What Marriage Counseling Can Do For Your Marriage

What Marriage Counseling can do for your marriage. Many people think seeking counseling is a shame, weakness, or failure. Some say “we don’t need to air out our dirty laundry for others to know about.” Others may want to remain in denial about their relationship and not want to address the problems that are affecting their lives. And then their are those who are afraid to talk to someone about personal issues because they have never done so before and are unfamiliar with the process. Marriage Counseling is simply talking things out with an unbiased third person whose goal is to help improve your relationship. Talk therapy and making some simple changes to the way you think and talk to each other can significantly improve your marital situation. The process can help with experiencing common problems and difficulties such as feeling distant, difficulty in communicating or just not feeling the “in love” feeling anymore.  Marriage Counseling helps couples develop and maintain happy, healthy, and loving relationships.

what marriage counseling can do for your marriage
  • Communication Difficulties: You feel your partner doesn’t hear you or understand you. And it hurts.
  • Infidelity or Affairs: You just found out your partner has cheated on you and don’t know what to do now. Can you regain trust and stay married after the affair?
  • Arguing over the same things over and over again. You keep hoping your partner will finally agree with you but the arguing escalates or one of you shuts down and withdraws into silence.
  • Anxiety and Depression: When you aren’t sure where you stand in your relationship, it can cause quite a bit of anxiety, worry, stress, heartbreak and depression.
  • Intimacy or Sex issues: Your sex life has significantly changed. Could be due to children, aging, emotional distance, hormonal, affairs, or psychological.
  • Parenting issues: Everyone wants the best for their children but don’t always agree on the same way to implement parenting skills or always know “what is best.”
  • Extended Family issues: When you and your spouse become a family what are your expectations about extended family. What kinds of limits and boundaries do you put in place when it comes to in­laws and other family members?
  • Blended Family issues: Yours, mine and ours. What are the limits and boundaries put forth regarding your children and my children?

You can go from this….

Anxious Coupleto this…

Couple Hugging at the Beachas we work together in Marriage Counseling to help improve communication issues, increase trust, reduce arguing, and develop a Moving Forward Plan to so you can grow old together. The hope is to feel more positive toward your spouse and yourself, improve the way you communicate with each other so you both feel heard and respected, solve problems easier, and create a shared vision for your future. Through my 25 years of experience and in acquiring skills from the pioneers and leaders in the Marriage and Relationship field I am confident my services and therapeutic techniques are cutting edge in helping people work through their struggles to help them find the love they really want.

Couples typically wait six years before seeking help for marital problems. With the divorce rate over 50% it is apparent that seeking professional help as soon as marriage problems arise is important. Typically after the Honeymoon Stage entering into the Conflict Stage is where Marriage Counseling can benefit sooner rather than later as problems only continue to deteriorate without effective communication or learning to dialogue about what is troubling the relationship.

So the bottom line is if your relationship isn’t making you as happy as it once was, why wait to seek Marriage Counseling. Call me today at (858) 735-­1139 or email me at [email protected]

Rethinking Infidelity

Rethinking Infidelity.  Why do we continue to talk about affairs and who’s having one?  The subject is so interesting because those having one affects both partners in ways that are so life changing.  According to Ester Perel,  author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, people in good marriages have affairs.  She cites reasons for stepping outside the marital boundaries despite decades of faithful monogamy as not so much being anything wrong with the relationship or the Hurt Partner (the one being cheated on) or anything pathological existing, as much as it has to do with the Affair Partner (the one doing the cheating) needing something for himself/herself.

Conceptual photo of a marital infidelity

Rethinking Infidelity

People have affairs for many reasons here are some reasons people in happy marriages have affairs:

1.  The Desire for Attention to Feel Important

2.  A yearning and longing for an Emotional Connection

3.  Freedom

4.  Sexual intensity

5.  Novelty

6.  Autonomy

7.  A wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves

8.  An attempt to bring back Vitality in the face of loss and tragedy

The Power of the Forbidden charges the affair and this Desire creates the Wanting.  The fact that we can’t have makes us want to have it so much more.  That feeling is a strong motivator to want to feel more of the same.  Desire is powerful and we are willing to risk everything to “feel it.”  Affairs are not so much about Sex as it is about Desire.

As a Marriage Counselor specializing in Affair Recovery I see people who have turned a crisis into an opportunity.   Most people I see in Marriage Counseling are not philanderers and do believe in monogamy.  I help them look at what the old relationship needed to help move forward in developing a new one that satisfies the needs of both.

In Affair Recovery Four things are needed:

1.  The Affair Partner needs to acknowledge and show insight about his/her wrongdoing.

2.  Expressing guilt about the wrongdoing and remorse for the Hurt Partner is essential

3.  It’s imperative the Affair Partner be the person who holds the memory of the affair and brings it up when situations arise that bring back the trauma for the Hurt Partner.  In doing so relieves the Hurt Partner of the unwanted memories assisting the process of redeveloping trust for the Affair Partner.

4.  Having empathy and showing that Empathy to the Hurt Partner begins the process of redeveloping trust.

If you or someone you know is involved in an Infidelity and still has strong feelings for their spouse and needs help with the confusion please contact me (858) 735-1139.  The process of affair recovery can help bring about a newfound perspective.

Infidelity Doesn’t Just Happen To The Rich And Famous

Infidelity Doesn’t Just Happen To The Rich And Famous.  You don’t have to be a movie star, politician, or multimillionaire to be a cheater.  You don’t have to be hot looking or even have sex appeal to be part of the infidelity statistics.  As a Marriage Counselor working with couples for over 25 years this population includes your next door neighbor, your pediatrician, child’s teacher, best friend, and sorry for you to hear this, but clergy, too.

Infidelity Doesn’t Just Happen To The Rich And Famous
  • People in so called happy marriages cheat.  A Rutgers Study reports 56% of men and 34 % of women have cheated even though they were happily married.
  • Affairs are not the leading cause of divorce.  Not being able to Communicate is the #1 reported reason.
  • Women stray for emotional reasons due to loneliness; men stray for sex.

Anyone can be a cheater – according to a Study by The National Marriage Project there is no one demographic.  The study also indicates high school drop outs and couples in which one partner is mostly dependent on the other for income are more apt to stray.  That a another reason why I encourage women to have their own job earning their own money. I believe people cheat because sometimes it’s just easier to be different with a different person. Actors tend to move from one relationship to another as their roles keep them engaged with their leading man/woman. They feel alive and excited as with anything that is a novelty. As with novelty it becomes normalized through the process of time.

The grass is not always greener on the side.  Sometimes it makes sense to work out your problems in an existing relationship rather than move on to a new relationship you know little about. In this Country fifty percent of first marriages end in divorce. 67% percent for second marriages and 73% for third marriages.

If you suspect your partner is cheating – discuss it: you have the right to bring it up your suspicions and fears.  Trust and communication is the foundation of a good relationship.

No one is immune from infidelity.  If you or someone you know is part of the above stats please contact me at (858) 735 1139 as there are remedies to recover from what may seem like an irreversible situation

Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships

Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, radio talk show host and author writes about the problems women and men face in finding peace in love and the ways in which they hurt themselves and one another in their romantic relationships. Again the word stupid describes the “behavior” not the person so as not to offend anyone in particular.

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Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships
  1. Stupid Secrets – Withholding important information for the fear of rejection. This is what I call being Conflict Avoidant.  Conflict avoidance creates conflict.
  2. Stupid Egotism – Asking not what you can do for the relationship but only what the relationship can do for you.  This is selfishness and immaturity.
  3. Stupid Pettiness – Making a big deal out of the small stuff.
  4. Stupid Power – The need to always be in control.  Eliminate power struggles by holding discussions then coming to a consensus.
  5. Stupid Priorities – Consuming all your time and energies with work, hobbies, errands, and chores instead of focusing on your relationship.  Another means of conflict avoidance.
  6. Stupid Happiness – Seeking stimulation and assurance from all the wrong places to satisfy the immature need to feel good. Relying too much on other rather than concentrate on self.
  7. Stupid Excuses – Not being accountable for bad behavior.
  8. Stupid Liaisons – Not letting go of negative attachments to friends and relatives who are damaging to your relationship.  Exercising inappropriate behavior is most always self-destructing.
  9. Stupid Mismatch – Not knowing when to leave and cut your losses.
  10. Stupid Breakups – Disconnecting for all the wrong reasons.

Acknowledging your stupid mistakes can be difficult, but with the help of an effective Marriage Counselor you can learn how to correct them and how to find satisfaction and joy in your most important relationship.  For additional information please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives

Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, radio talk host, wrote this New York Times Bestseller back in 1998 and still applies. There’s more to feeling in love for a healthy relationship. Don’t get bogged with the feeling. The word ‘stupid’ defines the behavior, not the person just so no one is offended.  Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives:

Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives

1.   Stupid Chivalry – By getting involved with the wrong woman (weak, flaky, damaged, needy, desperate, stupid, untrustworthy, and immature) you think your love will save/transform her.

2.   Stupid Independence – Unwilling to admit “need” for bonding and intimacy, you hide in execesses of work, play, drink, drugs, porn, and meaningless sex.

3.   Stupid Ambition – Unable to comfortably and proudly accept your inherent importance to society and family as husband and father, you bow to the false idols of money, toys, power and status.

4.   Stupid Strength – Uncomfortable with feeling, vulnerable, useless, powerless, or rejected, you use intimidation, force, or passive-aggressiveness to regain control.

5.   Stupid Sex – Taking an attraction, opportunity, or erection as a “sign” you measure your masculinity and power by sexual conquests, infidelities, and orgasms.

 

6.   Stupid Matrimony – Lacking a mature sense of the purpose, meaning or value of marriage, you realize too late you’ve gone down the aisle with the wrong woman for the wrong reasons and feel helpless to “fix it.”

7.   Stupid Husbanding – Thinking that marriage is the honorable discharge from loving courtship, you continue life as though you were single and your “mommy-wife” will take care of everything else.

8.   Stupid Parenting – Believing that only women/mothers nurture children, you withdraw from hands-on parenting to assert your masculine importance, missing out on the true “soul food” of a child’s hug.

9.   Stupid Boyishness – Having not yet worked out a comfortable emotional and social understanding with your mother, you form relationships with women that become geared to average, resolve, or protect you from your ties to Mommy.

10. Understanding the true and meaningful difference between being male and a man, you can become a man.

In my work with men the goal is to acquire knowledge and know how when meeting and interacting with women to prevent an epic fail.  When you have the know how to select the appropriate woman for your life partner you can rest assure you won’t be exercising any of the above behaviors.

Call me at (858) 735-1139 so you can learn what is needed to get started.