marriage counseling near me Archives

We Are Products Of Our Childhood

March 20, 2022 by Sarah

We Are Products Of Our Childhood. We see the world through personal experiences from childhood and behave accordingly. Do you have a difficult time managing your emotions? I have clients who can’t manage their emotions because they don’t know what they are. Instead, they act out through unattractive behavior, which makes them look and feel bad. We all have a narrative we created by what happened and what didn’t happen while growing up. This narrative, I sometimes refer to as the”cartoons” in our minds stir up uncomfortable feelings like anxiety, anger, and fear. These cartoons are made up of what our “inner child” thinks and feels. The inner child is who you are from birth to seventeen years, whose experiences of embarrassment and humiliation get the adult you in trouble. Our inner child still exists within us. Despite our chronological age, the inner child sometimes causes us to revert to a younger emotional age in order to manage life’s stressful situations. In essence, we revert to a lower emotional maturity, which can seriously throw our lives off balance and affect our dearest relationships.

We Are Products Of Our Childhood

The inner child often carries and conceals negative childhood experiences, and our adult selves, regardless of how emotionally developed we think we are, frequently need help addressing and resolving childhood traumas, wounds and abuse. This trauma not only affects your primary relationship, but all your relationships.

Inner child wounds:

Abandonment – feels left out; fears being left; hates being alone; co-dependent; threatens to leave; normally attracts emotionally unavailable people.
Neglect – struggles to let things go; has low self-worth; gets angry easily; struggles to say “no”; represses emotions; fears being vulnerable; normally attracts people who don’t appreciate them or make them feel “seen”
Trust – is afraid to be hurt; doesn’t trust themselves; finds ways to not trust people; feels insecure and needs lots of external validation; doesn’t feel safe; normally attracts people who don’t feel safe
Guilt – feels “sorry” or “bad”; doesn’t ask for things; uses guilt to manipulate; is afraid to set boundaries; normally attracts people who make them feel guilty

Things Your Inner Child Needs To Hear:

It’s not your fault when other people are in bad moods
It’s okay to feel
You’re a good person and I love you
You are worth protecting
You’re not alone; I’m with you
You are beautiful and loved
What happened to you was not your fault

What you can do to heal your inner child:

Acknowledge your inner child
Listen to what your inner child has to say
Write a letter
Give meditation a try
Learn to do some breath work
Bring back the fun parts of your childhood
Talk to a therapist trained to do “inner child” work

When needs for love, recognition, praise, and other types of emotional support go unmet in childhood, the trauma that results can last well into your adult life.

But it’s never too late to heal. By learning to nurture your inner child, you can validate these needs, learn to express emotions in healthy ways, and increase self-compassion and self-love.

For more information please contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or (858)735-1139

My Perspective Your Perspective

June 27, 2022March 13, 2022 by Sarah

My Perspective Your Perspective. No one is right or wrong in their perspective, but both partners often feel misunderstood and rejected or judged and criticized for their opinions and beliefs. Depending on how your family systems operated parents are either supportive and validating or judgmental and critical. Parents do the best they can based on what was role modeled to them in their own family of origins. Often times criticisms were used to try and motivate their children so they become successful. If this isn’t obvious to being counterproductive, please take an effective parenting class.

My Perspective Your Perspective

Anyone who has been in a relationship knows the power of perspective. Good communication is key for being able to share because being able to see a situation from someone else’s eyes helps with being able to show empathy and make a connection. As a marriage counselor, I help couples appreciate how each sees situations. Who’s to say one way is better than another? When working with neurodiverse couples in therapy, one of the key elements is helping each partner understand the concept of different yet equally valid perspectives.Who’s to say there is only one way to look at things? I believe a person’s perspective is valid. In couples counseling, the husband and wife are both correct. I also interject that my own perspective is correct. Meaning perspectives are correct for the person having them.

To be successful in relationships it’s imperative to be able to respect each other’s opinions. It helps to acquire tools for communicating that respect. A tool I developed for doing just that is a three-step process I call REV. This tool helps stabilize acting-out behavior to continue a conversation productively. REV (or, as I say in therapy, REV if up?) reduces defensiveness with connection to allow space for a healthy resolution.

REV creates an emotional connectedness needed for intimacy when having normal conversations.

The three steps are as follows:

Do Reflective listening – mirror back the words you heard from your partner
Show Empathy
Validate.

The process of using REV makes conflict easier to discuss. Showing empathy for feelings and validating each keeps conversation neutral enough to come to a resolution and deescalates potential volatility. Using REV in conversations, with no conflict present, makes for a feeling of being seen and heard, which leads to a connectedness otherwise not developed. In other words, REV can make all the difference between staying calm and collected and starting WWIII.

Healthy couples know how to show each other empathy when feelings are shared. Healthy couples know how to validate each other’s thoughts, opinions, and perspectives. If you cannot or will not appreciate each other’s perspective, power struggles can exist which makes for a downward spiral which may put distance between the pair.

If you’d like more information on the REV tool and how it manages conflict please contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

Recovering From An Affair

March 6, 2022 by Sarah

Recovering From An Affair. Infidelity can destroy a marriage. It can also provide an opportunity to seek the silver lining that leads to a radical marriage upgrade. Depending on what you learned about healthy relationships and what it takes to be in one, acting out behavior is a symptom of the problem within the relationship. When thoughts and feelings are not expressed they can be acted out behaviorally, looking like an adult tantrum. Not effective and can feel embarrassing once you snap out of it. Poor boundaries and unresolved inner child trauma can lead to making poor choices. Engaging in an affair is a conscious choice even when alcohol is involved. That’s why it is difficult to work through.

Recovering From An Affair

The betrayal of trust and sexual infidelity require much talking together to heal. On such a sensitive topic, it is imperative that couples acquire especially strong cooperative dialogue while proceeding with caution in affair recovery. Recovery after upsetting events is a skill set that all couples need. One they especially need to utilize after the trauma of an infidelity. There is good prognosis for full recovery, even after long-standing or multiples affairs. Ideally, recovery ends up with both having learned and grown.

It’s important that the more aware the betrayed spouse becomes of his or her own role in the development of the affair, the more quickly he or she is likely to recover. I help both partners obtain the insight needed to understand why the affair happened where they both articulate their part in the breakdown of their relationship. I do this without judgement or criticism and reassure the hurt partner that whatever both contributed, the affair is never condoned.

Guidelines for recovering from an affair include:

Seek couple’s therapy with a therapist who specializes in affair recovery
End the affair (poor prognosis if affair continues)
Structure the communication about the affair
Acquire tools for communication
Being able to initiate conversation
Share thoughts and feelings
Ask for what you need and want
Have the ability to show empathy (different from having empathy)
Validate each other’s perspective
Reaffirm commitment to the marriage
Create transparency and rebuild trust
Exercise patience and reciprocation

As an Affair Recovery Specialist, I have written multiple blogs on affair recovery, affair prevention, and reasons to seek marriage counseling. The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much
empathy the unfaithful partner (affair partner) shows for the pain they have caused the hurt partner where the hurt partner is willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out why the affair happened, and more
importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again.

For more information about relationships and how I work with couples please visit my Blog at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com/relationships or website at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

Not all marriage counselors are the same. I have been working with infidelity recovery for over 20 years and can say my couples are able to move forward in developing a new kind of marriage that works for both.

Please feel free to contact me at (858) 735-1139.

How To Talk To Someone With Autism

February 27, 2022 by Sarah

How To Talk To Someone With Autism. Asperger’s is a previously used diagnosis on the autism spectrum. In 2013 Asperger’s became part of one umbrella diagnosis now known as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5 (DSM-5). “If you’ve met one person with Asperger’s you’ve met one person with Asperger’s.” – Dr. Stephen M. Shore (a former AANE Board President) We’ve all come across people with odd behavior. No one’s perfect and who’s to say I don’t have odd behavior. “He without sin cast the first stone.” – John 8:1-11 Meaning only those who are faultless have the right to pass judgment upon others (implying that no one is faultless and that, therefore, no one has such a right to pass judgment). As human beings we tend to judge and criticize things we know little about. Rather than mock at something that is foreign, learn more about why it could be making you feel uncomfortable. People with Asperger’s don’t realize they are behaving in ways that make the general population uneasy. If you think you feel anxiety around a person with Asperger’s they feel the same way interacting with neurotypicals.

How To Talk To Someone With Autism

I happen to be married to a man on the Autism Spectrum. Even though Asperger’s is no longer used clinically, we both find the term “Aspie” endearing, so I continue to use the term in my writings. I apologize if it offends some people but I mean no disrespect when using the term.

When we meet people we either connect, don’t connect, or are indifferent. When talking to a person on the Autism Spectrum they may appear aloof, indifferent, or even rude. They don’t mean to be but social settings can be anxiety provoking for some. Aspies can make you feel uncomfortable but, guess what, neurotypicals make them feel the same way. Expressing themselves can be difficult as they don’t always have the words to express their feelings. Aspies can tend to become overloaded (flooded with emotions) when interacting and stimming is a way to manage sensory stimuli like loud noises or bright light. Examples of stimming include rocking, flapping hands, flicking or snapping fingers, or twirling or bouncing when sitting or standing. My husband tends to rub his index finger or middle finger against his thumbs. They may miss nonverbal cues come off as stupid, mean or offensive.

People not on the spectrum form conclusions during conversation based on nonverbal and emotional cues. If you notice that the person you’re talking to isn’t doing that, you might be talking to someone on the autism spectrum. To demonstrate the challenges that Aspies go through, try closing your eyes the next time somebody is talking to you. It will give you some perspective on how much they are missing then in conversation.

When speaking to someone with Autism:

Be kind
Be patient
Listen carefully
Pay attention
Guide the conversation
Be respectful of differences

For more information on being more mindful when talking to someone on the Autism Spectrum contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

Strategies For Making An Asperger Marriage Work

June 29, 2022February 20, 2022 by Sarah

Strategies For Making An Asperger Marriage Work. Just like anything else, if you want a favorable outcome put a system in place that includes acquiring communication tools, implementation of a process using those tools, and an open mind putting in the effort. In my own neurodiverse marriage I have done just that. As a certified neurodiverse couples counselor/coach I put individualized systems in place where moving forward is possible. Traditional marriage counseling is not effective and can sometimes be detrimental for good prognosis. Strategies can help build meaningful relationships and develop emotional connectedness so communication is less transaction and more relational.

Strategies For Making An Asperger Marriage Work

14 Strategies courtesy of Asperger/Autism Network (AANE)

Pursuing a diagnosis or profile to acknowledge/appreciate characteristics or traits
Accepting the diagnosis to the degree that it helps partners to continue to seek information
Staying motivated
Understanding how AS impacts the individual
Managing depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
Self-exploration and self-awareness
Creating a Relationship Schedule
Meeting each other’s sexual needs
Bridging parallel play
Coping with sensory overload and meltdowns
Expanding Theory of Mind
Improving communication
Co-parenting strategies
Managing expectations and suspending judgment

Strategies For Making An Asperger Marriage Work

All of the steps and strategies described can be addressed in neurodiverse couples counseling. In my own marriage these strategies help both my AS husband and myself gain awareness of our own individual patterns of behavior, and learn how they can make both attitudinal and behavioral adjustments to get more out of our relationship. As a neurodiverse couples counselor, I facilitate conversations and help both partners learn better communication skills. I addition, I help couples brainstorm, strategize, connect emotionally, and problem-solve around sensory integration issues, meltdowns, and co-morbid conditions such as anxiety and depression, as well as talk about sexual needs.

While many of the issues and challenges that some couples in an AS marriage face can seem similar, it is important to remember that every individual with AS is different, and each marriage unique. Not all of these strategies will be equally effective for or apply to everyone. Each couple has to brainstorm and trouble-shoot their marriage based on what works for their unique situation and needs. As in any marriage, the key practices for anyone seeking a happy and loving relationship are awareness, understanding, compassion, connection, respect, passion, and trust.

For more information about making your asperger marriage work contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.