Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage or Relationship?  There are many reasons why an affair occurs. It is most important to understand that an affair affects both people in a relationship.  The healing process can lead a couple to deeper levels of intimacy or a closeness they’ve never shared before.  For Couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner has had an affair it is imperative both parties, despite their own personal pain, try and look within themselves to see how their own behavior contributed to the demise of the once happy and working union.  I am not suggesting the Hurt Partner is to blame in any way.

Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

I am only recommending taking a look at how each person in the partnership may have brought implicit or explicit neglect or abuse into the spiraling down dynamics of their relationship.  I’m not talking about chronic Philanderers or people who have continuous affairs, they’re in an entirely different category.  I’m referring to those who have had an isolated incident in one affair that is creating the need for change within the relationship.

In working with couples who do take a look at their individual part of this devastating situation prognosis is typically better than those who would rather blame the person who had the affair by continuing to berate that person in how they have made their life miserable. Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

When you’re ready to take a look at what happened to the relationship it would be good to seek the help of a Marriage Counselor or Couples Counselor who specializes in Affair Recovery and helping couples get through the process of determining whether they can or want to stay together or move on.  In Couples Counseling the couple will need to acknowledge the problems prior to the affair as sometimes the affair could be a symptom of some other underlying problem.  Just because infidelity strikes your marriage doesn’t mean it has to end in a separation or divorce.  Often times an affair can be the best thing that ever happened to a relationship as it brings an end to a relationship that wasn’t working and gives the couple an opportunity to develop a new relationship by developing a New Monogamy.

A new monogamy explicitly says what is wanted and what is not wanted in moving forward. It helps with affair prevention because both parties discuss and document the specifics on how to behave more appropriately. Marriages don’t have to end because someone stepped out and had an affair.  Marriages don’t have to end due to betrayal.  I have been providing affair recovery services for over 20 years. Because the couples I work with allow me to take them through the affair recovery process, I have a more than 90% success rate. Very few divorce. Nobody wants to leave their primary relationship. Couples have a history together, some may have children, financial resources, and great memories. Affair recovery puts things into perspective, and with time marriages are salvaged.

 

For more information on developing the relationship you have always wanted please call me (858) 735-1139.

Ending Your Affair With Integrity

Ending your affair with integrity. Just because you made a really bad mistake in choosing to engage in an affair doesn’t mean you have to make another bad mistake and end it in a bad way.  If you are in a sexual or emotional relationship (or both) and realize you need to end it you may owe that person more than just a “sorry, I made a mistake.” If you promised your affair partner a life outside your marriage, lead them to believe you had feelings for them, told them you loved them, shared negative stories about your marriage or your spouse with them, or even hinted that you would leave your marriage then an appropriate way of ending the affair would be with some integrity.

Ending Your Affair With Integrity

Don’t underestimate the impact you’ve made on someone else’s life.  Your affair partner deserves to be treated with some respect.  You were involved in their life and got them involved in yours.  The first step is to end matters in a mature and healthy way.  It’s beneficial to both parties to cut off the affair in a way that clearly defines that you are ending the relationship.

Ending your affair with Integrity makes it so the affair cannot come back later and jeopardize the new monogamy you will be working towards in your relationship.  It also helps the affair partner bring closure to the relationship where if they felt used or disrespected they will unlikely seek revenge by contacting your spouse, employer, other family members or friends, in order to create the same chaos in your life that they feel you have created in theirs.

When you break it off be clear about what you will and will not continue to do.  That you will continue to care about them but that you can no longer speak on the phone or answer their emails.  Set boundaries, especially if the affair was with someone at work keeping contact professional and polite.  Make amends and show empathy. Admit ambivalence as you have regrets but make it clear you need to end the relationship. Thank them for anything you feel is appropriate and share that working on your marriage and your relationship with your spouse is your priority.

Like any loss you will undergo a process of grief. You will feel guilt and remorse about hurting your spouse. The best way to move forward is to bring yourself back into your marriage.  Marriage Counseling with a Counselor who specializes in working with Affair Recovery can help you sit down and talk about what you each want for your New Monogamy together and what it will take to make it work.

Call me at (858) 735-1139 if you would like help in creating a new and sustainable marriage.

 

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage? Are Threesomes Good For Your Relationship?  Threesomes may or may not be good for marriages. I’ve been working with a Couple in Marriage Counseling who have been married for 7 years. In their third year they wanted to try a Three way at the request of her husband with another female. After careful thought and consideration they both decided to go forward with his fantasy. Remember fantasies are to be discussed first where both partners are made to feel comfortable before putting anything into action.

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Initially the dynamics of three ways was working reasonable well. The sexual component was to everyone’s liking and no one felt left out. It wasn’t until the husband and the third person started to engage in extra encounters with one another without informing the wife.This made for secretive behavior and distrust became an issue for the wife. A betrayal had been committed as the initial agreement stated all would be present when engaging in sexual activity.

During the affair between the husband and 3rd person a mutual feeling of infatuation and feelings of love developed.  This is common as the couple is still in the Honeymoon Phase of the relationship.  The sexual tension creates even more desire for one another fueling the intense feelings of arousal and desire.  The wife feeling betrayed in this once agreed upon arrangement is now the Hurt party as her husband is now having an affair with this third person who was initially utilized to add sexual arousal and desire to their own relationship.

So the question is do Three ways work? They can IF the Couple is able to have an honest discussion about what they want from the experience and how they go about executing it. Often times a three way is desired to add variety and arousal to an already satisfactory sex life.  It can also enhance the sexual experience for those who want to explore an open relationship. The mere fact that someone else desires our partner makes them even more attractive to us resulting in a more heightened sexual encounter/experience.  As long as the couple understands the third person is to ENHANCE their sex and not replace one another throughout the process. Keeping the communication open between the couple before, during and after the physical activities should keep their relationship in check.

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Some people believe it is possible to love more than one person and engage in loving making (sex) with those individuals which makes for a Polyamorous relationship.  Polyamory (from Greek, meaning “many” or “several”, and Latin amor, “love”) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.  It is distinct from swinging, which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational.  3-Ways are distinct from swinging in that swinging involves multiples partners for each with their own set of agreements.  three ways typically include two females and a male or two males and a female.

Whatever the combination in Couples Counseling I help Couples understand that it is vitally important to make implicit expectations explicit to keep the integrity in their relationship. For more information please call me at (858) 735-1139

Regaining Your Sex Life After An Affair

Regaining Your Sex Life After An Affair.  Erotic Recovery is what is referred to as regaining your sex life after an affair.

Is Erotic Recovery possible after an affair?  When infidelity hits home and that ultimate betrayal comes between the two of you who can possibly want to be close to your partner again emotionally let alone physically.  Despite the mixed emotions of wanting to have sex and not wanting to have sex, indulging in sex at this time can be due to the emotional distance the affair has put between the two of you triggering a new and more intense connection.  Many couples are embarrassed to talk about this increase in sexual activity that happens immediately in the aftermath of an affair.  They don’t want their partners to think they are forgiven or the affair is forgotten.  The affair is what makes the sex feel so intense now.  However, not wanting sex at this time is creating a wall between the two of you blocking any desire for any kind of intimacy.

Much therapy on infidelity focuses on trust and forgiveness, overlooking direct repair of the couple’s sexual relationship. Infidelity is an Erotic Injury to a relationship and must be repaired through a step by step erotic recovery process in order for a committed partnership to move forward.  An Erotic Injury means that the partner who has been cheated on experiences an undermining of erotic confidence because of the infidelity (Dr. Tammy Nelson author “The New Monogamy.”)  Sexual self-esteem questions like “Am I still attractive to my partner? or Do I still have what it takes to be in a sexual relationship?” come up and time is needed to regain confidence in the bedroom.  There are stages of erotic recovery to reintroduce sexual connection, reestablish erotic function and renew the relationship.   I help couples in Couples Counseling revive desire and create a new vision of Monogamy for those who choose to stay together after infidelity.

The process includes:

  1. Creating a weekly Sex Date.

  2. Focusing on Sensuality and Touch as the goal instead of Intercourse.

  3. Using nonverbal language to connect during sex.

  4. Appreciating what is working in your sex life rather than what is not working.

  5. Staying present during sex, not thinking about the past or the future.

A new monogamy vision includes a more conscious commitment where the couple creates a monogamy agreement that is renewable and flexible. This new vision of a stronger relationship creates a more sustainable monogamy and a more hopeful future where implicit betrayal moves into empathy and a more passionate, mature connection.  Exploring your erotic life together is a means of continuing to communicate and expand sharing your most authentic self and deepest desires.  Affair recovery when exercised successfully enables individuals to feel heard and seen in a way that they never have until now.  Call me at (858) 735-1139 to learn more about your erotic recovery.

 

Why Married Men Don’t Cheat

Why Married Men Don’t Cheat.  According to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy dated 9/8/2013 22% of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.  There have been many articles written by experts in the field as to why men cheat.  In 1995, Sheppard, Nelso & Andreoli-Mathie, reported men cheat because they are unsatisfied sexually.  Another study reported men cheat due to a lack of communication, understanding, and sexual incompatibility, (Roscoe, Cavanaugh, & Kennedy 1988). Marital dissatisfaction was the main reason cited in the 20th Century for infidelity for both male and female, however, there are many other reasons why men cheat and not just because they “can.”  There are also reasons why men don’t cheat.  A recent  article in AARP magazine by Joe Queenan takes a look into the mind of the male monogamist.  He states some men stay in their marriages without the stain of infidelity because men are:

Incredibly Lazy

As my ex-husband once said, “I’d never cheat because I’m too lazy, having an affair would be too much work.”  Men like to relax after a hard days work.  Downloading in their Man Cave drinking a beer, watching sports, on their computer, etc.  Romance, by contrast, is allot of work.  You have to shower, smell good, shave, exercise courtship behavior like buy flowers, go on dates and engage in conversation.  Cheating would require all of the above times two, the wife and the mistress.  Extramarital affairs are too exhausting if you consider wanting to make both women happy.

Startlingly Ugly

According to Queenan, “You might see a 10 with an 8, or an 8 with a 5, but you never see a 9 with a 2.”  That’s the reason unattractive men do not cheat on their wives.  “An ugly man is so happy that he found one woman willing to gaze at his dreadful countenance for the next 40 years” that he’s grateful and isn’t willing to risk everything by cheating on her.

Cheap

Taking women out on dates require a fair amount of financial resources and that’s additional money from the household income.  Often times men having affairs spend money on the same presents and dates for both their wives and mistresses.

Fearful of getting caught

Men know they aren’t as good at multitasking as most women and also know they don’t have that great of memory or are very organized.  So “shady” behavior like engaging in an affair is too risky in that they may get caught and don’t want to deal with the consequences of getting caught.

Under the assumption Affairs are time-consuming

There aren’t enough hours in the day to maintain an extramarital affair as having a mistress exerts as much energy as having a wife and family at home.  Their individual time gets narrowed down to no time and nobody gets the best of his time, not even himself.

(Bores) and can’t get dates

Just like the unattractive guys, boring guys are happy that they are able to find one woman who finds them half way interesting and although may think about cheating couldn’t find anyone interested in them to take them on.

They’ve seen the movie “Fatal Attraction” and bottom line they aren’t really good at it.

Neuropsychologist state there’s an area in the brain located in the frontal lobe that supports self-control processes.  These processes are referred to as “executive functions” and involve the ability to plan, inhibit or delay responding.  Resisting the temptation to cheat requires cognitive (thinking) effort. If you possess a high level of executive control, you probably are less likely to cheat on your partner as your way of thinking includes more inhibition and delayed immediate gratification capability opposed to someone with less executive control.  Whenever someone must focus hard on a task and ignore distractions, this area is particularly active. The extent to which these areas of the brain light up predicts a lot of important outcomes, including whether people are likely to follow the rule norms of society, resist a wide variety of temptations, and engage in risky behaviors.

Other Reasons Married Men Don’t Cheat have to do with character and good moral judgement.  A few to mention include:

Commitment to sexually exclusive monogamy

Integrity – a promise was made to vows; a commitment was given to exclusivity

Happy with wife – being in love their wife enhances the faithfulness

Don’t want to feel guilty

Civilized – the behavior of being unfaithful may be indicative to the contrary

Their wife doesn’t give them any reason to stray

Their father cheated on their mother and they don’t want to become like their cheater father –  repeating history and hurting other loved ones besides the hurt partner

Don’t want to possibly contract a sexually transmitted disease

Not empowering

The bottom line in deciding to engage in an affair happens to be a personal choice.  In Marriage Counseling I hear various reasons why affairs started.  They range from reasonable and understandable to the ridiculous.  As a Therapist who specializes in Affair Recovery, I believe affairs are symptoms of other problems that are being acted inappropriately when the initial step to prevent such behavior would be to talk to your partner about your feelings and go from there.  Marriage Therapy can give you the opportunity to talk about what you want in your relationship and how you can integrate that part of yourself that you feel while engaging in an affair.  Whilst married men who do not engage in affairs apparently are able to manage that part of themselves there are some who are not.  Bravo to those who can.

Please call me if you would like to understand more about affairs and why they happen at (858) 735-1139.