Are You Getting The Sex You Want?

Sharing Fantasies With Your Partner

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Sharing Fantasies With Your Partner.  Studies indicate couples who regularly indulge in sharing and/or acting out their fantasies with one another tend to have a solid, happy and pleasurable relationship.  Sharing your fantasies with your partner is a healthy step in creating a long-lasting and passionate relationship.  It’s important to develop your own erotic and sexual self.  At some point in your relationship, you may feel drawn to share more of yourself with your partner as your own sexual self-esteem and self-confidence increases.  Creating a trusting union happens when you each can trust that you can share your deepest and most authentic desires with one another.

Sharing Fantasies

All warm-blooded creatures have sex.  What separates us from the animal kingdom is our capacity to eroticize sex.  We use our minds and bodies to have sex.  We use our imagination to create erotic scenes and fantasies to fuel our passion.  Imagination has no bounds.  Fantasizing doesn’t mean you actually have to act on any of the things you fantasize about.  Erotic imagination includes three things:  curiosity, fantasy, and erotic action. Within the spectrum of fantasies is the way power is distributed.  Whether you are submissive or dominant, receptive or directive. As couples talk about their fantasies remember that anything is normal and there are no judgments or criticisms of them. Erotic curiosities about someone or something doesn’t necessarily mean you fantasize about these things as much as they can just be passing thoughts.

As a Marriage Counselor, I help my couples talk about their fantasies and have them normalize the process where there are no judgments or criticisms of them.  Erotic curiosities about someone or something doesn’t necessarily mean you fantasize about these things as much as they can just be passing thoughts.  The conversation initiates a sexual arousal that can translate in and out of the bedroom. Fantasies are thoughts and pictures in your mind that may include people or scenarios that turn you on.  Sometimes these fantasies are shared with your partner other times they are kept secret. These fantasies can come to mind when masturbating or having sex with your partner.  When fantasies stay on a fantasy level they can serve as erotic energy and fuel your sexual relationship. If you want to take your fantasies into reality and make them happen it is important to clarify with your partner which of those fantasies you actually want to act out.

Sharing Fantasies

In Marriage counseling, one way to explore your fantasies is to begin to explore the things you are curious about.  Whether curious about ways to pleasure one another, oral sex, different positions, bondage, watching pornography, same-gender sex, orgasms, etc., talk about and see how you feel about the topic. The higher the level of curiosity the more likely you or your partner will have a fantasy about the erotic thought.  The conversation alone will present as hot and bring much energy and fuel into the relationship.  Raising the heat and passion between you spices up your sex life creating more arousal and desire.

Fantasies are a way to create an erotic connection between you and your partner.  It is healthy and can create a long-lasting and passionate relationship for ongoing erotic energy to make for great sex and lovemaking.  Continuing to communicate and expand your desires and create a trusting relationship happens when each of you can share your deepest and most authentic desires.  Being able to be vulnerable is being able to take risks in sharing thoughts and feelings.  Taking risks makes for developing and creating a deeper level of intimacy.

Sharing Fantasies

In Marriage Counseling you acquire the tools to do just that.  For more information on talking about how to share your fantasies with your partner please give me a call at (858) 735-1139.

 

Why Some Women Wear High Heels

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Why Some Women Wear High Heels.  Last month I wrote about why some women wear red lipstick.  Red lipstick and wearing high heels can imply a sexual connotation to some people.  But can wearing high heels be an implicit invitation to sex?  In an article entitled, “The Psychology of High Heels,” by Michael Castleman, he states four French researchers do find that women wearing high heels increase men’s attractiveness to them.  These experiments confirm what women have intuitively known for generations that high heels attract male attention.  The reasons being heel height:

1.  Makes a woman’s breast appear larger as the heel causes the back to arch, which thrust the breasts forward.

2.  Can make the buttocks appear larger as heels lift them.

3.  Enables women’s hips and buttocks to sway more while walking because the heels shorten their gait.

4.  Have their feet appear smaller.  Wearing higher heels make women’s feet look more petite and, therefore, more attractive.  The Chinese use to bind their female children’s feet to appear more attractive to suitors.

5.  Calves muscle up your legs making for a more athletic appearance.

As a Marriage Counselor working in private practice I don’t always have the luxury of wearing outfits that make me appear sexy.  I do on occasion wear attractive clothing to role model for my female clientele how to be and feel more confident in themselves, as well, as their partner.

Wearing high heels is desirable but does come at a significant cost.  They are uncomfortable and can be quite painful. They create blisters, ingrown toenails, and nerve damage to feet and legs.  They increase foot soreness, ankle sprains falls, and plantar fasciitis (pain in the heel and bottom of the foot).

At the end of the day, I experience cramping and I have Bunions.  My feet are tortured when I wear high heels, but by golly, my legs look good! Throughout my young adult years, wearing high heels gave me the confidence to “take on the day.”  I felt sexy and full of energy.  I would wear high heels traveling on business trips and walk from airport gate to gate attracting the eye of males and females.  As a young mother, I would pick up my daughter from elementary school in high heels and cute dresses rather than sweats and tennis shoes.  My daughter took pride in the way I dressed and is now a nicely dressed adult with a closet full of high end high heeled shoes she struts in to feel confident during her days at the office.  Confidence compliments an already great work ethic.  So if you know you are good at what you do why not look the part?

Exuding confidence shows you know what you are doing.  As a Marriage Counselor and Sex Therapist, I am able to share with my clients how to get the sex they want.  Starting a dialogue about what they want in their sex life and having effective ongoing communication about what that looks and feels like will definitely get them the sex they’ve always wanted.

You don’t have to take my advice about what to wear on your feet.  But if you want to look and feel sexy for the guy who rocks your world try on a pair of high heels and strut around your bedroom in your birthday suit and see what happens!  I have, and I can honestly say, “I have the sex I want.”

 

Call me at (858) 735-1139 for more information about how to get the sex you want.

 

 

 

 

 

Jumpstart Your Sex For The Week

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Jumpstart Your Sex For The Week.  We all have stressful days during our work week.  As a Marriage Counselor I get questions like, “I commute and work long hours and when I come home for the day all I want to do is get into my house clothes, eat dinner, grab a glass of wine and veg in front of the t.v.  I don’t have any energy for much else especially sex.  What can I do to get myself in the mood?”  This wife isn’t intentionally committing relationship suicide, but without professional intervention or Couples Counseling, they could be on a downhill spiral where coming back could present a challenge.
When you come home for the day do you go straight for the mail?  Give your husband a quick hello kiss then attend to the pets or kids?  Are you still on your cell phone answering just one more message?  We live in such a goal-oriented society where making money and getting ahead in our career is top priority.  We forget how to play and have fun.  There is no balance in our work life and play life.  If couples put in the same effort into their sex life as they do in their work life they could experience that energy they had at the beginning of their relationship.
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Eroticism at home requires active engagement and willful intent.  It doesn’t just happen.  It requires you carve out and create your own space where a sense of intrigue and curiosity can emerge.  Sex Therapist and Author Ester Perel offers some tips to jumpstart your sex for the week:

1. Build anticipation throughout the day
Committed sex is premeditated. Anticipation and imagination are the precursors and can be as enchanting as the act itself. For example, imagine you have tickets to go hear a favorite band. Throughout the day, you’ll be savoring the thought of the songs they may play, what you’ll wear, the memories that you will share, of other times you saw this band, etc. Unconsciously, you’re setting expectations and building anticipation for a wonderful night, and you feel energized and alive. It is the same sexually speaking.

• Let your partner know that tonight, you want to create a digital free zone in the home and all devices are cut off at 9:30pm.
• Send a suggestive text or email to your partner.
• Buy wine, lube or flowers on your lunch break: whatever invites love-making in your unique dynamic.

2. Create and maintain a relaxing ritual at the end of the day
No matter whether you commute, or work from home, you must mark the end of your work day by entering a soothing ritual of your choice. It can be an indulgent, playful, or a guilty pleasure. Shift your context by sending a message to your brain: it’s time to start relaxing. If you spend most of your day sitting down, try incorporating any movement into your ritual. If you’re on your feet, try reading or listening to music. Go for a walk. Take a shower. Read a magazine. Whatever works for you.

3. Connect with your partner when you get home
Are you the person who comes into the house and looks at the mail first, or checks the pets, or the plants, or the windows? If so, remember this: People first. It’s important to give your relationship your focused attention. Make it a habit to kiss your partner when you get home. It doesn’t need to be blatantly sexual. It’s the focused attention that invites the erotic. Even a loving gaze sets the right tone.

4. Change the mood and ambiance
Create the space in which you transition from your roles as parents/business partners/friends, into your roles as lovers. Shift from focusing on your responsibility for others to self care. Again, no pressure, even if there is no sex, you’ll enjoy being physical and sensual together. Here are some simple ideas to set the stage:
• Put on your pre-set love making tracks
• Take a short walk
• Open a bottle of wine
• Draw a bath
• Light candles
• Read out loud to each other (not about the election)

These are not immediate turn ons, but they help you switch mindset, mood, and sensibility. The point is to create an erotic space where pleasure exists for its own sake, where “pleasure is the measure” and where sex can take place without pressure. By successfully managing the transition from work to home, you can create space to enter a playful erotic zone.

For more information about how to enhance your sex life please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Are You Getting The Sex You Want?

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Getting the sex you want.  Are You Getting The Sex You Want?  Over the past 20 years while working with couples I have observed couples having a greater likelihood of staying together when they improve their sexual communication skills.  Learning to communicate about sex can help you become a better lover and deepen the passion between you and your partner.  Some couples come in having what they refer to as “vanilla” sex.  They say it was good at the beginning of their relationship but want something more to spice things up.  Others come in with an already established “erotic” life but want to push the limits even further.  Wherever you lie on the sex spectrum following some simple directives can add variety to your sex and increase your sex drive for an even more intimate connection.

If you aren’t in the habit about talking to your partner about your fantasies then who do you talk to them about?  Whoever is the recipient of those kinds of discussions is the one you will eventually establish the emotional/sexual connection with.  Talking about your innermost secrets makes you vulnerable.  Being vulnerable means you take risks in sounding or appearing “real or genuine.”  Often times people don’t want to appear “real” as they want to look like someone or something else.  A better or more perfect version of themselves.  When they do that they not only deceive themselves but are not truthful to whoever they are talking to, often times the person they want to become their intimate partner.  When you can be honest and forthcoming  about thoughts and feelings you become a better communicator.  When you can share your sexual expectations and fantasies with your partner you get the sex you want.

For more information about getting the sex you want please call me at (858) 735-1139.