Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?  Relationships are complex.  The skills we use to build and maintain personal relationships are innate and unlearned.  Others are acquired from our life experiences and role modeled from those around us.  Some relationships are healthy and functional.  Others are dysfunctional and/or abusive.  In the beginning of any new relationship the atmosphere is fun loving and fairly easy.  After the Honeymoon Stage people let their hair down and show us their true selves.  Sometimes those true selves are not appropriate partners. When deciding whether or not to stay or go ask yourself  “am I getting enough in this relationship to offset the pain of what’s wrong and what’s lacking to make grieving what I’m not getting worth my while? – Terry Real

Couples in healthy relationships have clear boundaries and mutual trust.  The Conflict Resolution Stage is where most couples stand the test of time.  With conflict resolution skills they are able to manage their differences without damaging their relationship.  We all have different perspectives.  If we can show empathy and validate our partner’s perspective, that not only shows you love and care for them, you have the maturity to obtain insight about others.

As a Marriage Counselor, I work with couples who have the capacity to see each other’s perspective and those who do not.  In acquiring the tools for effective communication the couple either moves forward or is stuck at an impasse where they seem unable to exercise the system put in place for conflict resolution.

When at an impasse an assessment is made to determine whether one or both partners can’t or won’t allow the tools to manage their conflict.  I see couples who keep themselves in vicious cycles because one refuses to accept the challenges of the other and remains in an unhealthy and unhappy situation.  When enough time goes by and there is seemingly no progress from the partner with little to no empathy for the other’s perspective one or both may decide to leave the relationship.

 

I work with many couples who need help deciding “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?”  Through our counseling both have the opportunity to make an informed decision as they progress through their process or lack thereof  and that becomes the answer to that question.

For information in deciding to stay in your relationship or leave it please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

 

Is Your Husband On The Spectrum?

Is Your Husband On The Spectrum?  Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) is an Autism Spectrum Disorder – (ASD) and is part of a group of complex neurodevelopmental disorders.  All of us are on the spectrum to some degree but those who suffer from AS are severely debilitated with respect to social interaction, behavior, and communication?  People with Asperger’s, affectionately known as Aspies, are high functioning, have no problem with basic speech, and are quite capable and intelligent.

I’ve been married to Phil, my husband for twenty one years.  From the beginning, I suspected he might be on the spectrum.

Common traits of Asperger’s Syndrome include:

  1. Thoughtlessness.  The lack of consideration for others, while unintentional, may appear to be rude or callous.
  2. Forgetfulness.
  3. Mindblindness.  This is known as a lack of Theory of Mind, which is the inability to reflect on the contents of one’s own mind and the mind of others.  Those with AS are incapable of putting themselves “in someone else’s shoes.”  They cannot conceptualize, understand or predict the knowledge, thoughts, beliefs, emotions, feelings, and desires behavior, actions, or intention of another person.  This can create major barriers to communication and intimacy.
  4. Lack of self-awareness.
  5. Challenges with time management.  People with AS can become involved in restricted or special interests and, in so doing, lost track of time.
  6. Possess a narrow range of interests and can become hyper-focused on one, (often very specific,) hobby.
  7. Demonstrate little to no empathy.
  8. Heightened sensitivity to bright lights and, loud sounds.  Their skin and their sense of taste can also be very sensitive.
  9. Repetitive behavior.  People with AS are not flexible; they like their routines and have little tolerance for change.
  10. Difficulty making small talk.  Possess limited relational skills.
  11. Propensity for one-sided conversations.
  12. Difficulty making friends
  13. Possess awkward moments and mannerisms.
  14. Little eye contact.

One might wonder why anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone on the spectrum?  My husband is a kind, generous, and intelligent man and I love him very much.  But his Asperger’s presented some challenges for me early on in our relationship.  I invested in the two of us by learning everything I could about AS, acquired the coping skills needed to manage my emotions (see related article on the Cassandra Syndrome), and found tools to help my husband become more relational.  Today, we have several systems in place to foster communication, awareness, and meaningful interactions that work quite well.

If you are struggling with the challenges of a neurodiverse relationship, where you and/or your partner have an ASD, I’m confident I can help you out.  Being a Certified Neurodiverse Couples Counselor (AANE) I can develop successful coping strategies and relational skills to deepen and strengthen your relationship.

For more information on moving forward with your Aspie husband or wife, please contact me at (858) 735-1139.  I know I can help.