relationship counseling san diego Archives

We Are Products Of Our Childhood

March 20, 2022 by Sarah

We Are Products Of Our Childhood. We see the world through personal experiences from childhood and behave accordingly. Do you have a difficult time managing your emotions? I have clients who can’t manage their emotions because they don’t know what they are. Instead, they act out through unattractive behavior, which makes them look and feel bad. We all have a narrative we created by what happened and what didn’t happen while growing up. This narrative, I sometimes refer to as the”cartoons” in our minds stir up uncomfortable feelings like anxiety, anger, and fear. These cartoons are made up of what our “inner child” thinks and feels. The inner child is who you are from birth to seventeen years, whose experiences of embarrassment and humiliation get the adult you in trouble. Our inner child still exists within us. Despite our chronological age, the inner child sometimes causes us to revert to a younger emotional age in order to manage life’s stressful situations. In essence, we revert to a lower emotional maturity, which can seriously throw our lives off balance and affect our dearest relationships.

We Are Products Of Our Childhood

The inner child often carries and conceals negative childhood experiences, and our adult selves, regardless of how emotionally developed we think we are, frequently need help addressing and resolving childhood traumas, wounds and abuse. This trauma not only affects your primary relationship, but all your relationships.

Inner child wounds:

Abandonment – feels left out; fears being left; hates being alone; co-dependent; threatens to leave; normally attracts emotionally unavailable people.
Neglect – struggles to let things go; has low self-worth; gets angry easily; struggles to say “no”; represses emotions; fears being vulnerable; normally attracts people who don’t appreciate them or make them feel “seen”
Trust – is afraid to be hurt; doesn’t trust themselves; finds ways to not trust people; feels insecure and needs lots of external validation; doesn’t feel safe; normally attracts people who don’t feel safe
Guilt – feels “sorry” or “bad”; doesn’t ask for things; uses guilt to manipulate; is afraid to set boundaries; normally attracts people who make them feel guilty

Things Your Inner Child Needs To Hear:

It’s not your fault when other people are in bad moods
It’s okay to feel
You’re a good person and I love you
You are worth protecting
You’re not alone; I’m with you
You are beautiful and loved
What happened to you was not your fault

What you can do to heal your inner child:

Acknowledge your inner child
Listen to what your inner child has to say
Write a letter
Give meditation a try
Learn to do some breath work
Bring back the fun parts of your childhood
Talk to a therapist trained to do “inner child” work

When needs for love, recognition, praise, and other types of emotional support go unmet in childhood, the trauma that results can last well into your adult life.

But it’s never too late to heal. By learning to nurture your inner child, you can validate these needs, learn to express emotions in healthy ways, and increase self-compassion and self-love.

For more information please contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or (858)735-1139

My Perspective Your Perspective

June 27, 2022March 13, 2022 by Sarah

My Perspective Your Perspective. No one is right or wrong in their perspective, but both partners often feel misunderstood and rejected or judged and criticized for their opinions and beliefs. Depending on how your family systems operated parents are either supportive and validating or judgmental and critical. Parents do the best they can based on what was role modeled to them in their own family of origins. Often times criticisms were used to try and motivate their children so they become successful. If this isn’t obvious to being counterproductive, please take an effective parenting class.

My Perspective Your Perspective

Anyone who has been in a relationship knows the power of perspective. Good communication is key for being able to share because being able to see a situation from someone else’s eyes helps with being able to show empathy and make a connection. As a marriage counselor, I help couples appreciate how each sees situations. Who’s to say one way is better than another? When working with neurodiverse couples in therapy, one of the key elements is helping each partner understand the concept of different yet equally valid perspectives.Who’s to say there is only one way to look at things? I believe a person’s perspective is valid. In couples counseling, the husband and wife are both correct. I also interject that my own perspective is correct. Meaning perspectives are correct for the person having them.

To be successful in relationships it’s imperative to be able to respect each other’s opinions. It helps to acquire tools for communicating that respect. A tool I developed for doing just that is a three-step process I call REV. This tool helps stabilize acting-out behavior to continue a conversation productively. REV (or, as I say in therapy, REV if up?) reduces defensiveness with connection to allow space for a healthy resolution.

REV creates an emotional connectedness needed for intimacy when having normal conversations.

The three steps are as follows:

Do Reflective listening – mirror back the words you heard from your partner
Show Empathy
Validate.

The process of using REV makes conflict easier to discuss. Showing empathy for feelings and validating each keeps conversation neutral enough to come to a resolution and deescalates potential volatility. Using REV in conversations, with no conflict present, makes for a feeling of being seen and heard, which leads to a connectedness otherwise not developed. In other words, REV can make all the difference between staying calm and collected and starting WWIII.

Healthy couples know how to show each other empathy when feelings are shared. Healthy couples know how to validate each other’s thoughts, opinions, and perspectives. If you cannot or will not appreciate each other’s perspective, power struggles can exist which makes for a downward spiral which may put distance between the pair.

If you’d like more information on the REV tool and how it manages conflict please contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

Relationship Lies

February 6, 2022 by Sarah

Relationship Lies. Why Do Couples Lie? Why do people lie in general? Did you ever lie when you were a kid? Do you lie to your partner? Does your partner lie to you? As a young girl I lied to be able to get what I wanted. They were never bad lies but, nevertheless, was meant to manipulate something my way. As a teenager I lied so I could stay out past my curfew. We all lie to some degree to avoid punishment. Lying allows a person to establish perceived control over a situation by manipulating it. They may be white lies or fibs but, nevertheless, they are lies. Then there are bad lies that tend to hurt oneself and others. Lying can become a character flaw if there is a pattern with no regret.

Relationship Lies

Sadly, we live in a world where lying has become a fairly common occurrence. Thank goodness there are now organizations specializing in fact checking political statements and business releases to uncover the fabrications often presented. Of course, it’s not just politicians or business leaders with a monopoly on fibbing to us. Lies happen in most homes, whether it’s the little boy standing over the smashed vase he says he didn’t break, or the teenager offering a story for why she was an hour past her curfew.

For many lies, the reasons are complicated. Sometimes it’s to protect the liar from being punished, or to protect someone else from punishment. The lie might be to avoid being embarrassed, to hide an awkward situation, or to simply have others think better of the person telling the fib. Such lying isn’t admirable, but not hard to understand why it occurs.

Reasons people lie in general:

trying to control a situation
to avoid disappointing someone.
It’s not a lie to them
Lies snowball
they want it to be true
avoid a consequence
survival
to present a good image
to keep a secret

woman lying to keep secret

to be liked
to manipulate
may have a personality disorder which includes Compulsive and Pathological Lying

Why do couples lie? People lie in relationships to save face, avoid conflict, protect their egos, protect their image, and just to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings. When I was a young married woman I would lie to my husband about what a piece of clothing or personal article cost to avoid judgement or criticism. Due to a low level of self-esteem in those days I didn’t think I deserved to spend money the way I wanted. Lying was my inner child doing what I learned growing up so I got what I wanted. In developing my sense of self I became a more grounded person to be able to ask for what I need and want. I don’t need to lie to get what I want.

Lying in relationships can be detrimental for long term harmony. For some it can end it as honesty is an integral part of moving forward. Being able to initiate conversation, share thoughts and feeling, and ask for what you need and want makes it so you don’t have to lie to get what is desired.

Relationship lies:

You say you’re available, but you’re not…legally
You say you’re available, but you’re not…emotionally
You’re not fessing up about your past
Money matters

You really want (or don’t want) kids
You cheated

You’re not ill, and pretending to be
You’re ill, and pretending not to be
You’re pretending it’s OK with you, but it’s not—especially in bed
You say “yes” when you really mean”no”

Discovering one partner has been lying is not always a deal breaker. Just like any other couples issue working through this one can be a silver lining in making your relationship stronger than ever, if it leads to newfound openness and better communication.

For more information on relationship lies and trust please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

Asperger’s And Intimacy

February 23, 2023January 30, 2022 by Sarah

Asperger’s And Intimacy. Again, for those new to my Blog, I use the word “Asperger/Aspie” in a fond way with no demeaning label. Intimacy in a relationship is a feeling of being close, emotionally connected and supported. Being able to share a range of thoughts, feelings and experiences that involves both physical and emotional intimacy makes for a content romantic relationship. In my work with neurodiverse couples, it makes all the difference in moving forward when their sex lives are good. Being married to someone with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) has many challenges. But I find with good sex lives, just like couples who aren’t on the Spectrum, makes for good long term results.

Asperger’s And Intimacy

Jennifer and Jerry have been married for 21 years. For the first 10 years Jennifer thought her husband was not showing her the attention she wanted. When they were dating he was shy and she thought it was endearing. He’s a brilliant man but lacked in social graces and fell short when it came to planning romantic outings. When it came to sex she noticed whenever he was interested he acted like a shy teenage boy making jokes to deflect intimacy. His physical approach to her was awkward if not clumsy and when going for her breasts he would grab them in such a way that she found it a turn off. Ok, there’s cute, then there’s “what’s up with that move?”

Sex is a hard topic to talk about whether you’re married to someone on the spectrum or not. In closed family systems members seldom talk about feelings, let alone sex. In neurodiverse relationships, it can be even harder to communicate because of the language difference. Sex is full of nonverbal cues that can be misunderstood. A wide range of emotions to a partner on the spectrum can be challenging as sensory triggers such as touch, smell, taste and sound can be overwhelming.

Sex is important in healthy relationships. Sex doesn’t necessarily have to be intercourse. Lying in bed hugging with or without clothes, kissing, touching, erotic massage and using sex toys are forms of giving and receiving pleasure. Oral sex can be a challenge due to sensory triggers but doesn’t necessarily have to be ruled out.

Maxine Aston (2001) in her study of Asperger’s and sexual intimacy found that fifty percent of Asperger’s (AS) and neurotypical (NT) couples had no sexual activity within their relationship. In fact, “there was no affection or tactile expression whatsoever.”

Tony Attwood notes, “one of the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome can be emotional and social immaturity.” Rather than experiencing sex as an emotionally compatible act, AS-NT couples frequently experience themselves playing out, by necessity, parent-child roles which kills any chance of sexual arousal.

Is there any hope for couples in which one partner has Asperger’s? Yes, of course. If both partners are motivated to change, then they can have a more satisfying sex life, one that makes each partner feel wanted and accepted. But a satisfying sex life generally starts outside the bedroom. Partners first need to educate themselves about Asperger’s so that they can understand how it is affecting their intimate relationship. The best indicator for a good sex life is being able to communicate. Being able to initiate conversation, share thoughts and feeling, and ask for what you need and want is effective communication.

Developing sex date protocols may also be helpful to ensure both partners get what they want. Learning to give verbal feedback about sex without creating defensiveness is another valuable skill. Being realistic about what may or may not change in the bedroom is another facet of acceptance of the diagnosis of Asperger’s.

For more information about Asperger’s and sexual intimacy contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

Relationship Coaching

January 23, 2022 by Sarah

Relationship Coaching. People often ask me what’s the difference between a life coach and a therapist? One of the most fundamental differences lies in the process and purpose. Therapists help clients explore the cause(s) of their problems. As we are products of our upbringing that often means digging into past traumas, hurts, or unhealthy patterns. Therapists help their clients understand how they got to where they are and how to break what can sometimes be destructive habits. Therapist are trained to treat mental, emotional, and psychological disorders.

Relationship Coaching

Coaches on the other hand, focus on their clients’ futures. They help their clients identify actions that will move them forward and introduce strategies for solving problems and overcoming obstacles. Coaches help their clients build the bridge from where they are to where they want to be. A relationship coach is someone who supports individuals and couples in learning vital skills for relating, especially in marriages and romantic partnerships. Relationship coaches teach you to develop conflict resolution skills and offer tools to deepen intimacy and pleasure. The couple determines what they want to work on or enhance. The coaching gets that couple results sooner rather than later unlike talk therapy where the process can take longer due to gathering information from individual sessions to assess for personal issues that may affect couple’s issues.

Relationship coaching includes:

Achieving clarity about each partners’ vision, goals, and values
Developing mutual understanding and acceptance of differences in personality and gender
Getting a reality check; each partner being accountable to their identified requirements and needs
Developing strategies for testing and decision-making
Addressing emotional and compatibility issues
Discovering and overcoming issues and obstacles
Developing mutual understanding and acceptance of differences in personality and gender
Identifying and negotiating mutual wants, needs, and goals
Building lasting intimacy, trust, communication, love, fulfillment

Reasons for relationship coaching:

You are serious about having a successful life partnership.
Working with a coach can move you farther and faster than you can move on your own or in talk therapy.
You don’t know what you don’t know, and your success may depend upon access to new information about yourself and relationships.
Using a coach can be the most effective means of translating knowledge into practice. One of the most indispensable roles of a coach is to help you use what you already know to make effective choices and take the actions necessary to be successful.
You deserve to get what you want. You do not want to settle for less or risk failure, and you are willing to gift yourself with the support and technology needed to ensure success.

As I have helped more than 2,000 couples over the past 25 years I have the professional and personal experience to move couples into the 21st Century getting them what they want. For more information on life and relationship coaching please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com