Women Who Date Married Men. Working in the field of relationships for the past 22 years it never ceases to amaze me why women would choose to be in a relationship with men who are not available. Consider what they are doing when they enter into an arrangement like that where being a mistress is the reference point of where their future begins. Is that the way you really want your love to be? Ask yourself this question….. Is this what I want for me? Is this man good enough for what this will cost me in the long run? As a Marriage Counselor and Relationship Expert I have to say “absolutely not!” I’ve worked with women who have been mistresses for 4 years, 8 years and up to 15 years. None of the reasons they have given me are valid reasons to stay.
Reasons why they stay. Given by the women I counsel:
1. They “love each other.”
2. He says he’s in a loveless marriage and intends to leave.
3. He’s staying for the children. Waiting until they turn 18.
4. Wife is mentally unstable and children can’t be left with her.
5. He can’t bear to live with children part time.
6. The financial situation; his – he doesn’t want to lose half his assets. The mistress – she likes the perks.
7. The family shame of it all.
8. The Religious factor.
9. They hold onto hope.
10. Makes them feel special (validating) as someone else has them and they want you.
Clinical reasons:
1. Low self-esteem; low self-worth and little value
2. Personal and unresolved Family of Origin issues – family history of affairs being tolerated.
3. Undifferentiated – under developed Sense of Self
4. Fear of abandonment
5. Anger
6. Validation for wrong reason – married men are attractive in that someone else wanted them
7. The drama/dysfunctional dynamic fuels some neurosis (personal issue)
8. Some women may have decided never to trust a man. The logic goes something like this: if he has a wife at home and is cheating with me, I know he’s not cheating on me.
9.There’s the super-competitive woman who craves the competition, seeing mate poaching as the mother lode of wins to her boost self-esteem. The hotter her rival, the hotter she is, the more she feels superior to the wife in terms of having the goods that men want. For these women, feeling superior has less to do with the man in question and how desirable he is, and more to do with being more powerful than and superior to the other woman/wife.
As a Couples Counselor working with these women the issue to process is whether they “should stay or go”. We look at the emotional attachment and practicality of their needs, wants, and desires. Are you dating a married man because you like to live on the edge? Is it because you don’t want commitment yourself? Maybe you’re scared of men hurting you?
Some women date married men because they’re afraid of getting out there and meeting men. They have relationships with married men because deep down they know it’s never going to go anywhere. They don’t need to leave themselves 100% vulnerable. Other women just love the chase. They love the drama of trying to win a man who isn’t theirs. In the end you need to figure out who you are. You are not defined by the man you are with. That “Jerry McGuire” phrase “you complete me” has messed up many a female and some males when it comes to forming relationships. Know who you are first, then you know what you can contribute to a relationship and know what to ask for in return. My advice is stop being the other woman. If children are involved it’s not fair to them. In actuality it’s not fair to any of you involved, you deserve an available man for yourself. Stop allowing the man to have his “cake and eat it too.” Why should he benefit from having a wife and a mistress. Behavior is the truth. If you have asked him to leave his wife and he is still with her he is not going to be with you.
For more information on becoming a more differentiated women who wants more for herself than someone else’s problems and wants to hold herself in high esteem contact me at (858) 735-1139.