couples counseling in san diego

Concentrating On Yourself

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Concentrating On Yourself. Do you know what you want in life? Do you know how to get it? Often when I ask my clients what they want, they say they don’t know. I’m not surprised to hear this because I’ve been in their shoes, thinking that same way. When couples come in wanting to know how to make their relationship better I tell them to stop concentrating on one another and concentrate on “self.”

Concentrating on yourself develops your “me.” Without a good sense of me, you may not be able to find the “we” that best suits you. The world is full of all kinds of people we can love, but not all align well with your “me.” In looking for the right partner you have to be the right partner. Healthy couples consists of two independent people living in an interdependent relationship. A happy me makes for a happy we. My newly launched book, entitled, Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship, helps you understand that key relationship conflicts stem from one partner not knowing what he or she wants and not knowing how to get it, much less knowing how to ask for it. That realization is the basis for the book.

Most of us don’t know how to “do” relationships. Everything we know about relationships, we learned from our parents. Unfortunately, they also learned about relationships from their parents. It’s a deadly trap that’s no one’s fault. Our parents can’t help that their relationship skills, good or bad, and their resulting marriage were passed down from their own parents. Because we are products of our childhood, it’s imperative we identify and resolve personal issues that affect all our relationships, not just our romantic ones. In order to do that we have to know what it is we want and be assertive enough to get it.

When you make decisions for yourself based on what you want and not what someone else wants for you, you develop a good sense of self. Personal awareness helps you concentrate on yourself. Personal awareness is all about knowing and understanding yourself. Concentrating on yourself enables you to know what you want and what you don’t want. With that knowledge, you can make good decisions about whom you want as a partner and who you want to be as a partner.

For more information on developing a sense of self through concentrating on yourself contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139

A Marriage Counselor Tells Her Story

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A Marriage Counselor Tells Her Story

We’re proud to launch Sarah’s book. It debuted as a #1 Amazon bestseller in her category, as well as #1 New Release.

For Sarah Ruggera’s birthday, she received a cake in the shape of her book that was just launched.

I think it looks delicious—both as a cake and a book.

A Marriage Counselor Tells Her Story

Her book, Happy Me, Happy We: 6 Steps to know yourself so you know what you want in a relationship, is about finding happiness in yourself before finding happiness in a relationship—especially if you’re already married.

In her book, Sarah, a San Diego marriage therapist, tells some heartbreaking, tough and inspiring stories.

In particular, we share what I call her Expert Origin Story™. Just as every great comic book superhero has an origin story that launches them to greatness, so does every entrepreneur and visionary.

In an Expert Origin Story™ we show an author’s most vulnerable moment, which launched their journey to mastery. The lessons the shero learns along the way form the key points of the book.

In Sarah’s Expert Origin Story™, she tells how she came home one day to an empty house, with a note from her husband saying he needed time away from her.

Enraged, she stalked him at his office, hunted him down at his hotel and publicly abused him verbally for leaving her. Despite a reconciliation, they divorced. The devastation and shame launched her on a quest for introspection and therapy about how to have happiness within regardless of a spouse.

Twenty-five years later, she is a renowned marriage therapist, specializing in affairs intervention. Her book shares her no-nonsense methods for happiness in life and marriage.  As a therapist, she has helped over 2,000 couples regain joy and fulfillment.

Sarah’s stories of her clients provide a riveting narrative. But it’s her Expert Origin Story™ that creates a powerful emotional bond with her audience.

Helen Chang
CEO and  Editorial Director
Author Bridge Media

 

 

How To Get The Relationship You Want

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How To Get The Relationship You Want. Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship. I launched my new book on September 23, 2020 to commemorate my 62nd birthday. For three decades I’ve been working with individuals and couples helping them know what they want as an individual so they know what they want in a partner. When I ask my clients what is it they want, most say they have no idea. This is not surprising to me because I, too, once said that years ago. In my first marriage and before I became a licensed marriage and family therapist, I did’t understand the concept of being an individual within a relationship. I thought my husband and I had to do everything together. When we did not, I became insecure and acted out those feelings inappropriately. I had what I refer to as adult tantrums when I didn’t get what I wanted from my husband. Needless to say, quite immature. He often told me to “grow up” which made me even angrier. I dated my high school sweetheart for seven years and married him right out of college. The marriage lasted nine years and produced our daughter. My former husband used to tell me that married couples should be able to do things outside the relationship.

Women getting the relationship she wants

As a young girl I learned from my family of origin that a good provider would make a good husband. As I bought into the tenets of a patriarchal society I was the woman behind the man. I focused more on who I was going to be with than who I was going to become. I put a lot of time and energy into getting other people’s needs met rather than concentrating on myself. Concentrating on yourself develops your ME. Without a good sense of Me, you may not be able to find the WE that best suits you. The world is full of all kinds of people we can love, but not all align with your ME.

I developed and utilize six steps to help my clients know themselves so they know what they want in a relationship. By using the six steps, you will find your ME – first, before all else – so you don’t jump into finding We before you are ready. These steps empower you to understand what you need and go get it. When you know what you need and want, you won’t want to settle. You won’t want to partner up so easily or go about it backward. You won’t stay in bad situations just because you don’t want to be alone, or because grieving the loss of the relationship is too hard. The six steps to know yourself so you know what you want in a relationship:

  1. Intuition
  2. Courage
  3. Emotions
  4. Insight
  5. Boundaries
  6. Choice

A healthy relationship can be yours. What you need is the intuition to understand what you already know you want, the courage to go after the things you need, and the understanding of your own emotions and those of others so you can talk honestly with your partner.

You need insight into what you think and feel about information you’ve discovered. You want clear boundaries and a sense of “groundedness” during difficult conversations.  You need to know how to be assertive and put yourself first in a relationship that evolves to nurture both partners. Finally, you need to make strong choices based on who you are and what you want.

For more information contact go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139

 

 

Steps To Get The Relationship You Want

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Steps To Get The Relationship You Want. I’m happy to announce Happy Me Happy We: Six Steps To Know Yourself So You Know What You Want In A Relationship is now available on Amazon and is ranked #1 new release.

Should I stay or should I go?

When your relationship is in trouble, it affects every part of your life. But it doesn’t mean you have to accept things as they are—or give up and walk away.

You can have a healthy, happy relationship. It starts with taking charge of your own thoughts and actions, and learning to be your own person. With a better understanding of self, a firm foundation of healthy communication skills, and the insight to make better choices, you’ll know how to interact positively with others. You’ll be able to create the healthy, loving, supportive relationship you know you deserve.

Sarah Ruggera, a licensed marriage and family therapist and affair recovery specialist of twenty-five years, has helped more than two thousand couples find joy in relationships. In Happy Me Happy We, she breaks down the steps required for you to become your evolved self—a person capable of meeting challenges head-on. Through client stories, hands-on exercises, and the wealth of information she provides, you will learn how to:

  • trust what your gut is telling you by listening to your own reactions to events;
  • have the courage to follow your feelings and do what’s right;
  • face your emotions, whether that’s vulnerability and hurt, or inspiration and hope;
  • search within to know what you want for yourself, so you know what you want in a relationship;
  • find stability, manage your inner child, and set healthy boundaries that let you say no when you need to;
  • make wise choices so that you can attract the right partner who supports your adult self.

You want connection, intimacy, and love. You can have all that. But first you need to find out what makes you happy and how to be a complete person on your own.

To get back to a happy we, you’ll first need to cultivate a happy me. Ruggera—and this book—will show you how.

Sarah Ruggera is a licensed marriage and family therapist and affair recovery specialist who has helped over two thousand couples answer the question, “Should I stay or should I go?” A results-oriented therapist, Ruggera focuses on innovative and hands-on tools for effective communication and personal relating. Parents of two adult daughters, Ruggera and her second husband enjoy a healthy relationship of more than twenty years. She lives in San Diego.

Get your copy today.

  1. Through Amazon
  2. For a signed copy go to my website SarahRuggera.com

Call me at (858) 735-1139 or go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com for more information about becoming a happy me to make for a happy we .

 

 

What Exactly Is MakeUp Sex?

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What Exactly Is MakeUp Sex? For some couples sex after arguing/fighting is almost like verbal foreplay. Makeup sex is sexual intercourse after conflict in intimate relationships. Conflict can range from minor arguments to breaking up. Sex under these circumstances can be emotionally charged and gratifying. Emotional significance can be conceived as a physical expression of reconciliation and rediscovery of a partner’s cathartic experience of a fight (psychological relief through the open expression of strong emotions). Often times makeup sex can resolve underlying conflicts.

Makeup sex

Makeup sex:

  • Can make you feel more connected because you survived a challenging situation (fight)
  • The anger/aggression after fighting is energy that fuels high emotions turning good sex into hot sex
  • Sex can be used as an apology, the wronged partner overcompensates and makes sex a great experience
  • Is a band aid in dealing with the underlying issues
  • Restores the feeling of connectedness due to the release of Dopamine 

Couples therapist

Romantic conflict can increase feelings of sexual desire. Increased sexual desire is high due to the fear of losing the relationship. The experience can be psychologically threatening. Feeling threatened activates our biologically-based attachment system. This system keeps our important relationships intact. It motivates us to increase our sense of closeness and security with important people in our lives, such as our intimate partner.

The difference between couples who feel like roommates and couples who feel intimacy is the ability to share thoughts and feelings, ask for what they need and want, and avoid being conflict avoidant. Expressing feelings makes for being vulnerable and being vulnerable makes for intimacy. Fighting takes a lot of energy. That energy is a range full of emotions. When couples tell me they never fight I find their relationship suspect. Being cordial suppresses emotions that need to be expressed. The lack of sharing those emotions keeps couples from feeling intimacy.  Although fighting is not an appropriate means for resolving conflict, it does make for highly charged feelings.

For more information about makeup sex please go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.