When Is It An Emotional Affair?

When is it an emotional affair? In my personal and professional opinion an Emotional Affair becomes a betrayal when intimate information is shared with a person you spend a lot of time with. A buddy at work can easily become more than a buddy at work. If you share more with your “friend” than with your Spouse/Intimate Other, you might be having an Emotional Affair.


When Is It An Emotional Affair?

Emotional affairs are real and typically do start out as friendships.  They are innocent at first usually starting off as online friendships that move on to become more flirtatious. Some studies show that more than 70% of those friendships end up as actual romantic affairs.  Some things to look for to discern if you may be confused about when things become inappropriate or unacceptable:

  • You start talking to a particular person way too much online or at work.
  • You contact them during inappropriate times.  If it’s a work friend then contacting them via text, computer, phone, outside work hours would constitute inappropriate time.
  • Sharing problems or your frustrations about your relationship with them.
  • Talking negatively about your spouse/partner.
  • You start testing the waters with sexy or flirty messages.  You like what you hear and push the envelope to see how far things will go.

  • You meet them for drinks or coffee and don’t tell your partner.
  • You share secrets with each other and not with your spouse.
  • When on the computer your partner walks in on you and you close out your screen.
  • You start exaggerating your problems about home life or your partner.
  • You think about them all the time and constantly check your phone and computer for any contact.

When Is It An Emotional Affair?

When you connect with another person with or without a physical or romantic connection, you are essentially creating a bond with that person to the exclusion of your partner.  Especially when you have established that you can talk negatively about your spouse with this person.  You then set up a close and emotional relationship where this person can fill the needs that your partner can’t. Sometimes people do this unconsciously to see if this person will meet these needs.

Again, it’s perfectly normal to be attracted to someone you have formed an emotional connection with.  It’s just not appropriate to take it to the next step.  If you can relate to this article and think you are involved in an Emotional Affair and afraid you might cheat, it is recommended you talk to your partner sooner rather than later and be honest about your feelings.  If you need help in doing so please give me a call at (858) 735-1139.




















Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage or Relationship?  There are many reasons why an affair occurs. It is most important to understand that an affair affects both people in a relationship.  The healing process can lead a couple to deeper levels of intimacy or a closeness they’ve never shared before.  For Couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner has had an affair it is imperative both parties, despite their own personal pain, try and look within themselves to see how their own behavior contributed to the demise of the once happy and working union.  I am not suggesting the Hurt Partner is to blame in any way.

Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

I am only recommending taking a look at how each person in the partnership may have brought implicit or explicit neglect or abuse into the spiraling down dynamics of their relationship.  I’m not talking about chronic Philanderers or people who have continuous affairs, they’re in an entirely different category.  I’m referring to those who have had an isolated incident in one affair that is creating the need for change within the relationship.

In working with couples who do take a look at their individual part of this devastating situation prognosis is typically better than those who would rather blame the person who had the affair by continuing to berate that person in how they have made their life miserable. Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

When you’re ready to take a look at what happened to the relationship it would be good to seek the help of a Marriage Counselor or Couples Counselor who specializes in Affair Recovery and helping couples get through the process of determining whether they can or want to stay together or move on.  In Couples Counseling the couple will need to acknowledge the problems prior to the affair as sometimes the affair could be a symptom of some other underlying problem.  Just because infidelity strikes your marriage doesn’t mean it has to end in a separation or divorce.  Often times an affair can be the best thing that ever happened to a relationship as it brings an end to a relationship that wasn’t working and gives the couple an opportunity to develop a new relationship by developing a New Monogamy.

A new monogamy explicitly says what is wanted and what is not wanted in moving forward. It helps with affair prevention because both parties discuss and document the specifics on how to behave more appropriately. Marriages don’t have to end because someone stepped out and had an affair.  Marriages don’t have to end due to betrayal.  I have been providing affair recovery services for over 20 years. Because the couples I work with allow me to take them through the affair recovery process, I have a more than 90% success rate. Very few divorce. Nobody wants to leave their primary relationship. Couples have a history together, some may have children, financial resources, and great memories. Affair recovery puts things into perspective, and with time marriages are salvaged.


For more information on developing the relationship you have always wanted please call me (858) 735-1139.

Ending Your Affair With Integrity

Ending your affair with integrity. Just because you made a really bad mistake in choosing to engage in an affair doesn’t mean you have to make another bad mistake and end it in a bad way.  If you are in a sexual or emotional relationship (or both) and realize you need to end it you may owe that person more than just a “sorry, I made a mistake.” If you promised your affair partner a life outside your marriage, lead them to believe you had feelings for them, told them you loved them, shared negative stories about your marriage or your spouse with them, or even hinted that you would leave your marriage then an appropriate way of ending the affair would be with some integrity.

Ending Your Affair With Integrity

Don’t underestimate the impact you’ve made on someone else’s life.  Your affair partner deserves to be treated with some respect.  You were involved in their life and got them involved in yours.  The first step is to end matters in a mature and healthy way.  It’s beneficial to both parties to cut off the affair in a way that clearly defines that you are ending the relationship.

Ending your affair with Integrity makes it so the affair cannot come back later and jeopardize the new monogamy you will be working towards in your relationship.  It also helps the affair partner bring closure to the relationship where if they felt used or disrespected they will unlikely seek revenge by contacting your spouse, employer, other family members or friends, in order to create the same chaos in your life that they feel you have created in theirs.

When you break it off be clear about what you will and will not continue to do.  That you will continue to care about them but that you can no longer speak on the phone or answer their emails.  Set boundaries, especially if the affair was with someone at work keeping contact professional and polite.  Make amends and show empathy. Admit ambivalence as you have regrets but make it clear you need to end the relationship. Thank them for anything you feel is appropriate and share that working on your marriage and your relationship with your spouse is your priority.

Like any loss you will undergo a process of grief. You will feel guilt and remorse about hurting your spouse. The best way to move forward is to bring yourself back into your marriage.  Marriage Counseling with a Counselor who specializes in working with Affair Recovery can help you sit down and talk about what you each want for your New Monogamy together and what it will take to make it work.

Call me at (858) 735-1139 if you would like help in creating a new and sustainable marriage.


Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage? Are Threesomes Good For Your Relationship?  Threesomes may or may not be good for marriages. I’ve been working with a Couple in Marriage Counseling who have been married for 7 years. In their third year they wanted to try a Three way at the request of her husband with another female. After careful thought and consideration they both decided to go forward with his fantasy. Remember fantasies are to be discussed first where both partners are made to feel comfortable before putting anything into action.

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Initially the dynamics of three ways was working reasonable well. The sexual component was to everyone’s liking and no one felt left out. It wasn’t until the husband and the third person started to engage in extra encounters with one another without informing the wife.This made for secretive behavior and distrust became an issue for the wife. A betrayal had been committed as the initial agreement stated all would be present when engaging in sexual activity.

During the affair between the husband and 3rd person a mutual feeling of infatuation and feelings of love developed.  This is common as the couple is still in the Honeymoon Phase of the relationship.  The sexual tension creates even more desire for one another fueling the intense feelings of arousal and desire.  The wife feeling betrayed in this once agreed upon arrangement is now the Hurt party as her husband is now having an affair with this third person who was initially utilized to add sexual arousal and desire to their own relationship.

So the question is do Three ways work? They can IF the Couple is able to have an honest discussion about what they want from the experience and how they go about executing it. Often times a three way is desired to add variety and arousal to an already satisfactory sex life.  It can also enhance the sexual experience for those who want to explore an open relationship. The mere fact that someone else desires our partner makes them even more attractive to us resulting in a more heightened sexual encounter/experience.  As long as the couple understands the third person is to ENHANCE their sex and not replace one another throughout the process. Keeping the communication open between the couple before, during and after the physical activities should keep their relationship in check.

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Some people believe it is possible to love more than one person and engage in loving making (sex) with those individuals which makes for a Polyamorous relationship.  Polyamory (from Greek, meaning “many” or “several”, and Latin amor, “love”) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.  It is distinct from swinging, which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational.  3-Ways are distinct from swinging in that swinging involves multiples partners for each with their own set of agreements.  three ways typically include two females and a male or two males and a female.

Whatever the combination in Couples Counseling I help Couples understand that it is vitally important to make implicit expectations explicit to keep the integrity in their relationship. For more information please call me at (858) 735-1139

Regaining Your Sex Life After An Affair

Regaining Your Sex Life After An Affair.  Erotic Recovery is what is referred to as regaining your sex life after an affair.

Is Erotic Recovery possible after an affair?  When infidelity hits home and that ultimate betrayal comes between the two of you who can possibly want to be close to your partner again emotionally let alone physically.  Despite the mixed emotions of wanting to have sex and not wanting to have sex, indulging in sex at this time can be due to the emotional distance the affair has put between the two of you triggering a new and more intense connection.  Many couples are embarrassed to talk about this increase in sexual activity that happens immediately in the aftermath of an affair.  They don’t want their partners to think they are forgiven or the affair is forgotten.  The affair is what makes the sex feel so intense now.  However, not wanting sex at this time is creating a wall between the two of you blocking any desire for any kind of intimacy.

Much therapy on infidelity focuses on trust and forgiveness, overlooking direct repair of the couple’s sexual relationship. Infidelity is an Erotic Injury to a relationship and must be repaired through a step by step erotic recovery process in order for a committed partnership to move forward.  An Erotic Injury means that the partner who has been cheated on experiences an undermining of erotic confidence because of the infidelity (Dr. Tammy Nelson author “The New Monogamy.”)  Sexual self-esteem questions like “Am I still attractive to my partner? or Do I still have what it takes to be in a sexual relationship?” come up and time is needed to regain confidence in the bedroom.  There are stages of erotic recovery to reintroduce sexual connection, reestablish erotic function and renew the relationship.   I help couples in Couples Counseling revive desire and create a new vision of Monogamy for those who choose to stay together after infidelity.

The process includes:

  1. Creating a weekly Sex Date.

  2. Focusing on Sensuality and Touch as the goal instead of Intercourse.

  3. Using nonverbal language to connect during sex.

  4. Appreciating what is working in your sex life rather than what is not working.

  5. Staying present during sex, not thinking about the past or the future.

A new monogamy vision includes a more conscious commitment where the couple creates a monogamy agreement that is renewable and flexible. This new vision of a stronger relationship creates a more sustainable monogamy and a more hopeful future where implicit betrayal moves into empathy and a more passionate, mature connection.  Exploring your erotic life together is a means of continuing to communicate and expand sharing your most authentic self and deepest desires.  Affair recovery when exercised successfully enables individuals to feel heard and seen in a way that they never have until now.  Call me at (858) 735-1139 to learn more about your erotic recovery.