What Is Breakup Sex?

What Is Breakup Sex? Breakup sex is the bittersweet, passionate sex you have with your partner shortly after or shortly before breaking up with them. Some people consider breakup sex to be even better than make-up sex. The exciting nature of “goodbye” sex is due to its unique circumstances: This is the last chance to enjoy sex with each other. Sometimes breakup sex can be the best sex ever. In other words, “one for the road,” “the last hurrah.”

goodbye kiss

Couple kissing during breakup sex

The psychology behind breakup sex reveals why this questionable decision can feel super hot and awesome in the moment. Sex is exciting when their are no other expectations than arriving at an orgasm. Breakup sex can also be some form of denial that the relationship will actually be over. Having breakup sex can be seen as an implicit way of saying the relationship is not over.

Breakup sex as one facet in the drawn-out process of ending a relationship. Most people think relational collapses are an immediate event when in fact, they aren’t.  Instead, breaking up is part of an ongoing process.  And having sex one last time can be an important part of letting go of that person. Sometimes it helps couples find closure in a healthy way. Breakup sex helps a couple move past feelings of sadness and literally feel better. It can be healing because it has the power to validate certain parts of the relationship that may have once worked well.

Sometimes breakup sex can be a last ditch effort to save the relationship. If the decision is to terminate their relationship break up sex could be a means to engage in sex after their breakup. And to have what is also known as “friends with benefits” and “hook-ups.”

With the release of Dopamine, people can feel close to their sex partners.  It’s important to understand that sex with or without an emotional connection can weigh heavy on our psyche.

For more information about breakup sex contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

Reclamation Sex – what exactly is it?

Reclamation Sex – what exactly is it? What is reclamation? Simply put, reclamation is the process of claiming something back or of reasserting a right. For example, “the reclamation of our shared history.” Reclamation sex in Affair Recovery is when the affair partner and the hurt partner engage in sex after an affair is discovered or disclosed.  As a marriage therapist and affair recovery specialist, couples come in to see if they can or want to salvage their marriage. “Should I stay or should I go” is a question the hurt partner wants desperately to know. During the initial session where both share their narratives they say they are having sex with each other despite the range of emotions from the affair. They say they have been having more sex with each other than ever before. Both feel it is an implicit message to one another that the affair will be resolved and they will get back to their normal lives. They think having a lot of sex with each other during recovery minimizes the affair partner’s behavior and repairs the problems that lead to the affair.

photo credit: Natalia Mindru Photomicona
couple exercising reclamation sex after an affair

This is far from being true. Sex is happening because the partners want to reclaim their love for each other. They want to reclaim their bodies to each other as there exists a breach in physical boundaries. The act of sex is symbolic in that they are the primary relationship and any third party is not part of union. The hurt partner may be having a lot of sex to keep the affair partner from any more contact with the “lover.” The “other woman” presents a threat to the primary relationship, and as a dog marks its territory so does do the people in affair recovery. The affair partner may be having a lot of sex to make up for the guilt and shame and to show remorse for devastating the hurt partner. Showing each other physical intimacy helps reassure any insecurities for the time being.

In affair recovery we talk about the reasons for the affair. The process helps the affair partner gain some insight to his/her behavior and why he/she went down that bad road. To be able to articulate that insight to the hurt partner while the hurt partner learns to appropriately manage their emotions is the single best indicator that prognosis will be good.

Couples therapist

Having sex with your partner after an affair is actually quite normal. There is no judgement or criticism while in affair recovery. Information gathering to obtain insight is crucial to recovery. And having sex in the meantime doesn’t necessarily mean one way or the other for the future of the relationship.

For more information about reclamation sex and affair recovery please visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

Is Your Husband Depressed?

Is Your Husband Depressed? Depression isn’t just a female condition. It’s true depression is more common in females than in males.  The prevalence is due to biological, hormonal and social factors unique to women, however, depression isn’t just a female thing. The National Institute of Mental Health  (NIMH) shows in a 2017 study the following:

  • An estimated 17.3 million adults in the United States had at least one major depressive episode. This number represented 7.1% of all U.S. adults.
  • The prevalence of major depressive episode was higher among adult females (8.7%) compared to males (5.3%).

Man in denial about his depression

Depression is not to be taken lightly. Clinical depression goes far beyond “having a bad day.” We tend not to recognize depression in men because the disorder itself is looked at as unmanly. Depression carries the stain of stigma of mental illness and also the stigma of femininity. Women in a relationship with a depressed man are often faced with a painful dilemma.  As a marriage counselor, couples come in to see me for communication issues, loss of intimacy, and infidelity. Often times the presenting problems have underlying issues of male depression.

Women married to depressed men have two options. They can either confront him about his depression or collude with him minimizing it. There’s already a certain amount of shame that goes with having depression in general, but for a man, it is shame filled and shameful. Depression in men goes unrecognized and unacknowledged by the men who suffer and by those around them. The hidden condition is enormous. Men and women handle feelings differently. Females are socialized to allow for emotional expressiveness and foster emotional connection while being systematically discouraged from asserting their authentic selves. Males are socialized to greatly encourage their assertive public selves while being discouraged from exercising emotional connectedness and developing skills for making and appreciating that connection.

As a result, men tend to internalize their feelings and when these feelings are left suppressed or repressed, they can erupt like a volcano. Depression in some men can manifest itself through rage, aggressiveness, withdrawal, irritability, and frustration. Physical symptoms include headaches, feelings of restlessness, agitation, appetite change, fatigue to name a few. Alcohol and drug abuse/dependency, as well as working long hours at the job, is another sign where the underlying issue is depression.

No two people are affected the same way by depression and there is no “one-size-fits-all” for treatment. Typically medication and talk therapy is the mode of treatment. As a marriage and family therapist, men I work with are opposed to medication as they think taking medication is a sign of weakness. I tell them if they had Leukemia or Diabetes they would surely have no qualms about taking them. In addition to medication and counseling men can incorporate some of these tips to managing their depression:

  • Regularize your schedule. Eat, sleep, exercise at the same time.
  • Try to be active and exercise.
  • Set realistic goals for yourself.
  • Try to spend time with other people and confide in a trusted friend or relative.
  • Try not to isolate yourself, and let others help you.
  • Expect your mood to improve gradually, not immediately.
  • Postpone important decisions. Discuss decisions with others who know you well and have a more objective view of your situation.
  • Continue to educate yourself about depression.

Couples therapist

It may take some trial and error to find the treatment that works best for you but doing nothing will have you feeling and doing more of the same. Contact me at (858) 735-1139 or email me at [email protected] for more information about male depression and what it’s doing to you and your family.

 

Is Your Husband Narcissistic?

Is Your Husband Narcissistic? Losing Your Sense Of Self?  Maybe Your Husband Is A Narcissist. Narcissists say things to invalidate you.  Are you a fair and reasonable person? Do you feel like you’re going “crazy” in your relationship because you feel invisible and worthless? Maybe it’s not you. In a healthy relationship, your partner will show empathy for your emotions and validate your thoughts/perspective. With validation people feel seen and heard. Although I talk about a narcissistic husband, women can also display same behaviors.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental illness in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance. It is likely caused by genetic and environmental factors. Treatment can help but the condition cannot be cured. Whether your husband has NPD or narcissistic traits, living with them can be very challenging. As a Marriage Counselor, acquiring communication tools can help if exercised with consistency. Just like any skill, communication skills need to be practiced to become perfected.

Things narcissists say to invalidate emotions, thoughts, and experiences:

  • You’re making a big deal out of nothing
  • You don’t know what you’re talking about
  • Don’t be so lame, you’ll be fine
  • I don’t remember saying that
  • Give you the silent treatment (to be punitive or controlling)

Narcissistic traits: to name a few

Over inflated sense of self

Reacts poorly to criticism

Unable to take responsibility for their actions

Manipulates to get their own way

Unable to See You as a Real Person

Reality is their own reality – unable to see other people’s perspective

Thinks they are always right

Takes advantage of other people

Lie

Couples therapistWhat does it mean when someone is invalidating you?

 

It is the act of purposefully denying, rejecting, minimizing, negatively judging, and/or ignoring your expressed experience, thoughts, actions, or emotions, – Narcwise

As a Marriage Counselor, working with couples where one partner shows narcissistic traits, I bring to their attention arguing with a narcissist about their action often proves fruitless. A more successful solution is to establish boundaries and emotionally distance yourself. Recognize that you may not be able to control your feelings about a person, but you can control how you respond to them. Cutting ties with a narcissistic partner, family member, or boss may eventually be the best if not the only solution.

For more information on narcissistic husbands contact me at (858)735-1139 or via my website at www.couplescounselorsandiego.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Someone You Know Is Cheating

When Someone You Know Is Cheating. If someone you know is having an affair what do you do about it? Whether the cheater is a close friend or an acquaintance the first step is to be honest with yourself about your motives. Do you have a close relationship where they know you really care about them? Are you concerned about what’s best for them, not just concerned that they meet your moral standards?

When someone you know is having an affair are you able to avoid seeing them as a bad person for their actions and that there are many factors that brought them to this position? As a Marriage Counselor, I have clients who don’t want to get involved and are either understanding to the cheater’s set of circumstances, albeit not condoning it, or are judgmental “riding” that high horse with criticism. It’s an uncomfortable decision to make as you can be deemed a nosy meddler rather than a concerned friend worried about the ramifications of what the affair can do to their future. It makes for a vulnerable situation on your part as you can end up losing your friendship or having a closer bond as a result of the risk taken in sharing scary stuff.

Whether to disclose or not to disclose the affair rests on what your intentions are as the discussion will be likely received in the spirit in which it was offered. As a Marriage Counselor and Affair Recovery Specialist, I concur with what exactly are the intentions? If you are not clear as to why you want to disclose, then don’t! My recommendation is to talk to a counselor to help you process your thoughts and feelings then determine how you will follow through on what you want to do. You may want to tell, you may choose not to tell, or you can do nothing. What you don’t want to do is share this information with someone other than perhaps your spouse. The information is private and not yours to gossip about.

Call me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com for more information about affairs, infidelity, or affair recovery.