Stop With The Codependency

Stop With The Codependency.  If you already know what codependency is all about this could be an overkill talking about it.  We are all codependent to a certain degree.  I look at it as being on a spectrum.  From offering help in a kind and appropriate way to losing yourself all together in a dysfunctional world of trying to make everyone happy and meeting their needs by sacrificing your own.

If you find yourself constantly seeking validation from others, questioning your own thoughts and opinions or feeling obsessed with trying to control others’ actions, you may think you’re going crazy, but the truth is you’re not crazy—you may just be codependent. You may be conditioned to believe that if you aren’t perfect then others will leave you. This can cause you to feel the need to constantly give of yourself until there’s nothing left. This can also cause you to have no boundaries, because you believe that if you set boundaries you won’t be loved for who you are. You may be so convinced that the only way to keep others around is to try and control them through manipulation or guilt.

As a young mother and until just about a few years ago, I was behaving in a codependent way with my eldest daughter who is 30-years-old.  She is a bright and beautiful young woman who often times asked me for things I didn’t want to say “yes” to.  Because she was a compliant kid with aspirations she acquired through dedication and hard work, I wanted to reward her with giving her what she asked for.  As she didn’t ask for much as a child I overcompensated and agreed to some requests she made as she got older and resented it.  As a result, my conflict avoidance in not telling her the truth created a lot more conflict than I had expected.  Conflict avoidance leads to conflict.  It hurt our relationship for a short time.  I have since been more assertive and being more forthcoming in saying what I need and want to say and it has improved our communication.

The only way to heal from these behaviors and build healthy and stable relationships is to face what’s really going on internally. You have to first start by rebuilding the relationship you have with yourself. You have to see yourself as worthy and get the help you deserve. For a codependent, looking inward can be so painful, as it’s so much easier to focus on others than to face what’s really going on within yourself. However, once you face your codependency, the healing process will open doors you never imaged. It changed my life, and it can change yours.

For more information on understanding and recovering from codependency call me at (858) 735-1139.

 

I Can’t Adult Today

I Can’t Adult Today.  Do you have days where you just want to concentrate on yourself for a change.  As a mother, wife, doggy mom, therapist and caretaker to extended family, I can become overwhelmed by the minutiae of everyday life.  I wrote an article about self-care and instill some the of the tips to manage my feelings of anxiety and frustration.

As a Marriage Counselor and mental health provider, I listen to problems on a daily basis.  That coupled with my own challenges throughout the week can become very tiresome.  I’m a Type A personality so I like things in order with no loose ends.  And of course, life is full of loose ends.

When I don’t take the time for self-care I am a person who “acts out” all kinds of emotions.  Acting out is an inappropriate way to express thoughts and feelings.  I call them “adult tantrums.”  You should see what I look like when I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety.  My family walks on eggshells when I’m in a mood.  I’m sure you can relate to similar situations.  Behaving like an adult is difficult to do when you’re tired, hungry, resentful, sad, etc.  Not getting my needs and wants met makes me bitter and resentful.

The day-to-day demands of life are put in perspective when I’m able to concentrate on myself for a day or two by asking those who care about me to concentrate on themselves.  I am able to re-frame negative situations and put a positive spin on them to reduce anxiety.

Behaving like an adult during strenuous times takes patience, self-awareness, and effective communication.  It’s also a matter of choice to “act out” or behave appropriately.  Of course, none of us is perfect, however, being able to self-regulate keeps us from having meltdowns and maintaining goodwill in our relationships.

Taking a break from everyday responsibilities isn’t easy.   Don’t beat yourself up by being a “hero.”  Ask for what is needed to help make your day a little more manageable.  You have a right to time to yourself.  Don’t forget that.  Contact me at (858) 735-1139 to talk more about self-care and managing inappropriate behaviors.