Would You Stay If Your Husband Cheated?

Would You Stay If Your Husband Cheated?  Finding out your husband has cheated on you is about the worst pain and heartache that comes from such a betrayal.  If you’ve ever been cheated on you know that feeling of devastation when you first find out as your heart starts to race, you experience difficulty in breathing, and you feel as afraid as you are angry. Your head tells you to leave but your heart tells you to stay.  Your family and friends take your side as they try to comfort you, but offer little help as they encourage you to leave as they state you can’t trust a cheater and cheaters never change.  But is that always the case?

Would You Stay If Your Husband Cheated?

These days about 65% of couples stay together after an affair.  That’s two-thirds of all couples who discover some form of infidelity, whether emotional or sexual. Many of those relationships not only survive but do better in the long run after affair recovery as they are forced to look at their relationship issues and move forward developing a New Monogamy or a new relationship that works better than the former. People who’ve been betrayed need to know that there’s no shame in staying in the marriage.

In my 25 years of working with couples, I have found that couples who choose to recover from and rebuild after infidelity often end up with a stronger, more loving and mutually understanding relationship than they had previously. Three goals make staying together a possibility if both work toward creating something new between the two of them moving forward:

  1. Move toward Empathy rather than Forgiveness.
  2. Be completely honest.  What do you have to lose at this point. There could be a Silver Lining, as relationship you’ve always wanted.
  3. Find a support system.  A therapist who specializes in Affair Recovery and Infidelity.

Recovering from infidelity is hard work and the process cannot be rushed. Many of my clients have shared that had it not been for their husband’s affair, they’d never have looked at, discussed, and healed some of the underlying issues that were broken at the foundation of their relationship. Rather than destroying the marriage, the affair acted as a catalyst for positive changes.

For more information on how to divorce your old marriage and start anew with a relationship that is more honest and loving contact at (858) 735-1139  to start developing gaining the insight and self-awareness that will give you the capacity to change your relationship.

We’re Not As Monogamous As We May Think

We’re Not As Monogamous As We May Think.  Remember that quote from former President Jimmy Carter in Playboy magazine “I’ve looked on many women with lust.  I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.  God knows I will do this and forgives me.” How many of us do the same thing?  An anonymous online survey was taken asking what behaviors would be considered Infidelity.

 The results are as follows:

  1. 73 out of 100 people thought falling in love with someone other than their partner with no sexual contact still counted as an infidelity.
  2. 31% thinks staying up all night talking to someone else constitutes cheating.
  3. 7%  thinks just thinking about another person inappropriately was unacceptable.

So where do you draw the line when it comes to Infidelity.  Being nice to someone who is nice to you? Reciprocating a sweet gesture?  Human connections are the lifeline of emotional survival.  To have conversations with the opposite sex that are genuine, deep and filled with substance can be fulfilling, especially if you aren’t receiving that connection with your partner.  Even the most fleeting kindness and flirtations with strangers enhance our well-being.  These brief moments of human interchange can heighten are senses all around.  Why wouldn’t it spike up intimate feelings?

Thinking such thoughts and acting on them are two different things, however, the thoughts do exist.  We may think because we are with one partner and haven’t had intercourse with another makes us monogamous.  As a Marriage Counselor, I speak to men and women who are in monogamous relationships yet talk about how they are attracted to someone at their place of work, a parent at their children’s school or how the neighbor next door is sweet to them.  They admit they flirt and like the attention they receive when engaging in “harmless” sexual banter. Sure the energy you receive from that connection is exhilarating.

More importantly, what do you do with that energy?  The ideal is to take that energy and incorporate it into your monogamous relationship and enhance that connection.  Some people do.  The point here is that as much as we say we believe in Monogamy, our behaviors don’t always support it. We continue to laugh and flirt with the opposite sex and encourage the excitement that can make our day.

So when these opposite-sex friendships serve the purpose of enhancing your experiences and adding to your life it’s difficult to comprehend what exactly is so out of bounds about it.

For more information on putting internal and external boundaries in place call me at (858) 735-1139, so you know when you may be crossing that line.

 

 

 

Cheaters Cheat With People Less Attractive Than Their Partners

Cheaters cheat with people less attractive than their partners. There’s an assumption that people who have affairs cheat with someone better looking than their partners. That isn’t necessarily true. Although there are many reasons why people cheat physical appearance isn’t always one of them. I am working with a man whose wife is a very attractive woman. She is what you call a “trophy” wife. Comes from a family with resources and good reputation. They have been married for 15 years and have two children, ages 11 and 13. He states his wife is self-centered and shows no empathy for either himself or the children. She is difficult to talk to as she argues about anything that is brought up. Her power struggles with the children are making for a concerning situation. He loves her but may not be “in love” with her any longer. He started an affair with a co-worker. What started off as an “office wife” has bloomed into a full romance with feelings. This office wife provides him with attention, as well as compassion. He states she isn’t the beauty one would expect in stereotypical infidelity but offers him a peaceful place in which to thrive. He admits he bought into the notion that there’s something to be said about attractive women. Sex appeal is one of them.

 

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Cheaters Cheat With People Less Attractive Than Their Partners

There is a survey performed by a dating site specifically for married people looking to have an affair which indicates the users polled say they found their partner/significant other to be more attractive then their lovers.  Other statistics show:

30% men cheated with women younger than their current partner

25% men found their mistresses more interesting or more in shape than their partners

55% women also found their significant partners to be more attractive then their affair partners.

50%  of the women stated their lovers were in better shape, were better listeners and were more passionate

89.6% women indicated that they felt more appreciated by the person they were cheating with than their significant others.

So why even cheat? Again there are many reasons why people cheat. In this survey and a couple of other dating websites designed for married people looking to have an affair, people cheat because the other person makes for better listeners, are more compassionate and feel more appreciated by that other person.

If you’re married to a “trophy” wife who acts out like a grade schooler I can see you seeking more compassionate women. Same goes for women married to a boy-man.

Something to think about in your own relationship/marriage.

If you’d like to talk more about affairs and why people have them please give me a call at (858) 735-1139

 

Developing A Self-Care Plan To Better Your Relationship

Developing A Self-Care Plan to better your relationship.  Self-care can be extremely challenging for individuals.  Taking care of oneself is so critical to survival as a person and as people in a relationship.  Yet it is something that is often neglected in our day to day consciousness of things to do.  Think of the ramifications of not taking care of yourself as an individual and how it can affect your relationship. Promoting strategies for enhancing personal health and well-being will offer work/life balance, helping recognize when stress is reaching a dangerous level, provide coping skills to manage difficult situations, and allow for making healthy lifestyle choices.

There are many small steps that can be taken to begin an effective self-care plan. Starting with a few small actions, then adding more as time goes by to ensure that your needs and wants are being met.

Essential components may include:

– Balance between work and family or personal life

– A support network of friends and coworkers

– A relaxed and positive outlook

For stressors in your personal life:          

– Regular exercise

– Sleeping 7 – 8 hours per night

– Eating a healthy diet

– Playing with a pet

– Journal

– Talk to a Therapist

– Talk to a supportive friend

– Read

– Listen to music

– Get a massage

– Take long baths

Stressors in your work life:

– Clarify your job description

– Request a transfer if needed or ask for new     duties

– Time some time off

– Find humor in situations

– Take your lunch break

– Avoid negative people

– Be more assertive

– Manage your time better; make to-do lists

– Don’t control things you can’t control

– Express and share your thoughts and feelings

The breakup rate can be high in couples due in part to lack of self care.  Learning to apply basic strategies as mentioned above, can promote a healthier sense of balance among relationships.  Creating and practicing an effective plan can improve aspects of a couple’s relationship and can result in a more harmonious and satisfying union.

For more information about couples and developing and maintaining satisfying relationships please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or email me at [email protected]

 

 

Signs Your Husband May Be Having An Affair

Signs Your Husband May Be Having An Affair.  Are you observing strange behavior from your husband that keeps you up at night wondering if he’s cheating on you?  Your intuition tells you that something just isn’t right.  But on the surface things seems fine.  You’re relatively happy and content.  He tells you that he loves you.  Sex is fine.  He comes home every night and still calls you from work.  But you see him sending and receiving text and emails at strange hours of the night and weekends.  He works later than usual when at home and seems distracted at times.  He hides his cell phone when he didn’t in the past.  If you’re not sure whether you’re just being jealous or something really is going on, here are some signs your husband may be having an affair:

Photo Credit Thomas Northcut
  • Unexplained time away.
  • Cheated in the past.
  • Suddenly shaving, smelling of nice cologne and dressing better.
  • Hides his cell phone.
  • Secret communication with other people.
  • Flirt with girls.
  • He has a New Favorite or Special Item he wears when he goes to a particular place. Could be something given to him by his girlfriend.
  • Feedback others give about him.

  • Losing interest in your relationship.
  • Bored and preoccupied.
  •  Cheating in other areas of his life.
  • Are you wondering if he’s cheating?
  • Evidence of cheating.

 

Of course none of these signs are proof that your husband is cheating or having an affair. But the signs are anxiety provoking to say the least.  I recommend having an honest discussion with him about your observations and your feelings associated with them. Share your feeling of insecurity.  If he has nothing to hide he will be open to a dialogue about your concerns.  If the information becomes too difficult to discuss talking to a Marriage Counselor who specializes in Infidelity and Affairs could help neutralize the topic and help you both move forward where you can become more comfortable talking about what needs to be said.

I have worked with Couples married or not married who have experienced the devastation of Infidelity.  The relationship does not have to end because an affair occurred.  Knowing how to survive an affair takes time and commitment to the process of recovery to make the outcome successful.

 

Please call me at (858) 735-1139 if you would like more information regarding your partner possibly having an affair and how to manage your situation.