becoming me

Concentrating On Yourself

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Concentrating On Yourself. Do you know what you want in life? Do you know how to get it? Often when I ask my clients what they want, they say they don’t know. I’m not surprised to hear this because I’ve been in their shoes, thinking that same way. When couples come in wanting to know how to make their relationship better I tell them to stop concentrating on one another and concentrate on “self.”

Concentrating on yourself develops your “me.” Without a good sense of me, you may not be able to find the “we” that best suits you. The world is full of all kinds of people we can love, but not all align well with your “me.” In looking for the right partner you have to be the right partner. Healthy couples consists of two independent people living in an interdependent relationship. A happy me makes for a happy we. My newly launched book, entitled, Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship, helps you understand that key relationship conflicts stem from one partner not knowing what he or she wants and not knowing how to get it, much less knowing how to ask for it. That realization is the basis for the book.

Most of us don’t know how to “do” relationships. Everything we know about relationships, we learned from our parents. Unfortunately, they also learned about relationships from their parents. It’s a deadly trap that’s no one’s fault. Our parents can’t help that their relationship skills, good or bad, and their resulting marriage were passed down from their own parents. Because we are products of our childhood, it’s imperative we identify and resolve personal issues that affect all our relationships, not just our romantic ones. In order to do that we have to know what it is we want and be assertive enough to get it.

When you make decisions for yourself based on what you want and not what someone else wants for you, you develop a good sense of self. Personal awareness helps you concentrate on yourself. Personal awareness is all about knowing and understanding yourself. Concentrating on yourself enables you to know what you want and what you don’t want. With that knowledge, you can make good decisions about whom you want as a partner and who you want to be as a partner.

For more information on developing a sense of self through concentrating on yourself contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139

How To Get The Relationship You Want

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How To Get The Relationship You Want. Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship. I launched my new book on September 23, 2020 to commemorate my 62nd birthday. For three decades I’ve been working with individuals and couples helping them know what they want as an individual so they know what they want in a partner. When I ask my clients what is it they want, most say they have no idea. This is not surprising to me because I, too, once said that years ago. In my first marriage and before I became a licensed marriage and family therapist, I did’t understand the concept of being an individual within a relationship. I thought my husband and I had to do everything together. When we did not, I became insecure and acted out those feelings inappropriately. I had what I refer to as adult tantrums when I didn’t get what I wanted from my husband. Needless to say, quite immature. He often told me to “grow up” which made me even angrier. I dated my high school sweetheart for seven years and married him right out of college. The marriage lasted nine years and produced our daughter. My former husband used to tell me that married couples should be able to do things outside the relationship.

Women getting the relationship she wants

As a young girl I learned from my family of origin that a good provider would make a good husband. As I bought into the tenets of a patriarchal society I was the woman behind the man. I focused more on who I was going to be with than who I was going to become. I put a lot of time and energy into getting other people’s needs met rather than concentrating on myself. Concentrating on yourself develops your ME. Without a good sense of Me, you may not be able to find the WE that best suits you. The world is full of all kinds of people we can love, but not all align with your ME.

I developed and utilize six steps to help my clients know themselves so they know what they want in a relationship. By using the six steps, you will find your ME – first, before all else – so you don’t jump into finding We before you are ready. These steps empower you to understand what you need and go get it. When you know what you need and want, you won’t want to settle. You won’t want to partner up so easily or go about it backward. You won’t stay in bad situations just because you don’t want to be alone, or because grieving the loss of the relationship is too hard. The six steps to know yourself so you know what you want in a relationship:

  1. Intuition
  2. Courage
  3. Emotions
  4. Insight
  5. Boundaries
  6. Choice

A healthy relationship can be yours. What you need is the intuition to understand what you already know you want, the courage to go after the things you need, and the understanding of your own emotions and those of others so you can talk honestly with your partner.

You need insight into what you think and feel about information you’ve discovered. You want clear boundaries and a sense of “groundedness” during difficult conversations.  You need to know how to be assertive and put yourself first in a relationship that evolves to nurture both partners. Finally, you need to make strong choices based on who you are and what you want.

For more information contact go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139