Why Married Men Don’t Cheat

Why Married Men Don’t Cheat.  According to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy dated 9/8/2013 22% of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.  There have been many articles written by experts in the field as to why men cheat.  In 1995, Sheppard, Nelso & Andreoli-Mathie, reported men cheat because they are unsatisfied sexually.  Another study reported men cheat due to a lack of communication, understanding, and sexual incompatibility, (Roscoe, Cavanaugh, & Kennedy 1988). Marital dissatisfaction was the main reason cited in the 20th Century for infidelity for both male and female, however, there are many other reasons why men cheat and not just because they “can.”  There are also reasons why men don’t cheat.  A recent  article in AARP magazine by Joe Queenan takes a look into the mind of the male monogamist.  He states some men stay in their marriages without the stain of infidelity because men are:

Incredibly Lazy

As my ex-husband once said, “I’d never cheat because I’m too lazy, having an affair would be too much work.”  Men like to relax after a hard days work.  Downloading in their Man Cave drinking a beer, watching sports, on their computer, etc.  Romance, by contrast, is allot of work.  You have to shower, smell good, shave, exercise courtship behavior like buy flowers, go on dates and engage in conversation.  Cheating would require all of the above times two, the wife and the mistress.  Extramarital affairs are too exhausting if you consider wanting to make both women happy.

Startlingly Ugly

According to Queenan, “You might see a 10 with an 8, or an 8 with a 5, but you never see a 9 with a 2.”  That’s the reason unattractive men do not cheat on their wives.  “An ugly man is so happy that he found one woman willing to gaze at his dreadful countenance for the next 40 years” that he’s grateful and isn’t willing to risk everything by cheating on her.

Cheap

Taking women out on dates require a fair amount of financial resources and that’s additional money from the household income.  Often times men having affairs spend money on the same presents and dates for both their wives and mistresses.

Fearful of getting caught

Men know they aren’t as good at multitasking as most women and also know they don’t have that great of memory or are very organized.  So “shady” behavior like engaging in an affair is too risky in that they may get caught and don’t want to deal with the consequences of getting caught.

Under the assumption Affairs are time-consuming

There aren’t enough hours in the day to maintain an extramarital affair as having a mistress exerts as much energy as having a wife and family at home.  Their individual time gets narrowed down to no time and nobody gets the best of his time, not even himself.

(Bores) and can’t get dates

Just like the unattractive guys, boring guys are happy that they are able to find one woman who finds them half way interesting and although may think about cheating couldn’t find anyone interested in them to take them on.

They’ve seen the movie “Fatal Attraction” and bottom line they aren’t really good at it.

Neuropsychologist state there’s an area in the brain located in the frontal lobe that supports self-control processes.  These processes are referred to as “executive functions” and involve the ability to plan, inhibit or delay responding.  Resisting the temptation to cheat requires cognitive (thinking) effort. If you possess a high level of executive control, you probably are less likely to cheat on your partner as your way of thinking includes more inhibition and delayed immediate gratification capability opposed to someone with less executive control.  Whenever someone must focus hard on a task and ignore distractions, this area is particularly active. The extent to which these areas of the brain light up predicts a lot of important outcomes, including whether people are likely to follow the rule norms of society, resist a wide variety of temptations, and engage in risky behaviors.

Other Reasons Married Men Don’t Cheat have to do with character and good moral judgement.  A few to mention include:

Commitment to sexually exclusive monogamy

Integrity – a promise was made to vows; a commitment was given to exclusivity

Happy with wife – being in love their wife enhances the faithfulness

Don’t want to feel guilty

Civilized – the behavior of being unfaithful may be indicative to the contrary

Their wife doesn’t give them any reason to stray

Their father cheated on their mother and they don’t want to become like their cheater father –  repeating history and hurting other loved ones besides the hurt partner

Don’t want to possibly contract a sexually transmitted disease

Not empowering

The bottom line in deciding to engage in an affair happens to be a personal choice.  In Marriage Counseling I hear various reasons why affairs started.  They range from reasonable and understandable to the ridiculous.  As a Therapist who specializes in Affair Recovery, I believe affairs are symptoms of other problems that are being acted inappropriately when the initial step to prevent such behavior would be to talk to your partner about your feelings and go from there.  Marriage Therapy can give you the opportunity to talk about what you want in your relationship and how you can integrate that part of yourself that you feel while engaging in an affair.  Whilst married men who do not engage in affairs apparently are able to manage that part of themselves there are some who are not.  Bravo to those who can.

Please call me if you would like to understand more about affairs and why they happen at (858) 735-1139.

Is Your Body Language Getting Your Message Across?

Is Your Body Language Getting Your Message Across?  From first impressions to first dates, a smile can be worth everything.  A smile conveys warmth and friendliness.  It helps put the other person at ease.  Eye contact is an important nonverbal form of body language.  Direct eye contact shows respect for the other person, although, in some cultures, it shows disrespect and defiance.  However, in this culture, it shows interest in a person.  In fact, if you want to show a man you’re really into him, look deeply into his eyes as he speaks to you.  To catch the interest of a guy who you’re not on a date with (yet), catch his eye and smile, look away and hold his gaze the next time you glance over to him.

Ninety percent of our communication with one another is nonverbal.  Sometimes what’s in your heart and mind doesn’t come across in your body language.  When dating it’s important to make sure your body language is as sharp as your conversation skills.

Other signs that convey attraction include leaning toward a person, crossing your legs, tossing your hair, and lightly touching your arm and neck.  When people are really attracted to each other they often lick their lips.

If you’re wondering about him/her?  Same rules apply.  Some signs to look out for include fidgeting, crossing arms across the chest and darting eyes are signs of indifference or worse.  If he/she can’t stop scoping the room, it’s probably best to move on.

If you’ve been out in the Singles market longer than you wanted and would like help getting back into the swing of things with comfort and confidence Counseling with me can do just that.  Please don’t hesitate to call me at (858) 735-1139 so we can get started.

Are You Cheating?

Are You Cheating? Do you have a dirty little secret you’ve been hiding from your partner? Have you been sneaking around and covering your tracks?  Maybe you’re caught up in an unquenchable love affair with designer handbags or it’s your partner who’s totally embedded in gambling.  If you’re living in fear of each other’s credit card bills, it may be a case of Financial Infidelity.

People tend to say your relationship with money is directly related to your personal relationship with each other.  Whether it’s a secret debt, undisclosed extra income, or out of control spending, once it’s discovered financial infidelity can be just as devastating to your partner as Sexual Infidelity.  Your sense of trust is just as violated and, just like an affair, you try to go back in time, recounting all the secretive behavior going on right under your nose.

To give you a better idea of how easy it is to fall into this trap here are a few examples of risky reasoning that can lead to financial cheating:

  • “I deserve it.” Feeling entitled to splurge on something you can’t afford to make up for a bad day at work or because your partner didn’t/won’t buy it for you.
  • “Keeping up with the Joneses.”  Materialism being a priority over intimacy and wanting to keep up the life you “believe” you should have…rather than the one you can afford.
  • “It’s my only real pleasure.”  Using buying and spending to fulfill unmet needs.

Just like Sexual Infidelity the recovery process is the same.  Trust has been broken and to reconnect and move forward both need to take responsibility for their actions. Marriage Counseling can help with the Repair process as the betrayal includes similar emotions.  Couples Therapy enables both partners to share their thoughts, feelings and perspectives about what caused their acting out behaviors and discuss new ways to prevent their relationship from moving toward the relationship they truly want.

If you think you have cheated this way or the other contact me at (858) 735-1139.

The New Monogamy Agreement

The New Monogamy Agreement So what’s all this talk about New Monogamy Agreements? New Monogamy Agreements are Contracts that are an Explicit Relationship Agreement created by each partner to openly, honestly, and safely share their desires, expectations, and limitations for moving forward in a new way of behaving within their Relationship. This agreement in no way creates an open marriage, but rather, an open conversation wherein each partner can have a say in setting the ground rules for their relationship.   If Open Marriage happens to be a desire for both partners then it would become part of the Agreement.

The New Monogamy Agreement

In Marriage Counseling with me there is no judgement or criticism while developing these Agreements as I am here to help guide the process enabling Couples to live the life they desire as we have entered into the 21st Century.  We do not have the marriages/relationships that our parents or grandparents had.  There are hundreds of “How To” lists for relationships and all seem to say the same thing.  Why not put something together that works for you and your partner.  We live in such a diversified and dynamic world where everyone is unique.  I help Couples in Couples Therapy develop New Monogamy Agreements to rebuild trust after an Affair or to re-establish Intimacy in a seemingly stale partnership.

When making your Monogamy Agreement try and keep in mind that it’s like renewing your Vows.  It’s important not to just make promises like you did when you got married or pledged your Fidelity.  This agreement will have fluidity and variety and will be renewed as often as needed.

Some of the questions to ask in your New Monogamy Agreement will be based on your cultural and religious beliefs, as well as your upbringing and traditional sex roles, family history and personal moral values.

Utilizing Tammy Nelson’s Book “The New Monogamy” I help Couples in the Moving Forward process answer questions that help create their new agreements.  Included are questions that incorporate:

  1. Thoughts
  2. Fantasies
  3. Desires
  4. Arousal
  5. Flirtation
  6. Emotion
  7. Action (Behavior)
  8. Connection
  9. Sex
  10. Love
  11. Detachment
  12.  And Extras – anything else you want to add that is important to you

The vision for your Monogamy should be described as if it is happening at present….in the “now.”  When the agreement is written and dated it is kept in a safe place where it can be updated whenever you are unsure about your commitment.   Talk about questions that come up and revise when needed.  When completed celebrate and do something special to concretize the experience for you.  Your New Monogamy agreement is one of the most important things you will accomplish.  It shouldn’t be taken lightly.  Give yourself credit for having a conscious relationship for moving forward in your newly established relationship.

How to Keep a Happy Relationship

How to Keep a Happy Relationship. It’s important to know what you want so you know what you want in a relationship. Do you wonder how some couples stay married for several decades?  A developed sense of self can make better choices when looking for a life partner. When you listen to your intuition and follow up on it you are more likely to select the right partner. It’s important to be self-reflective and independent. There are two people with individual wants and needs in any relationship. Being independent in an interdependent relationship while getting each other’s needs met is the determining factor for a happy marriage. A happy marriage is what makes a “happily ever after” marriage.

What Keeps A Relationship Happy?  There’s an internet-based study of 2201 participants which was cited in Time Magazine that poses the question that has been asked by Couples for centuries.  How do you find Love and how do you make it last?

Relationships aren’t just about sex and good communication although that is a good place to start.

Scientists have found while both can have a big influence on a happy relationship, other factors such as knowing how they take their coffee or what their favorite food is, along with maintaining employment to be able to support oneself also matter.

Top 10 Areas Important To A Happy Relationship:

  1. Communication (free of criticism and contempt)

  2. Conflict resolution

  3. Sex or Romance

  4. Stress Management

  5. Life Skills

  6. Knowledge of Partner

  7. Self-Management

  8. Know Your Partner Well

  9. Know How To Make Them Feel Special

  10. Maintain Employment (self-sufficiency)

Couples were asked to rate the qualities they thought were vital to keeping a relationship healthy and happy.  They were then asked questions that tested their competency in these areas and were asked how satisfied they were in their relationships.

Researchers then correlated each partner’s strength and weaknesses in each area with their relationship satisfaction.

The study showed Couples who communicated the best reported having the most satisfied relationships. But knowledge of your partner which included knowing their favorite pizza toppings, as well as their future plans and holding down a job, were the next biggest factors rated just as important.

The study also showed men scoring low in the area of knowing their partners.  Robert Epstein, the lead author, suggests men write simple information about their partners to better learn and share with them what they have learned about them.

Call me at (858) 735-1139 if your relationship isn’t where you’d like it to be.