When Are People Most Likely To Cheat?

When Are People Most Likely To Cheat? There appears to be a rise in infidelity with social media and a plethora of dating/hookup sites available at a click of a switch or a swipe of a hand.  Men and women cheat for many different reasons. Some men are looking for friendships in affairs while some women are looking for affection and vice versa.  As a Marriage Counselor and Affair Recovery Specialist, I’ve come to believe people cheat because sometimes it’s just easier to be different with a different person.  There are many facets of our selves. Infidelity keeps some of those facets alive when others have become numb. There are signs that indicate whether or not a partner is cheating. We often associate summer with flings and fun, but new data shows it’s also the season for something a little more sinister, like the most popular time for cheating.

When Are People Most Likely To Cheat?

When Are People Most Likely To Cheat? Time of year is one sign.  According to Daniel Kruger, evolutionary psychologist, there is a surge in cheating during the summer months as warmer weather enables people to socialize more.  With more exposure to the sun there is an increased level of serotonin where people feel happier.

With sun exposure during those summer months people tend to feel more confident making it easier to kick start the decision to start an affair, allowing them to feel better about their decision. Dr. Kruger states, “increased chances to be unfaithful” during summer months enables the rise of affairs to the fact that people are generally more social in warmer weather.

Travelling makes for possible high risk to cheat.  Being away from your partner makes for convenience and access to having an affair.  Business trips can be stressful and finding a partner for a one night stand is not unusual.

Disharmony within the primary relationship can make infidelity more of a reality than a fantasy.  When couples don’t feel emotionally or physically connected a third person can become a substitute for that loss.

Many people cheat so they can remain in their relationship/marriage.  The reasoning being they want to keep their family together.  Not all people who engage in affairs are disgruntled in their relationship.  Some people just want to feel something different or manage a non physical or emotional disconnect.

For information about when people are more likely to cheat  contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Life Expectancy Of Extramarital Affairs

Life Expectancy Of Extramarital Affairs. Finding out your partner has cheated on you is probably the most devastating piece of news you’ll ever hear. Whether you discovered the affair or it was disclosed to you it hurts like hell. The pain we experience feels like an attack on our body. It’s almost surprising just how much it can hurt. Your first response may be shock which then turns into panic. Of course, you’ll feel anger, but anger is secondary to the range of emotions you’ll be experiencing. Feelings of hurt, disappointed, sadness, and betrayal are typically the underlying emotions to anger. Finding out about the affair either blindsides you or confirms some suspicion you’ve had for some time. Betrayal makes us feel unsafe.

Life Expectancy Of Extramarital Affairs

With infidelity, there is the affair partner (the cheater) and the hurt partner. In Affair Recovery the couple talks about whether they want to stay together or move on . Affair recovery helps determine whether saving the marriage is feasible.

How long do extra marital affair last? Extramarital affairs vary in duration. About 50% may last between one month to a year. Long term affairs may last for about 15 months or more. And about 30% of affairs last about two years and beyond.  And some can last a lifetime.

As an Affair Recovery Specialist, I work with couples whose affairs consist of a one night stand to ones that continued for more than a decade. Tools are acquired but the single most indicator in moving forward is the affair partner’s ability to articulate his/her insight about why the affair happened and why it won’t happen again, while the hurt partner appropriately manages their emotions for the long haul. Affair recovery is three steps forward and two steps backward until enough time goes by for stability.

I have successfully worked with couples on both ends of the spectrum with much success. Being able to save your relationship rests on your desire to want to. That, coupled with affair recovery with me, can make that happen.

Please contact me for an appointment at (858) 735-1139 or through my website: CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

 

Infidelity In The Time Of Coronavirus

Infidelity In The Time Of Coronavirus. With social distancing and being semi-quarantined to our homes it’s harder than ever to physically meet up with people with whom to cheat. According to the New York Post, Ashley Madison, a dating site that encourages people to have affairs is seeing a surge in users. Some are just looking to chat with someone other than their spouse, some are seeking emotional validation or the fantasy of pursuing a secret sex life. As a Marriage Counselor and Affair Recovery Specialist, I haven’t seen an increase in people having affairs as much as I see a constant. People who want to cheat will cheat. People have affairs for many different reasons. Men and women have affairs even if they are in happy relationships. I don’t condone this, but I don’t judge or criticize either. Affairs enable a person to feel a sense of aliveness. The newness of any new thing is exciting. And like all new things that become normalized so do those new relationships. Normalization includes whatever they were trying to escape from in their primary relationship.

Infidelity In The Time Of Coronavirus

The rise in infidelity in the time of Coronavirus makes sites like Ashley Madison attractive as it is used as a release valve for the tension that’s built up at home.

Popular pet peeves of couples engaging affairs during quarantine based on 2,047 respondents:

58% “They have not initiated any sexual intimacy

28% “They are glued to their device”

19% “They are rude, moody, and/or constantly picking fights with me”

18% “They never give me any space or time to myself”

15% “they are messy and I’m constantly cleaning up after them”

Biggest benefit of an affair during isolation:

34% It’s something to look forward to

23% It’s a great distraction

14% I have someone to talk to

13% I can maintain some normalcy

10% It keeps my libido up

Members were asked if they’re trying to spice up their sex life with their spouses while socially distancing.  76% of respondents said no. As an Affair Recovery Specialist, a remedy for couples who have difficulty with monogamy is developing a New Monogamy.  A new monogamy agreement is designed with both partners’ input.

Just like love in the time of coronavirus, infidelity in the time of coronavirus is an opportunity to think about what you want in life moving forward. If the last 9 weeks have been unhappy being isolated at home do something about it. As a Marriage Counselor, I see some couples who have become closer due to the proximity of time and space. For others, that time and space adds to their unhappiness. A woman I’m working with said her husband doesn’t interact with her at all. She said it feels lonely while being in her relationship. She also said she’s taking this time to reassess her marriage as status quo is no longer wanted.

Rather than say, “life is short, have an affair,” how about saying “live is too short to live in a relationship that isn’t working for me.” Pick either option 1 – keep status quo, option 2 – move forward with an action plan, or option 3 – move on and find another life that best suits you.

If reassessing your relationship because of infidelity is something you know you want to do please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Decide what your “new normal” is going to look like.

 

 

 

 

 

Reclamation Sex – What Exactly Is It?

Reclamation Sex – what exactly is it? What is reclamation? Simply put, reclamation is the process of claiming something back or of reasserting a right. For example, “the reclamation of our shared history.” Reclamation sex in Affair Recovery is when the affair partner and the hurt partner engage in sex after an affair is discovered or disclosed.  As a marriage therapist and affair recovery specialist, couples come in to see if they can or want to salvage their marriage. “Should I stay or should I go” is a question the hurt partner wants desperately to know. During the initial session where both share their narratives they say they are having sex with each other despite the range of emotions from the affair. They say they have been having more sex with each other than ever before. Both feel it is an implicit message to one another that the affair will be resolved and they will get back to their normal lives. They think having a lot of sex with each other during recovery minimizes the affair partner’s behavior and repairs the problems that lead to the affair. Reclamation Sex – What Exactly Is It?

photo credit: Natalia Mindru Photomicona
Reclamation Sex – What Exactly Is It?

This is far from being true. Sex is happening because the partners want to reclaim their love for each other. They want to reclaim their bodies to each other as there exists a breach in physical boundaries. The act of sex is symbolic in that they are the primary relationship and any third party is not part of union. The hurt partner may be having a lot of sex to keep the affair partner from any more contact with the “lover.” The “other woman” presents a threat to the primary relationship, and as a dog marks its territory so does do the people in affair recovery. The affair partner may be having a lot of sex to make up for the guilt and shame and to show remorse for devastating the hurt partner. Showing each other physical intimacy helps reassure any insecurities for the time being.

In affair recovery we talk about the reasons for the affair. The process helps the affair partner gain some insight to his/her behavior and why he/she went down that bad road. To be able to articulate that insight to the hurt partner while the hurt partner learns to appropriately manage their emotions is the single best indicator that prognosis will be good.

Couples therapist

Having sex with your partner after an affair is actually quite normal. There is no judgement or criticism while in affair recovery. Information gathering to obtain insight is crucial to recovery. And having sex in the meantime doesn’t necessarily mean one way or the other for the future of the relationship.

For more information about reclamation sex and affair recovery please visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

When Someone You Know Is Cheating

When Someone You Know Is Cheating. If someone you know is having an affair what do you do about it? Whether the cheater is a close friend or an acquaintance the first step is to be honest with yourself about your motives. Do you have a close relationship where they know you really care about them? Are you concerned about what’s best for them, not just concerned that they meet your moral standards?

When Someone You Know Is Cheating

When someone you know is having an cheating are you able to avoid seeing them as a bad person for their actions and that there are many factors that brought them to this position? As a Marriage Counselor, I have clients who don’t want to get involved and are either understanding to the cheater’s set of circumstances, albeit not condoning it, or are judgmental “riding” that high horse with criticism. It’s an uncomfortable decision to make as you can be deemed a nosy meddler rather than a concerned friend worried about the ramifications of what the affair can do to their future. It makes for a vulnerable situation on your part as you can end up losing your friendship or having a closer bond as a result of the risk taken in sharing scary stuff.

Whether to disclose or not to disclose the affair rests on what your intentions are as the discussion will be likely received in the spirit in which it was offered. As a Marriage Counselor and Affair Recovery Specialist, I concur with what exactly are the intentions? If you are not clear as to why you want to disclose, then don’t! My recommendation is to talk to a counselor to help you process your thoughts and feelings then determine how you will follow through on what you want to do. You may want to tell, you may choose not to tell, or you can do nothing. What you don’t want to do is share this information with someone other than perhaps your spouse. The information is private and not yours to gossip about.

Call me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com for more information about affairs, infidelity, or affair recovery.