The Secret Ingredient To Transform Your Sex Life

The Secret Ingredient To Transform Your Sex Life.  Heard of the “pink pill” for women referred to as female Viagra?  Researchers, scientists, and sex therapists have spent decades providing us information about what creates sexual desire, what turns people on and off, how to have an orgasm, how to have a great orgasm, and sexual dysfunctions.  As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I see couples in counseling for a variety of sexual problems.  Low sex drive, no sex drive, and very high sex drives where individuals tend to self-label the behavior as “sexual addiction.”  I also see couples who come to counseling because one or both say the sex in their relationship has died or was never really that good. Without going into a long and drawn out psychoanalysis of what each partner went through in their childhood, I do, make an assessment of what kind of sexual education was received in their upbringing and in their own personal information gathering of sex and what makes for arousal.

Sex Life

The Secret Ingredient To Transform Your Sex Life

In my own upbringing, raised Catholic, female and of minority status (Filipino-American), I was told sex was to be introduced in marriage so being a virgin on your honeymoon was expected.  Sex before marriage was seen as for “loose” women and if you had sex with more than one partner, you were considered a “slut.”  If you knew a lot about sex you were considered promiscuous.  Sex was shame-based in my family discussions, explicitly and through implicit comments.  As children, a good friend of mine would look away from the television and giggle when a couple would kiss.  I thought that was strange but didn’t say anything.  Later understood her family had hang-ups about any conversations about sex. This wasn’t unusual with the families I grew up with.  To this day, my childhood friends and peers say they learned about sex through each other and Playboy magazines.  How sad we were ignorant and naive.  It’s no wonder most people have issues surrounding sex and sexuality and can’t enjoy what truly is a pleasurable experience.

The Secret Ingredient To Transform Your Sex Life

Sex Life

Like many of you, I was taught a lot of wrong things growing up.  As I became an adult, I made a lot of mistakes.  As a divorced woman and single mother, I spent seven years in the dating arena learning how to get it right and now I believe I have my shit together.  I understand that confidence and maintaining your Sense of Self is crucial to being happy in any relationship. Included in that Sense of Self is developing and improving your individual sexuality as no two people are alike and no one should compare themselves to anyone.  Explore what makes you feel good and what makes you happy.  Remove the shame-based thoughts and stigmas that religious fanatics have to say about sex and feeling good.  Masturbation is not a bad thing!  It feels good!  It helps you know where your erogenous zones are located.  If you know, you can tell your partner where and what to hit.

As a Marriage Counselor, I help people become comfortable with their bodies.  With confidence and joy about our sexuality, we can ultimately live in a world where everyone’s sexual autonomy is respected.  I work with traditional and non-traditional relationships as not all people experience their sexualities in the same way.  Some people like monogamous relationships, others like non-monogamous relationships. Whatever your preference the secret ingredient isn’t drugs, medicine, any particular book, or magical partner.  The secret ingredient to transform your sex life is YOU.  Know what you want in and out of the bedroom and be able to communicate that to your partner.  Being assertive is the best feeling in the world.

For more information about this transformation please contact me at (858) 735-1139.




The Difference Between Good Sex and Hot Sex

The Difference Between Good Sex and Hot Sex.  Are you happy with your sex life?  If you’ve been married for many years or are in a long-term relationship sex can become routine and even boring. Worse yet “vanilla” sex is not very fun.  Sure you get off (climax), but you can do that through masturbation.  As a Marriage Counselor, I speak with couples who want to revive a sex life that has “flat-lined.”  Somewhere between paying the bills, raising the kids, and maintaining the household, sex gets placed at the bottom of one’s to-do list when at one time it was the highlight of a couple’s day.  “I’m just too tired,” “my libido is down,” and “I’m not feeling an emotional connection,” are some of the things couples say in Couples Counseling.  However, as an Infidelity and Affair Recovery Specialist, I see people who have gone to great lengths to make the time to engage in affairs despite the busyness of life.  The reasons they provide in justifying their behavior is the novelty of the newness of the relationship makes the sex exciting.

As a Marriage Counselor, incorporating that notion into treatment helps initiate dialogue as to what would make sex more interesting.  Talking about individual fantasies, whether they act them out or not, makes for a great aphrodisiac. The process frees oneself to be expressive which involves a certain amount of risk-taking which makes one vulnerable enough to create the emotional connectedness needed for intimacy.

Sometimes talking about opening up a marriage can be intimidating and threatening, however, the discussion around the topic can lead to erotic fantasies and make for hot sex.  Talking dirty to one another during texting, also known as “sexting,” can also be a way to stimulate the imagination and creates arousal.  The anticipation of having steamy sex with your partner fuels the imagination making the actual event worthwhile and satisfying.  Talking dirty has always been a way to make sex even hotter.  I know, some people are shy or ashamed to do that.  But then, they probably aren’t having great sex.  Most likely they want to be shouting out profanities but their “hang-ups” about sex keeps them from letting go, and so they just have to settle for “mediocre to good” sex.

As a Marriage Counselor, I receive some reservations to these types of recommendations as some people’s upbringing didn’t normalize a healthy sexual appetite.  Religion and how your parents talked about sex can make or break the subject for some people and either shame-based it or celebrated it as an act of giving and receiving pleasure.  Between consenting adults and placing safety in practice who wouldn’t want to receive pleasure?!  Hot sex is all about how you feel about sex and knowing how to ask for it.  It helps to know what feels good to oneself, as well.

For more information on making your love life come alive call me at (858) 735-1139.

Subscribe to get relationship tips and insights by being notified when new blog articles are published