess a high level of executive control, you probably are less likely to cheat on your partner as your way of thinking includes more inhibition and delayed immediate gratification capability opposed to someone with less executive control.  Whenever someone must focus hard on a task and ignore distractions, this area is particularly active. The extent to which these areas of the brain light up predicts a lot of important outcomes, including whether people are likely to follow the rule norms of society, resist a wide variety of temptations, and engage in risky behaviors.

Other Reasons Married Men Don’t Cheat have to do with character and good moral judgement.  A few to mention include:

Commitment to sexually exclusive monogamy

Integrity – a promise was made to vows; a commitment was given to exclusivity

Happy with wife – being in love their wife enhances the faithfulness

Don’t want to feel guilty

Civilized – the behavior of being unfaithful may be indicative to the contrary

Their wife doesn’t give them any reason to stray

Their father cheated on their mother and they don’t want to become like their cheater father –  repeating history and hurting other loved ones besides the hurt partner

Don’t want to possibly contract a sexually transmitted disease

Not empowering

The bottom line in deciding to engage in an affair happens to be a personal choice.  In Marriage Counseling I hear various reasons why affairs started.  They range from reasonable and understandable to the ridiculous.  As a Therapist who specializes in Affair Recovery, I believe affairs are symptoms of other problems that are being acted inappropriately when the initial step to prevent such behavior would be to talk to your partner about your feelings and go from there.  Marriage Therapy can give you the opportunity to talk about what you want in your relationship and how you can integrate that part of yourself that you feel while engaging in an affair.  Whilst married men who do not engage in affairs apparently are able to manage that part of themselves there are some who are not.  Bravo to those who can.

Please call me if you would like to understand more about affairs and why they happen at (858) 735-1139.

Are You Cheating?

Are You Cheating? Do you have a dirty little secret you’ve been hiding from your partner? Have you been sneaking around and covering your tracks?  Maybe you’re caught up in an unquenchable love affair with designer handbags or it’s your partner who’s totally embedded in gambling.  If you’re living in fear of each other’s credit card bills, it may be a case of Financial Infidelity.

Are You Cheating?

People tend to say your relationship with money is directly related to your personal relationship with each other.  Whether it’s a secret debt, undisclosed extra income, or out of control spending, once it’s discovered financial infidelity can be just as devastating to your partner as Sexual Infidelity.  Your sense of trust is just as violated and, just like an affair, you try to go back in time, recounting all the secretive behavior going on right under your nose.

To give you a better idea of how easy it is to fall into this trap here are a few examples of risky reasoning that can lead to financial cheating:

  • “I deserve it.” Feeling entitled to splurge on something you can’t afford to make up for a bad day at work or because your partner didn’t/won’t buy it for you.
  • “Keeping up with the Joneses.”  Materialism being a priority over intimacy and wanting to keep up the life you “believe” you should have…rather than the one you can afford.
  • “It’s my only real pleasure.”  Using buying and spending to fulfill unmet needs.

Are You Cheating?

Just like Sexual Infidelity the recovery process is the same. Trust has been broken and to reconnect and move forward both need to take responsibility for their actions. Marriage Counseling can help with the Repair process as the betrayal includes similar emotions. Couples Therapy enables both partners to share their thoughts, feelings and perspectives about what caused their acting out behaviors and discuss new ways to prevent their relationship from moving toward the relationship they truly want.

There are many was that deception affects relationships. Financial deception is in that category of infidelity. Whether it be emotional or sexual infidelity, financial infidelity hits home just the same. It hurts and no one likes it.

If you think you have cheated this way or the other contact me at (858) 735-1139.

The New Monogamy Agreement

The New Monogamy Agreement So what’s all this talk about New Monogamy Agreements? New Monogamy Agreements are Contracts that are an Explicit Relationship Agreement created by each partner to openly, honestly, and safely share their desires, expectations, and limitations for moving forward in a new way of behaving within their Relationship. This agreement in no way creates an open marriage, but rather, an open conversation wherein each partner can have a say in setting the ground rules for their relationship.   If Open Marriage happens to be a desire for both partners then it would become part of the Agreement.

The New Monogamy Agreement

In Marriage Counseling with me there is no judgement or criticism while developing these Agreements as I am here to help guide the process enabling Couples to live the life they desire as we have entered into the 21st Century.  We do not have the marriages/relationships that our parents or grandparents had.  There are hundreds of “How To” lists for relationships and all seem to say the same thing.  Why not put something together that works for you and your partner.  We live in such a diversified and dynamic world where everyone is unique.  I help Couples in Couples Therapy develop New Monogamy Agreements to rebuild trust after an Affair or to re-establish Intimacy in a seemingly stale partnership.

When making your Monogamy Agreement try and keep in mind that it’s like renewing your Vows.  It’s important not to just make promises like you did when you got married or pledged your Fidelity.  This agreement will have fluidity and variety and will be renewed as often as needed.

Some of the questions to ask in your New Monogamy Agreement will be based on your cultural and religious beliefs, as well as your upbringing and traditional sex roles, family history and personal moral values.

Utilizing Tammy Nelson’s Book “The New Monogamy” I help Couples in the Moving Forward process answer questions that help create their new agreements.  Included are questions that incorporate:

  1. Thoughts
  2. Fantasies
  3. Desires
  4. Arousal
  5. Flirtation
  6. Emotion
  7. Action (Behavior)
  8. Connection
  9. Sex
  10. Love
  11. Detachment
  12.  And Extras – anything else you want to add that is important to you

The vision for your Monogamy should be described as if it is happening at present….in the “now.”  When the agreement is written and dated it is kept in a safe place where it can be updated whenever you are unsure about your commitment.   Talk about questions that come up and revise when needed.  When completed celebrate and do something special to concretize the experience for you.  Your New Monogamy agreement is one of the most important things you will accomplish.  It shouldn’t be taken lightly.  Give yourself credit for having a conscious relationship for moving forward in your newly established relationship.

Intimacy – You Have To Love Yourself First

Intimacy – You Have To Love Yourself First.  Intimacy is a state of closeness with another human being.  Our capacity for intimacy determines our ability to participate in a mutually fulfilling and satisfying relationship.  People I work with in Individual Therapy are afraid of getting too close to anyone.  They fear that if they open up and take a risk they’ll be vulnerable to pain.  Yes there are some risks, yet people who are able to achieve intimacy feel that a close relationship is worth the risk of getting hurt.  They can handle the risk because they tend to have high self-esteem, a sense of independence and a healthy respect for others.

Intimacy – You Have To Love Yourself First

Self Esteem

People who succeed in intimate relationships usually start out with a high level of self-esteem.  While they cherish closeness, they already feel complete before they enter a relationship.  They are not looking for someone to complete them or make them feel whole.  They understand they have value whether they are not in or out of a relationship.  The relationship may enhance the way the persons feel about themselves but the person already accepts themselves as an Individual.  They are also able to accept the partner’s individuality and enhance that person’s self-esteem.

Independence

People who are successful with intimacy understand the difference between that state and one of Mutual Dependency. While there is some mutual dependency in every relationship those who constantly rely on someone else are unable to see that there are two unique individuals within each relationship.  There is Oneself and there is the Other Person. Mutually dependent people are able to see themselves only as each is reflected by the other.

Respect

People who succeed in Intimate Relationships understand that Intimacy flourishes in an atmosphere of respect. Respectful partners accept  each other’s individuality but also carry it a step further.  Neither tries to change the other. Discovering what makes one’s partner unique can be one of the prime rewards of an Intimate Relationship

The Couples I see in Couples Counseling typically come in with good self esteem, however, they tend to concentrate on one another and not so much on how they as individuals are contributing to the conflict areas of their particular situation.  In my work in Couples Therapy I help the Individual develop a greater Sense of Self increasing their Self Esteem, encourage Independence within the relationship so that they enhance and not change one another, and learn to love and respect themselves so that they can appreciate the love and respect they receive from their relationship.

Intimacy – You Have To Love Yourself First

Think about whether or not you have the kind of Intimacy you want in your relationship. Are you an Independent person within your relationship where there is Mutual Dependency?  Does your partner have the same Self-Esteem you hold for yourself?

If you would like a deeper level of Intimacy please call me at (858) 735-1139.

How To Affair Proof Your Relationship

How To Affair Proof Your Relationship.  It seems everywhere you turn someone you know is having an affair. I bet you claimed you would never cheat on your partner, right? Who intentionally gets into a relationship and then decides to cheat? It’s devastating to be on either end of that situation as the guilt and betrayal can be overwhelming. It can take up to two years or more for a couple to repair the effects of an affair so wouldn’t it be in everybody’s best interest to prevent one?

How To Affair Proof Your Relationship

Putting the following into practice could prevent the downfall of any relationship:

  • Be the Mature Person you need to be –  A person who is independent within an interdependent relationship makes for a less needy individual.  A less needy individual makes for a more attractive partner.
  • Don’t ignore your spouse’s complaints – Listen to and acknowledge their discomfort about housework, money, in-laws, etc., whether you agree or disagree.  It’s important they feel heard.
  • Be Honest – I’m talking about when you feel an attraction for someone else share that with your partner and talk about the feelings around it.  It’s perfectly normal to fantasize about other people but can be dangerous if acted out.  Telling your partner before something actually happens is less disastrous and painful than having to deal with the consequences of an actual betrayal (affair).
  • Show Appreciation – Telling your partner every day that you appreciate something they have done for you or how they look in appearance is very endearing contrary to any criticisms.
  • Tell your partner what you want – Women tend to think men can read their minds, well they can’t.  You need to tell each other what you want.  How you want your coffee in the morning or what you’d like in bed.  Being open is part of being communicative.
  • Have lots of Sex – (or an agreed upon amount between the two of you); when there is a physical connection often times there is an emotional connection.  When you make the space for your sex you hold your relationship in high regard and validate your partnership in a loving way.  It is during these encounters where sharing honesty and being communicative about your wants and desires that protect you from other people who can come between you and your partner.
  • Develop a Monogamy Agreement that is ideal for your relationship.  (see http://erelationshipadvicecafe.com/the-new-monogamy)

Continue talking to each other about what works in your relationship and what doesn’t.  Every relationship is unique to its own developed agreement.  If you put into practice what you agree upon your relationship should be safe from others trying to infiltrate it.

Call me at (858) 735-1139 for more information about preventing an affair.