Jumpstart Your Sex For The Week

Jumpstart Your Sex For The Week.  We all have stressful days during our work week.  As a Marriage Counselor I get questions like, “I commute and work long hours and when I come home for the day all I want to do is get into my house clothes, eat dinner, grab a glass of wine and veg in front of the t.v.  I don’t have any energy for much else especially sex.  What can I do to get myself in the mood?”  This wife isn’t intentionally committing relationship suicide, but without professional intervention or Couples Counseling, they could be on a downhill spiral where coming back could present a challenge.
When you come home for the day do you go straight for the mail?  Give your husband a quick hello kiss then attend to the pets or kids?  Are you still on your cell phone answering just one more message?  We live in such a goal-oriented society where making money and getting ahead in our career is top priority.  We forget how to play and have fun.  There is no balance in our work life and play life.  If couples put in the same effort into their sex life as they do in their work life they could experience that energy they had at the beginning of their relationship.
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Eroticism at home requires active engagement and willful intent.  It doesn’t just happen.  It requires you carve out and create your own space where a sense of intrigue and curiosity can emerge.  Sex Therapist and Author Ester Perel offers some tips to jumpstart your sex for the week:

1. Build anticipation throughout the day
Committed sex is premeditated. Anticipation and imagination are the precursors and can be as enchanting as the act itself. For example, imagine you have tickets to go hear a favorite band. Throughout the day, you’ll be savoring the thought of the songs they may play, what you’ll wear, the memories that you will share, of other times you saw this band, etc. Unconsciously, you’re setting expectations and building anticipation for a wonderful night, and you feel energized and alive. It is the same sexually speaking.

• Let your partner know that tonight, you want to create a digital free zone in the home and all devices are cut off at 9:30pm.
• Send a suggestive text or email to your partner.
• Buy wine, lube or flowers on your lunch break: whatever invites love-making in your unique dynamic.

2. Create and maintain a relaxing ritual at the end of the day
No matter whether you commute, or work from home, you must mark the end of your work day by entering a soothing ritual of your choice. It can be an indulgent, playful, or a guilty pleasure. Shift your context by sending a message to your brain: it’s time to start relaxing. If you spend most of your day sitting down, try incorporating any movement into your ritual. If you’re on your feet, try reading or listening to music. Go for a walk. Take a shower. Read a magazine. Whatever works for you.

3. Connect with your partner when you get home
Are you the person who comes into the house and looks at the mail first, or checks the pets, or the plants, or the windows? If so, remember this: People first. It’s important to give your relationship your focused attention. Make it a habit to kiss your partner when you get home. It doesn’t need to be blatantly sexual. It’s the focused attention that invites the erotic. Even a loving gaze sets the right tone.

4. Change the mood and ambiance
Create the space in which you transition from your roles as parents/business partners/friends, into your roles as lovers. Shift from focusing on your responsibility for others to self care. Again, no pressure, even if there is no sex, you’ll enjoy being physical and sensual together. Here are some simple ideas to set the stage:
• Put on your pre-set love making tracks
• Take a short walk
• Open a bottle of wine
• Draw a bath
• Light candles
• Read out loud to each other (not about the election)

These are not immediate turn ons, but they help you switch mindset, mood, and sensibility. The point is to create an erotic space where pleasure exists for its own sake, where “pleasure is the measure” and where sex can take place without pressure. By successfully managing the transition from work to home, you can create space to enter a playful erotic zone.

For more information about how to enhance your sex life please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

How To Reignite Your Sex Life

How To Reignite Your Sex Life.  According to Sexperts (sex experts) relationships are always hot and heavy in the beginning.  When the Honeymoon Phase has runs its course long-term relationships experience a lull in the bedroom.  As a Marriage Counselor working with couples for 21 years people come into see me seeking help to revitalize the passion in their marriage.  Sex is an important and healthy part of any relationship and keeping the passion alive takes effort.

The fact is the hot and heavy stage of a relationship won’t last forever.  It’s important to allow you to appreciate other parts of your relationship so the pressure of keeping the passion going doesn’t end with too much resentment. As a Couples Counselor I develop individual Moving Forward Plans for couples to enhance and stabilize their relationships and revive mundane sex lives.

Keeping the passion going in and out of bed takes alot of work and effort on both parts.  If you keep doing the same old thing expect the same old thing.  In reviving your sex life you need to make a plan for doing so.  Couples need to carve out and honor the time they spend together making love/having sex.  That means creating the space and setting the mood.  It doesn’t happen automatically. 


Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net and imagerymajestic

Here are 8 Tips that Sexperts share for heating things up in the bedroom.

1. Talk about it, even if it feels awkward to bring up.  

If you want to get back to having sex, you’re going to have to bring up the elephant in the room: Tell your partner you’re unhappy with your sex life and want things to change. The important thing is to be real with each other and gauge whether or not your partner feels similarly, said Angela Skurtu, a St. Louis based therapist.

“Have a direct conversation about what you each are willing to do to rebuild your sex life,” she said. “You need to both agree that you are unhappy with the quality and frequency and be willing to commit time and energy into rebuilding it.”

If one of you is perfectly content with your lackluster sex life, you may need to see a therapist, Skurtu said.

2. Flirt shamelessly.

If at this point, you can count the number of times you’ve held hands in the last year, it’s not a good thing. Once you’ve had the conversation above, flirting with your spouse is the best way to demonstrate that you mean business about having sex again, said Skurtu.

“Talk to your partner about what styles of flirtation you find exciting as well — ‘I like it when you kiss me randomly and then go do something else. It leaves me wanting more!'” Skurtu offered as an example. “You can also send flirty texts, just start to be playful again.”

3. Don’t wait for your partner — go solo.

Just because sex with your partner is infrequent doesn’t mean you’re not a sexual person. Masturbating more often is one of the most liberating moves you can make during this sexless period, said Charlotte Mia Rose.

“Everyone has an individual sexuality that is theirs alone, that can then be shared with a partner,” she said. “If your partner’s libido is gone, you can still have a rich and active sex life! This is a revolutionary way to think about sex in a couples-obsessed culture and it goes way beyond masturbation: You can enjoy all of the sensual pleasures of life, get into the best shape of your life and otherwise enjoy being in your body.”

In the end, the more you “cultivate your own sexuality, the more you’ll have to offer your partner when they are ready to reconnect,” she said.

4. Carve out time for a weekly sex date.

Scheduling time for sex may sound supremely unsexy but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. When you and your partner have hit your stride again, you’ll think back fondly on your days of Google calendar-suggested sex.

“If you haven’t had intercourse for a long time, don’t think that you can hop in bed now and get right on that,” said Tammy Nelson, a sex therapist and the author of Getting the Sex You Want. “With a sex date on the calendar, you are more likely to plan out what you can do to make it fun, different and exciting.”

5. Hug and touch on a regular basis.

Bringing sexy back isn’t going to happen overnight, but it helps to remember that making a connection doesn’t have to be an all or nothing deal. Start with a massage or simply touching and work your way up to sex, said sex educator Chris Maxwell Rose.

“Affectionate touch is just as important to the health of a relationship as passionate sex,” she explained. “Even if you aren’t having sex, try to add more casual affection into your days; long hugs, kissing and cuddling are all wonderful ways to express your love.”

Take baby steps and aim for at least one long hug (at least 20 seconds or longer to trigger the release of Oxytocin) or cuddling session a day.

6. Revisit your sexual highlights as a couple.

You don’t want to dwell on the past (of course things were hotter in the beginning) but revisiting the highlight reel of your sex life may remind your spouse what you two are missing, Skurtu said.

“Start from the beginning and be specific: ‘You remember when we were on that hike in the woods and we ended up having sex?'” Skurtu said. “Go through old sex stories play by play and talk about how it felt for each of you during those experiences. This skill can help couples begin to feel that old spark together.”

7. If something feels good, go with it.

You may have had certain preferences back in the day. As you re-approach sex again, give yourself permission to experiment with whatever comes naturally and feels right to you both, Nelson said. It may help you get out of your rut.

“If you ate ravioli every night of the week for year after year, wouldn’t you be totally sick of ravioli?” she said. “Try something new. You aren’t going to have sex if you’ve been together for a long time and sex has become boring or mundane.”

8. Romance each other.

Aside from sex dates, make a plan to go on actual dates, Skurtu said.  

“Go on a classic long walk on the beach, dress up sexy for each other or light a fire at home,” she said. “The key is to put some effort into the time you spend with your spouse.”

And if your date night turns into a sex night, just consider it a bonus.

As I continue to work with my couples in Couples Counseling we incorporate all of the above tips to help reignite a lackluster sex life.  If you want more than what you’ve been experiencing with your sex life contact me at (858) 735-1139 and we can start planning how to revive your once hot and heavy romance.

Enhancing Your Relationship

Enhancing Your Relationship.  To become acquainted with oneself can be a terrible shock. Emotionally committed relationships bring excitement and passion into our lives, especially when they are new.  Over time, however, we come across roadblocks based on personal issues that can distance us from our partners.  When we first enter into a committed relationship, we may think that we have found the answer to life’s problems, that we have a partner to share in daily turmoil, that we will never be alone again, that it will be smooth sailing from here on out. If we base relationships on these assumptions, however, we may be sorely disappointed when our partners fail to live up to these expectations. There is a strong probability that if we look to another person to provide fulfillment, we will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of our own disappointment. This pattern is the reason for a great deal of discord in committed relationships.

Many people who come in for couples counseling hope that the therapy will change their partner because they are convinced that the partner is the source of the problem.
Over time many relationships enter a stage where the partners feel distant from each other. The initial passion, sexual freedom, intimacy, and feelings of connectedness with the partner fade. Either person may begin to feel that, although they love their partner, they are no longer “in love,” feeling like roommates.  At the same time, both partners may feel that they have lost themselves in the relationship. They have given so much to the relationship in terms of their time, their energies, and their emotions that they have lost what made them feel unique as individuals. They have abandoned old friendships, hobbies, and activities that brought interest and excitement to their own lives in order to devote time and energy to the relationship. When a feeling of distance comes to define the relationship, resentment toward the partner may emerge.

How does a relationship, which may have once shown such promise, end up in a place where the two partners feel distant and may not even like each other very much (even though they feel that love is still there)? The answer lies within. Two people who come together in an emotional commitment carry with them a legacy of their own fears, anxieties, and unresolved problems. It is sometimes uncomfortable for us to come to terms with our own baggage. It is, in fact, so troublesome that we are unable to look within ourselves. When that happens, we tend to attribute the problem to our partners, a process called projection. Rather than accepting the fact that our partners are just being themselves and probably have the best of intentions, we define the source of our own anxiety as lying within the other person. When we feel uncomfortable about something our partners say or do, we may not realize that our discomfort may derive from a source that we have not examined within ourselves like our own control issues, our jealousy, our insecurity, or our fear of dependence or independence.
Our partners may simply be triggering our own unresolved difficulties. The clue is to search within our own lives to see why we have difficulty with these issues.  And this is no small task. To become acquainted with oneself is indeed a terrible shock.
For more information on the topic please contact me at (858) 735-1139.